is it better for DS to have a relationship with his father?

[DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved]

i have moved heaven and earth to keep up the relationship between DS - 2 yrs, and his father (my abusive husband - separated informally). alot of things i cant tell you about on here, but really have done everything possible to keep him in his sons life.

but he is upsetting ds and he doesnt look after him properly when he does have him.... when does the benefit of knowing your father get outweighed by the upset he causes?

but he hardly ever turns up and when he does its in the evening when DS is tired and crotchety, and ends up making ds cry. He never listens to him, plays rough games and continues even when ds is crying out and pushing him off him, and i end up having to be with them to tend to the 'boring' things like feeding ds, giving him drinks, telling him when ds is cold etc. i am disabled and it causes great physical strain/ pain to have to do this btw.

When i am not there poor ds is neglected and to make it even worse, DS adores him and he gets really upset when he hasnt seen him, he thinks he hears him at the door, or on the phone and gets really excited and then totally breaks down when there is no one there :-(

last week it broke my heart to hear him say as his father was on the way out of the door (40 mins after not seeing him for a month)... 'dadda, leo go dada...' pulling at his daddies leg crying, wanting to come too... and the bastard didnt even notice

MY HEART CRIES OUT AT PUTTING HIM IN THIS SITUATION - he's 2 ffs, he should be protected and cared for and loved... i am teaching him its ok to have people close to you that dont care about you and treat him badly when he's completely dependent on that person... i can't bear it any longer.

am i being a good mother by trying to foster a relationship between them, or would i be a good mother to protect my darling innocent toddler from an upsetting situation?

btw, there isnt any court/ legal stuff either way, and i dont want to go down that road yet, as has ramifications i dont want currently (on behalf of ds father would you believe, the ungrateful little rat)...

Gosh I dont have any answers I'm afraid but I am tearing up at the thought of your DS clinging to his DF's leg in that way.

I know, for me, for a long time after her father left, my DD was distraught every time he saw them- at each separation IYKWIM.
All I could do was sit with her and tell that she was sad that Daddy had left, that she felt lonely, that this was OK and that it would get better. It did.

I am coming to see now that me chasing him to maintain a relationship with his children is, in fact, me colluding in a lie to them.

I dont think I could continue to allow ex to see my small child to the point that it was upsetting his routine....as you dont have a formal access in place, can you change it to suit you (i.e. what DS actually needs) Could you tell ex that Sat morning from 10 til 12 at the playground suits better for example?

He sounds like he isn't doing a single thing that a parent should do, he's not even meeting his basic needs. It takes much much much more than ejaculating for a man to be a father. One day, not too far away your son will realise for himself that his sperm donor isn't good enough. Why are you making 100% of the effort? I know it's because you're doing what you think is best for your baby but the man is 50% responsible, too. I wouldn't bother at all and leave it in the hands of a contact centre or whatever. They can put up with his mind changing and also make sure your son's basic needs are attended to. It may also provide 3rd party documentation for when your son is older, to show him about his 'father's' treatment of him.

FWIW I, and many other people had BRILLIANT childhoods with just one parent raising us.

I don't really go along with the current trend for fetishising fathers no matter how shit they are.

It's not your responsibility to keep this wanker in your son's life, it's his.

If he can't be arsed, that's on him.

No way would I let my son see anyone who treated him like this. Wouldn't give a shit what the relationship between them was.

My father is an arse, had little contact with him. Thank God! The memories i do have of him are more painful than the fact i didnt see him very often. Seeing him more would have meant more hurt.

Please don't feel bad about putting your sons interests first.

If this was any other person other than his father that Ds was attached to, would you let them treat him like that?

Children unconditionally love their parents. It does not mean that their parents deserve their love just because it is given freely.

Why are you trying to protect your ex? This man was abusive to you? Why protect him? Can you get some support irl to try and pick out why you still feel responsible for him?

Best of luck.

Thank God I am not going mad - had two instincts clashing & leaving me in pieces. unanimous posts.

You've given me the resolve - follow mother bear instinct to protect my cub from ANY threat. So no, no more of my baby crying with the hurt of dada not being there for him (in any sense). Not quite sure what that entails yet in practical terms, but I will in time.

Thank you for helping me, now I can protect my baby without feeling like I shouldn't.

For what is worth, I fully agree with the others.

Do not feel sorry for your ex.

Have you considered that his behaviour with your DS at your home is to punish you?

You don't have to le him in your house at all, and you can let him push for contact and you ask for supervised contact.

Get on record as much as you can and contact him only by text or email.
With my ex, I make a point of sending some sort of message when he doesn't attend contact, so it gets written record.

the only right thing to do with someone abusive is go down the court route so it is other people telling your ex how it is. protecting your ex does neither you nor your ds any favours.
stop contact with you present.
find a third party or use a contact centre. at times appropriate to your ds eg day time.

www.naccc.org.uk

or at least take ds to park meet ex there and leave them to it.
if you cant trust ex to care for your ds then record that and let him prove himself via contact centre and ahve others record it.

letting an abusive ex into your home to see ds is wrong on many levels.

you caring for your ds while ex is there and taking no responsibility is wrong.

and in fact by pushing him taking responsibility under supervision you may find surprise surprise he can do it all - he just likes you putting yourself out when you there . right now you are not doing ds or yourself any favours.