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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP won't help me!

18 replies

theincredibequeenofwands · 24/06/2012 14:54

DP was made redundant three months ago and only got a piddly redundancy payment.

He is looking for jobs but is unsuccessful and seems to think that everything is beneath him. I think this is coming across in his interviews.

I've been lucky enough to pick up loads of overtime but am utterly exhausted as a result. Yet he won't help me around the house. No cleaning, no laundry, etc. I do ask. Once I asked him to do some washing and he simply loaded the machine and turned it on, he didn't hang it up or anything. That was left to me.

He'll do the odd bit of washing up and if I ever ask him to do anything for me I feel like I have to ask really nicely so as not to offend him.

I'm soooooo tired. Am working nights which is hard anyway. Then coming home, sleeping for a bit, sorting out washing, cleaning, lunchboxes, etc and then going back to work.

A colleague has suggested that I just tell him that there's no more overtime available (which I did but he just kept going on saying; 'Yes, there will. People will be ill or go on holiday.') forcing him to job hunt more seriously.

I don't know what to do. I feel dumped on. Really dumped on. And tired and unnappreciated.

:(

Cheers for listening.

:)

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/06/2012 15:01

I would tell him to leave until he steps up

Selfish wanker

Take the overtime....and give him time (on your "relationship")

susiegrapevine · 24/06/2012 15:01

Hey it might drive you mad for a bit but how about showing him for a bit what happens if he doesn't help around the house and don't be afriad to tell him to help. Obviously without affecting the kids too much but don't do any of his washing only yours and the kids, then leave all the washing up from dinner etc or from whenever you leave the house so he has to wash up to make himself something. He will soon learn how much you do around the house when it starts effecting him!

Frikadellen · 24/06/2012 15:04

put up a chart with the chores and fairly divide them over all of you. If your working and he is not he does the larger part of the share.

CailinDana · 24/06/2012 15:11

What does he actually do all day while you're out working your ass off?

Dprince · 24/06/2012 15:14

even if he gets a job he is still a tool. What are his redeeming features.

theincredibequeenofwands · 24/06/2012 15:16

Redeeming features?

I'm not sure.

:(

He just came into the kitchen whilst I was dishing up and demanded, 'Don't I get any food.'

I'm surviving on so little sleep. I've been really ill (recently had surgery, then tonsilitus and a urine infection - which I worked through) and I'm just exhausted.

Am so miserable.

OP posts:
theincredibequeenofwands · 24/06/2012 15:17

And he was getting some food. I just hadn't quite got round to it.

:(

OP posts:
GeekLove · 24/06/2012 15:18

Go into housemate mode. Only do housework for yourself and DCs. Get a plastic crate to put his dirty plates in. And ignore him when he wonders where the cleaning fairy has gone.

CailinDana · 24/06/2012 15:20

What was your response to his extremely rude question?

AnyFucker · 24/06/2012 15:24

This is how you live ?

Why ?

Collision · 24/06/2012 15:26

You have to tell him!

Do a list and tell him this is what you would do if you were there all day and he needs to step up!

I think if people do not have a reason to get up and go to work then even the smallest things can seem huge. 'The less you do, the less you want to do.'

Monday - Change all the bedding, wash it, hang it out to dry, clean sheets on bed.

Tuesday - Hoover throughout house. Clean bathroom.

Wednesday - Sweep and mop kitchen and tidy and clean work tops.

Thursday - Ironing

Friday - Shopping

He needs to see what it is like to experience how much of a chore it can be.

GeekLove · 24/06/2012 15:28

I really hope your answer to that question was 'no'.
Are you sure this is a relationshiP or a bad habit?

oiwheresthecoffee · 24/06/2012 15:33

Good grief. If someone came up to me and demanded food like that hed be fucking wearing it ! Why are you putting up with that ?
Tell him to pull himself together , stop being an arsehole and look for a job.

oiwheresthecoffee · 24/06/2012 15:33

And if he doesnt - tell him to leave.

3littlefrogs · 24/06/2012 15:35

You are so tired you are not thinking straight.

You are not married, so it should be relatively easy to extricate yourself from what is clearly an unequal relationship.

He is behaving in a selfish, self centred, freeloading way.

You are feeling dumped on, tired and unappreciated. This is because you are actually tired, unappreciated and being dumped on.

You would not stay friends with someone who treated you like this, so why are you with him?

You deserve better.

chocolatepuff · 24/06/2012 15:35

Sorry op he sounds like a entitled misogynist arse. I wouldn't bother just stopping doing things for him, I advise having a big talk with him. Tell him you can't do everything and that he needs to step up. If he doesn't listen he has no respect for u.

Remember u don't have to be treated this way.

foolonthehill · 24/06/2012 16:16

^You are feeling dumped on, tired and unappreciated. This is because you are actually tired, unappreciated and being dumped on.^

I'll second that.

has he always been like this?
How long have you been together?
DC's??
Redeeming features??

Do you have the energy to think about this? Can you take a day off to regain some sleep? and thinking space (suggest going to Travelodge as you clearly aren't going to be supported at home)

Dee03 · 24/06/2012 16:20

I read so many of these kind of threads on here and it just makes me glad i'm a single parent. I do 100% of everything all of the time but thats because there is only me...

Why do so many women put up with this crap??

Be strong, take charge, tell him to ship up or ship out!!!

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