Just so bloody sick of DH taking me for granted.

[Jennyrosity]

He has always been a selfish man - in his wedding speech he said one of the reasons he loves me is that I didn't let him get away with it, that I made him think of others and consequently made him a better man. But god knows I am so tired of doing this - eight years together and he still never puts anyone but himself first, and we have a child now.

It nearly broke us a couple of years ago. I was on the verge of leaving him - bag packed, on the way out the door - but he broke and begged me to stay, promised me he'd change, that he'd do anything. We went to counselling and for a while things did get better, but since DD came along (planned and very much wanted) he's been on a backward slide.

Every day, I get up with her first thing, change her, feed her, and he gets to spend some time with her (being happy and lovely as she usually is in the morning) before he goes to work. The rest of my day is spent trying to get things done whilst looking after her - she is a very clingy, lively 5 month old who doesn't sleep much during the day, requires a lot of stimulation and hates to be put down. He comes home and will - eventually, once he's got himself settled to his liking, checked his email, surfed the net for a while (because he needs to "unwind" after a stressful day) - take her and play with her for a bit. Never for long, and as soon as she starts getting fractious, she's handed back to me. So I take upstairs and begin trying to get her settled for the night - this normally takes a couple of hours - whilst he sits in front of the tv drinking wine and relaxing. Finally get her down, usually some time between 8 and 9pm, come downstairs - and proceed to make dinner, because it hasn't occurred to him to do so. Once we've eaten he washes up - usually commenting on the amount of washing up I've created for him - and I go to bed, because in a couple of hours DD will be awake again. Spend the night up and down feeding DD (she's breastfed), going into her room to do it so we don't disturb him - after all, he's got to work tomorrow (I'm on maternity leave). Lather, rinse, repeat the next day....

I don't even mind too much most of the time - he does work hard, and his work provides us with a very nice lifestyle, and whilst I'm not at work I don't mind taking on the majority of the childcare duties. But on Friday he finished his job, ready to start with a new company in July, and despite the fact he has 3 weeks off inbetween, I still seem to be expected to do everything. I've had some sort of cold virus for the past couple of days and woke up this morning feeling like death - feverish, sore throat, headache, aching all over. He left me in bed with DD for a couple of hours - because dealing with a teething baby is so restful - then went out to meet a friend for lunch, taking DD with him so that I have a chance to pack for our holiday tomorrow - but I'm not to pack too much, mind, because he doesn't want to carry a heavy bag.

Not once did he ask if I needed anything, or if he could get me anything before he left. Having had no breakfast, I have taken a break from washing and packing to forage for food and there's not a damn thing in the house, not even bread. I've been away for a few days with DD, you see (went to my mother's for a couple of days because she wanted "to look after me" - some hope, the first day she decided she was feeling too ill to cook a meal, so I did it, and the next day because I'd bought her lunch she wasn't hungry enough for dinner, so I should sort myself out - thanks so much for the looking after there mum), and keeping the fridge filled is apparently something only I can do.

So I'm alone, hungry, unwell, and packing for a trip I'd really rather not go on, because I'll be struggling to look after DD on my own whilst "D"H "unwinds". If I raise all this with him it'll go one of two ways - a big bloody row where he reminds me of all the things he does for me, followed by giving me the silent treatment till I apologise for upsetting him; or he'll decide I'm right, and start off on this enormous guilt trip with much wailing and gnashing off teeth about what a terrible person he is, until I feel so guilty for making him feel bad that I start reassuring him that he isn't, and we start the whole cycle again.

I can't bear it, I just want him to put me and DD first occasionally without needing to be told to. Sometimes I wonder if I should leave him, just take DD and go - at least then I'd only have the one child to look after. But seeing this all written down, it all seems a bit petty, and I wonder if I'm overreacting.

The choices are leave or stay. Leaving would mean that you'd still be responsible for all the work etc., but you'd be happier because there would none of the disappointment that comes with expecting someone else to pick up the slack.

I don't really see what you'd get out of staying. He was selfish when you married him and he's still selfish. Chances are he'll be selfish until the day he dies. Maybe if you left, he'd finally start taking you seriously.

Agree with Cogito, but if you do stick it out you need to toughen up with him and, as he said himself on your wedding day, stop letting him get away with it!

"he'll decide I'm right, and start off on this enormous guilt trip with much wailing and gnashing off teeth about what a terrible person he is, until I feel so guilty for making him feel bad that I start reassuring him that he isn't, and we start the whole cycle again. "

IF he admits you are right, say "yes I am, you are not pulling your weight as a dad or as a husband. I'm going for a nice relaxing bath, please look after DD while you're making the dinner, there's xx in the fridge, I'll be 45 minutes."

But sadly my gut reaction is, he won't change sorry x

Wrote long post but lost it.

Cut and run OP. That way you'll only have one child to take care of.

You're not being petty nor overreacting, it's quite evidently, eating away at you.

It's up to you how you want it to go.... If you speak to him again and he does the guilt trip thing, then don't apologise for what you've said, tell him the truth, exactly how you feel- looking after 2 children and how it makes you feel like it would be easier alone...see if it kicks his ass, from what you wrote it doesn't sound like he will change but if he see's you mean it, who knows?
You've got nothing to lose really if you're already thinking about ending it.
Good luck xx

People will treat you the way you teach them to.
You know that. You've "sorted" him out before, when you were first together, so do it again.
For instance, when you go upstairs in the evening to sort dd ready for bed, it "doesn't occur to him" to make dinner? So, REMIND HIM! Or give him the choice, "which would you prefer to do, cook dinner or put dd to bed? I won't can't do both."

Leopards/spots

What an arrogant man. He threw that gauntlet down on your wedding day, didn't he ? You are the only one who can make him not be selfish ?

oohh, big red flag right there !

You have been working hard on that "challenge" ever since, when will you stop ? And what will happen when you stop ?

to be honest, if i had someone who ran around behind me tending to my needs, i would put my feet up and enjoy it

what reason has he got to do it when he knows you are there to do it

do you say while i am putting baby to bed, sort out dinner will you. I dont suppose he relishes every evening sat downstairs on his own while you are upstairs

and as for a five month old not wanting to be put down, stick them in a bouncer chair so they can see you and get on with it. if they cry, hard luck it wont kill them

jellyjones rather harsh?

OP am also concerned that your mum also seems to be taking you for granted. I think they have both treated you dreadfully, but how often do you actually ask for what you want / need help with?

It is no excuse for their behaviour at all, but most people seem to be clueless or have forgotten how hard and relentless it is to look after a baby.

I know I should put my foot down more often, it's just that I get sick of always having to ask. If I ask him to do something he will - but after giving a heavy, long-suffering sigh, and making clear he feels he's doing me a favour.

I would just like for it to be obvious to him that, if it's 9pm and we haven't eaten because DD won't settle, he should get dinner started. Or that before he leaves his sick, breastfeeding wife alone, he should check to see there's at least bread for toast and milk for tea, so she doesn't miss another meal. I want him to care enough to do those things without needing to be told.

But I guess you're all right, asking that is asking him to be a completely different person to the one I married, and it's not like I can complain I wasn't warned.

So you need to tell him you're sick of asking and you are seriously reconsidering the marriage unless things change. Then come up with specifics. Say, you take turns each night and person not doing bedtime cooks dinner. I work full time and personally I found mat leave with a young baby harder work. I suspect he is hamming up how stressful his day at work has been. If he really thinks he's doing you a big favour by - gasp ! - washing up, he's dead wrong. Give him a couple of months to get with the new system. If no consistent improvement, time to throw in the towel.

Nobody here is saying "you made your bed..."

But you do need to decide whether this what you want longterm. Little more than a glorified housekeeper and childminder.

Is that what you signed up for when you got married ?

I do feel for you but the others are right you do have a choice to go or stay and not an easy one to make either way, take time on holiday to take stock of your situation, write down the pros and cons of staying or going, think of the support network you will need, ie, do you ahve any family near you or good friends when you return to work to help with the wee one?, and how much access do you think he would expect to see her, and last do you know how finacially you would manage and would he pay child maintenance ?,there is so much to consider do not rush into anything YOUR not sure about , thinking of you , it will work out one way or the other you know.Big hug to you.

Jeessh, I don't think it's a go or stay scenario. I think it's the reality of looking after a new baby. Constant thankless work and no sleep.

I would get in a cleaner or nanny or just someone to help so you can get out during the day. Even a baby sitter for an hour or two.

Go to the gym, meet a friend for work, have fun (if you can remember what that is like). He SHOULD be doing more but as you are breast feeding there's not alot he can do.

You can definitely ask him to cook dinner, or live on takeaways as it sounds like your cooking standards are still what they were before baby but babies take up sooo much time you should be making it easier for the first few months/years.

Go to mums and baby groups so you can share with others in the same boat.
Feed baby in the bedroom so that he realises how tired you are.

Anyway the quickest solution is the cleaner,nanny babysitter one so you can get out.

Somewhere in there I am sposed to say things like how happy you must be with your beautiful new baby, things will improve rahrahrah but I can remember being on my own, no near rellies, with my first new baby and all I wanted was my life back [hmmm].

Also - arrange things for you to do at the weekend.

Hairdresser/gym/walkin the park etc then get out for a couple of hours on your own, he might be the best baby carer in the world but you won't know if he never gets the chance.

It's easier to change your behaviour than to whinge and moan at him to try to change his.

I think more men should read these threads - there are so many threads like this, aren't there? Why are men so selfish?

One of the reasons he's acting like he's doing you a favour is because you're "asking" him to "help" you. Running your home is not "helping," it's doing his share.

Well. I told him how I felt and how I am considering leaving if things don't change. He was horrified, said if he lost us it would "destroy him". I said I didn't want to go but couldn't carry on like this.

I'm now in the bath with a glass of wine while he attempts to get DD ready for bed. She's such a mummy's girl though that she's screaming the place down in protest at such treatment - unsurprising as she's used to me doing everything for her. I am trying to hold out and let him deal with it but it's hard as she sounds so distressed.

We will see how long this lasts - past experience suggests he will bend over backwards for a few days, maybe weeks, but will gradually slip back into old habits.

I know I need to stand up for myself and demand to part of an equal partnership. I kind of despise myself for not doing so. No-one who knows me irl would believe this is how our married life is - I come across as having quite a dominant personality, whereas DH is quite quiet and introverted, so if anything people make jokes about my "wearing the trousers" and him being henpecked (horrible expressions both). I don't know how we ended up like this, this is not the relationship I want.

As soon as he starts to slip, reel him back in. It's the only way. Consistency is the answer. Just keep on and on and on and it'll eventually sink in.

I think you need to put in place firm boundaries - tell him what you expect. If the baby doesn't settle and it's dinner time ask him to sort it, start to ask for more..make a list of the household chores and agree with him what he will do.

How did the household run when he was growing up? What's his model?

His parents split up when he was about 7. He lived with his mum, who adores him and still runs around waiting on him - he can do no wrong in her eyes. Shortly after DD was born, I tried to talk to her about how he didn't seem to be coping at all, and could she please talk to him because I didn't know how to support him (my mum has always been a single parent, so I have no real idea about what a father is "supposed" to do).

She told me to start DD on solids, because she was obviously hungry and that was why she cried "all the time" (she didn't) and it wasn't fair to DH to have to cope with that.

DD was 8 weeks old at the time. Needless to say I didn't start her on solids.

His dad is a nice guy (who adores DD) but has always been fairly hands-off as a parent.

So yes, we do both seem to be repeating the behaviour we learnt from our parents. I'm just not sure what to do about that.

DH's mum waited on him hand and foot, and it is tough - even though he accepts I am not his skivvy, his "default position" is sat with with laptop, while things like dinner magically appear around him

One thing I got from here which is very helpful is the "do you want to do x or y?" question - so, "one of us needs to clean up the breakfast things, the other get DD's teeth done and get her dressed, which do you fancy?" I agree with you that it shouldn't be our job to be the one always planning things, but things are as they are and I decided some time ago it's the lesser of two evils.

You'll find the next time to lay down new groundrules will be when you go back to work. Work out how you want to distribute housework at that point, and then stick to it ruthlessly.

Do make the list of chores and divide them up more fairly. I can understand that with breastfeeding some stuff can only be done by you, but clearly there can be a much better balance. When I did NCT classes they had quite a useful sheet where they listed common household tasks and got each partner to tick 'always', 'sometimes' 'never' or something like that for how they would get done. I ticked 'never' for hoovering But seriously.

As long as he is willing to genuinely give it a go, then you can consider cutting him some slack on the way he does things - e.g. his cooking may not be as good as yours, more oven chips than meals cooked from scratch etc. But he has no reason not to do his share. I think it is possible to be appreciative of things people do in the household without it being treated as a massive favour that they've lifted a finger at all. That's the shift you need to make.

Also, be prepared to remind him that you have been learning too - i.e. if DD doesn't go down easily tonight, that's no reason for him to think/say that 'he just can't do it, she doesn't settle for me'. Try to keep the balance between giiving him tips, if you know what works, and telling him exactly what to do/doing it for him.

I don't mean all this to sound as though it's your job to manage this exactly right - so sorry if it's coming across that way. The fact is that you're the person reading and looking for advice on how to manage the situation. My advice would be to be encouraging of his efforts without being 'grateful', and to watch carefully to see how committed he is to changing long-term.

Hello. Just got back from an afternoon in the pub with my friends - all organised weeks ago by my DH, long before I had a go at him for being selfish, because he realised how much I missed them and missed my pre-DD life. He even took DD away for the afternoon so I could relax and enjoy myself, and put money behind the bar so all my friends could be there, including the skint ones.

Was a huge surprise - he had told me we were going for a pub lunch, then we walked into our local and a pub full of people stood up and cheered. I think this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.

That's a lovely surprise, must have done you the world of good!
I hope he backs up the grand gesture with day-to-day action!

wow jenny! that's great