How can DP bond with DD?

[GodisaDj]

DP had full responsibility for dd for the first time on his own last night. She's nearly 11 months old.

Background is that DP works long hours, I'm breastfeeding and not back at work (yet) and I've not been interested in going out or having 'nights off', so there has never been a need to 'share' nighttime get ups. DP tries to get in for her bedtime; she gets excited when he walks in, and he'll do her bath/story etc, so I've always felt she knows her daddy. The night out was a meal and few drinks after and has been planned in for ages.

The night didn't go well :(

DD went down on her own with him at normal time (6.45ish) and woke up screaming because of her teeth at 8.30 (rarely wakes before 111pm once put to bed, normally has a feed then goes straight back to sleep)

DP did all the normal calming things, calpol/cuddles/milk in a beaker (not that she took it) distraction....nothing worked and she cried until he text me at 11pm saying he didn't know what else to do and I had to come home.

I'd drank about 4 bottles of beer, knowing I'd got a night off but ended up bf'ing when I got in, not ideal. She was still quite active so we both lay with her whilst I read her favourite story and she dropped off just after midnight.

We got through the night with him getting her out of the cot to be fed by me at 3.30am and then up at 6am. (I'd normally part co-sleep in her room but didn't want to because of the drinks I'd had)

This morning we've had a chat and he's said he's concerned about how attached and reliant she is on me. I've explained, as sensitively as I can, that because of his long working hours, he hasn't had the opportunity to be on his own with her and for her to trust him and build up a relationship. He knows this but doesn't know the solution (I don't either but I have felt recently he is missing out on bonding with her like I do). I sling wear, play with her, take her out and about. He tends to play on the floor with her for 30 minutes and then gets a bit bored (think that's a man thing - am I wrong?)

At one point he blamed breastfeeding and shes too reliant on it but I said she's calm and content with MIL when I've left her there during the day for me to attend hospital/physio appointments. And on an evening before when he was away with work, i had a meeting and MIL baby sat and she woke up and just sat on her lap until I returned (not upset or anything). So she trusts MIL because she spends alone time with her.

I further explained that when I came in last night, she didn't go straight to the boob, she just wanted her mum (she is teething like mad so think last night was a big part of the fuck up!) and that's normal because we have built that bond over the last 11 months.

What can I do? He now feels a shit dad because of it all. I feel like shit partner for telling him how I feel and a shit mum for even thinking of having a "night off" then feeding after I'd drank alcohol.

She's my life and I love her to bits but this parenting lark is hard when it comes to choices and making the right decisions.

Any thoughts or words of wisdom?
(sorry for the long post)

He needs to step up and you need to let him. It'll take time but your DD will get used to him. Would you be able to go out one night a week and let your DP put her to bed? And then perhaps get up with her one morning a weekend while you sleep and perhaps take her out for a few hours?

BTW there is no way he should have called you back home. He is her dad and he should look after her. Babies cry, that's normal, and if he keeps handing her back to you every time she's upset they will never bond.

Time. She'll get used to him in time. The more he steps up, the easier it will get.

Is it possible that he can spend more time with her during the daytime, rather than at night when she wakes up confused that her mummy isn't there?

11 months and later is when they get separation anxiety, so it can actually be worse leaving an 11 month old than a 4 month old, they know who their mum is and they want them!

You need to get your husband included in the 'inner circle' of people your daughter bonds with and will be happy with, although children often do want just one person and it is upsetting for everyone else.

At 11 months, she doesn't have to feed in the day (if I remember rightly, I could be wrong), so I would start sending them on days out together, or going out yourself on the weekends and leaving them to it (only one day, not all weekend!). I wouldn't suggest this if he was hands on all weekend or she saw him a lot in the week but it sounds like they simply don't have enough time together, just the two of them. My husband wasn't great with my d1 for the first year, he was around but used to leave the active caring to me, until I had lots of work to do when she was about a year old, I used to pack her a little packback and shove them out of the door at 9am and they wouldn't come home til 6, to give me time to work. It was amazing in terms of him starting to have faith in his ability to parent on his own (without my backup) and so when my second was born, he was then able to care for both of them for days on end when I went away, and cut his hours down to be the primary carer for her for a couple of years. It's too easy to leave it all to the mum and this has knockon consequences for the years to come.

I would go for days initially as well as nights so they can actually have fun together. I disagree with CalinaDana that he was wrong to call, a 1 year old is not the same as a small baby, and a 1 year old with bad separation anxiety screaming for hours isn't a good situation for anyone. It's just not true all children will settle for all people, especially if they are used to seeing mummy (and breast) at night. Of course he could tough it out, but the end result is everyone is more upset, I would prepare for them to spend a lot of time together over the next few weeks.

I think you need to make a decision to stop 'rescuing' them. See it as an act of love to give them the opportunity to find their own way through this together, as you did with your dd.

In the last 11 months, he must have had some annual leave from work (unless self employed), did he not do some daddy things with her then?
I sympathize, it does sound like it's become difficult . Next time he's off, let him take her out alone, for a walk in the pram, shopping, or to the park. Quality time like this will lead to them having a good relationship independently of you.

And, he mustn't be concerned how attached she is to you. Give him something to read on separation anxiety, it is NORMAL for 11 months old children to prefer one person over another and feel very anxious indeed when they are not there. Ideally that's why there's more than one attachment figure, but sometimes that doesn't happen, and the child just rejects everyone else for a few months. This is a normal developmental stage, and children differ. My dd1 would not go to her grandparents when they visited from abroad for the entire week, I was mortified, but she didn't want to hug 'strangers' as they were from her perspective. Obviously she has grown up fine and went off to school age 3 (pre-school) without a backward glance, so it was just a stage.

And if you want to keep up the feeding, why not express and store in the day, then use it for early evening feed or whenever you usually feed?

Thank you for your replies.

Having read them all, I think he does need to 'step up' doing things with her on his own but I really appreciate how many hours he works (education sector) outside of normal 9-5; its that time of year when reports are due and he holds a management role alongside teaching so does lots at home. He travels up to 2 hours a day to get to/from work (changes in sept as he has a new role) - I sound like I'm making excuses, I am perhaps, but I see how tired he is and wouldn't want him to think I'm putting on him to care for dd when I'm there to do that. But a walk to the park is only 5 min away...

She loves seeing him and playing with him (always hear giggles whilst I'm doing dinner) and she does settle on him to go to sleep at night (only recently) but I'm always 'around' - perhaps I need to step back. I even brought a 'man changing bag' off eBay for him about 2 months ago and he still hasn't used it!

I even go training twice a week but dd is in bed by the time I go so he never normally needs to get up to her

cailindana he has been putting her to bed these last 10 days or so, in prep for my night out. It's been a bit of fight but I could see it getting better, so will continue to do this.

mumsyblouse definitely separation anxiety, it's always worse when teething too. I can relate to your posts, thank you. I'm back at work shortly so think the idea of packing them off for the day is a good idea on a weekend so i can do my work. And will dig something out on SA and get him to read it. I think he just felt a bit hopeless last night, first night of doing it and it didn't go to plan

curiosity kitten yes, def agree day time is better than night, poor little mite just wanted mummy last night, dam those teeth

post I didn't feel like i'd rescued him last night, in fairness, he could have called me back at 8.30 when she woke but instead text to say have a fab night and waited until her normal feed time (she refused a bottle of expressed milk) instead when she was really upset by then.

stressheaderic yes, he has had lots of time off (teacher holidays!!) but we tend to do stuff together, like family picnic, days out to park, beach, swimming, actual holidays or visiting relatives together - i suppose just normal things as a family and I've not realised until now that he can take her out on his own (likewise he's not necessarily stepped up to offer, talks the talk but doesn't see it through iyswim, maybe my fault for not letting him)

Lots to think about, perhaps the 6 weeks holidays will be a good time to get them doing more.

Thanks again :)

Try giving your DD teething camomille granules. I know it's homeopathy but they work a treat for us and many of my friends' babies. I know that is not what you asked for but you said your DP gives her Calpol, cuddles, milk and often the granules are much better than any of those.

In some families, the husband/partner just seems to take on a parental role from the start, but if you read most of the threads on here, so often the woman ends up doing the bulk of the care as they are on maternity leave, they then become the one the children prefer and so at weekends they also do full-time care and so it goes on. In our house, we rather had to force it than it happen naturally, as my husband was working long hours (like yours) and so simply wan't around much. It was then all too easy for me to be the constant carer, with daddy as a fun play dad, but not with the confidence to care for more than an hour max.

It's worth getting his confidence and her used to him caring for her on his own, just as you do. I know quite a few families, even with three children, where the dad can't do sole care of his OWN children, or rather they never do it and so the vicious circle remains. I would nip this in the bud now, especially if you are going back to work. Once my husband saw how great he was at caring for the children, he bonded with them so much better and truly loves spending time wiht them. It also frees me to do things like work away for a few days, or go on a girly week away which I have also done, because I know they are all fine without me (in fact, this can be quite hard to bear, which is why I think a lot of women prefer to do everything).

By everything I also mean: take children to the dentist, ballet lessons, parties, school events, buy clothes and shoes, arrange playdates, all the usual 'wifework' stuff which if you take charge of, you will be doing for all eternity.

mumsy - everything you are saying is right and I can't believe I've not picked up on it before.

I suppose because I'm off work, it's only natural for me to take on all the care. And he can do it but doesn't engage is brain sometimes. Because i am there to pick up things, he doesn't learn how to do the other parts.

DP is an intellegent person but lacks common sense so when Dd has been in his care, they have 'fun' but all the basic stuff he forgets.

Today is a typical example of that - I've had a nap and left him to it with dd asleep on him. We'd had our lunch whilst she was asleep so was due her lunch when she woke (BLW so she eats what we have, I'd left a sandwich in the fridge for her but didn't tell DP). She's woke 20 min after I went to bed but he didn't give it to her, but gave her a biscuit . So when i woke up a good hour later and i can hear her cranky and he said, I think she wants milk. I said have you given her lunch and he said no, as he thought what she had at 10.30 was lunch (it was a little rice bread snack).

I didn't make a big thing of it but think he realised that he'd made an error. He's now gone to bed for a nap (tired after last night welcome to my world) and he hasn't changed her nappy either!

I don't want to undermine him, but surely he should know she needs lunch and changing. His initial solution to a cranky baby is "she wants milk".

Things definitely need to change.

drinkfeckarsegirls yes, I've heard of them. Where do you get them from? I use Nelsons powders normally and amber beads (controversial I know), calpol to me, is a last resort, but we have had to use it these last few weeks (well ibruprofen as have found that works better than paracetomol). DD really does suffer though, her whole personality changes when she's in pain.

One bad night in 11 months isn't enough to say that she isn't bonded to him imo.

I agree with other posters - you need to step back at least half of the time when he's around and let him learn to be a parent, just like you did. You didn't suddenly get some mothering badge the day she was born - you had to learn her cues, routines, what to do in various situations. He needs to do the same and it'll probably be a bit easier initially if you're not around while he does this so he doesn't feel he's got someone breathing down his neck.

Get him to do mornings at weekends while you get a lie in, take her out or you go out, he does lunch, snacks, tea, nappies, bath, bed etc. If he can't do these things during the week then he needs to take over to do his share at weekends.

With the summer holidays coming up soon it's a great opportunity for him to really step up and do 50/50 for the however many weeks he's off.

Another thing that parents who don't spend lots of time alone with babies don't realise is that crying and whinging is normal.(I obviously don't mean the extreme pain sort of cry.) My H wanted to fix crying and whinging and disn't realise how it's normal especially if they are teething and it's not personal. Your h needs more practice. At weekends let him do stuff just him and her. The small victories will improve his confidence and parenting skills.

Yy to teething powders etc. I remember spending ages rubbing my dc gums to soothe the pain of teething.

I agree it doesn't mean they haven't bonded, more that she doesn't see him as a primary carer, and when upset and at night and teething, sometimes you just want your mum. There's nothing wrong with that. I've found that even with my husband doing part-time caring for dd2, there have been times when they have preferred one parent over the other, and only want that one.

I also agree with crazygracieuk that unless you are in charge for a day or more you don't get to see what is normal behaviour for the child, or how to fix it, so everyone will benefit.

I found it easier to step back by actually going out or going to work or sending them out, if I stayed in the house, my dd1 would find me and shout 'want mummy, want mummy' outside the door. But, tough, she had to get used to there being a new person around who was in charge and that I wasn't always going to come and sort everything out.

Op been there so I totally understand, my dad was was admitted into hospital and when I went to visit it was tge firs time dh had put her down. She cried, he felt like crying. Tge second night wasn't quite as bad

It really is down to him putting in tge hours, just as everyone else has said. It doesn't matter how old they get too if they are taken out of tge norm ut confuses and upsets them. Dd was 3.5 before dh gave her a bath on her own and I was downstairs feeding new da. She screamed and cried tge whole time

How about introducing some daddy and dd time for a few hours over tge weekend, an afternoon or morning where they go off and do something?

We've had a chat tonight and he's fine. I thought he was more offended than he actually was this morning.

We've agreed that he needs to spend 121 time with her at weekends. He said he likes spending the time he does have on a weekend as a family, like the 3 of us doing something fun and nice but totally sees why he needs to be her sole carer so that he can learn her cues for hunger/sleep etc.

I admitted that I'd probably let him take a step back over the last few months and he said that it's worked that way because of his job and our decision for me to have 12 months off work.

Both our sisters went back to work at around 6 months and their husbands had a day or two each week, being the sole carer of their dc's - he acknowledged that it's our fortunate position that has meant he hasn't had the 121 quality time that they have perhaps had.

He does do bath time (if home on time) and story time, and will let me have a lie in or nap on a weekend where he has her, so I've probably made it sound worse than what it is. But like mumsy said, if I'm in the house, she knows and he does too, it's easier for him to come and find me rather than dealing with any issues.

My job is working from home and so he needs to step up on a weekend soon, and we've discussed this tonight.

When she woke from her nap earlier, he brought her down and she sat cuddling him then went back to sleep on him (then missed lunch!) so she definitely feels safe and they definitely have a bond - I just would like to improve it and you ladies have helped me with that already just by having an honest conversation with him. So thank you again,

When I had DD2, her dad was doing an MBA. He finished when she was 7 months old. I was bf morning and bedtime only.

It was like she didn't know who he was. He had spent so little time with her that he was just another person she barely knew. He had to work at building a relationship with her.

She's 12 now and she's still a mummy's girl :)

Ahhh, I love a bit of father-daughter bonding! Glad it is working out for you, and it pays dividends in the future, if you can both equally take on childcare at any time point, especially if you both have careers.

Hmmm, maybe it's the same thing you already have. They're called granules on the box but are ultimately powder like and they are made by Nelson. I have them in sachets in a green-white box with a baby on it but also Boots make them in a lilac box. Nelson also make them in small tubes.