is it possible for two people to ...

[CliffBarnsby]

neither be 'bad' people but just have an effect on each other so that they are 'bad' to/for each other?

As in 'toxic relationship'? Probably.
Very wrong for each other, but not bad people as such.
In the better cases, leads to amicable divorce.

Yes.
My brother and his ex. Both nice people and generally ok together but if not able to support each other when down so things got nasty then and they would be bad for and to each other.

Not sure if that's the kind of thing you mean, though.

Yes, it is. My H and I, I think, fit into this category. I can't tell if it is just wishful thinking that I am not the 'bad' one, though. There is a long back story but the general idea is we have seemed to have switched roles. At the beginning I was insecure and nervous and him not bothered, now it is the opposite. We were together for 9 years and just recently got married (we have good times and bad times) and have two young daughters. I am completely torn on what to do.

He is a great dad, which is what makes it SO hard, I think.

and that should say we HAVE BEEN together 9 years, not 'were' - apparently I am already thinking in the past tense.

So at the moment he's insecure and nervous and you're finding it hard to deal with?

Yes, but there is a lot more back story. I moved thousands of miles away from my home with him and have always felt utterly alone here. I hate it here (not in uk). I didn't feel supported at all when we moved not after 2nd daughter when I had PND.

We barely get along and I find he makes a lot of little remarks that are not nice ... Hard to explain... But , like if the kids make a mess on my watch it is because I wasnt watching them. Or how I don't help with the dishes- that is true actually but it is because after being told so many times I wasn't doing it right, he said he'd do them and I said I wasn't as I was obviously incapable. Now he gets pissed that I won't do them. Petty. Yes. But that's not the only example I could give and I got fed up. We are stuck in this circle now.

Sorry- am on phone.

How old is your dd2? Do you think you could still be depressed? Are you apathetic about other parts of your life or 'just' your partner? It sounds like you have had a lot on your plate-moving abroad, plus having the children and then pnd which you say you were not supported through. Does your dh know you feel this way?

Just re-read your last post about the digs he makes at you. Do you think you could benefit from some sort of counselling for you both? Although if you feel like its not going to change and more importantly that you'd rather just not be with him you need to think about leaving. Him being a good dad is not reason enough to stay if you're so unhappy.

Yes, he knows. I told him when we moved (well, after) and I told him I thought I had PND (depressions is not unknown to me). I now only feel this way about him. Dd2 is nearly 3.

Regarding the general way he talks- he thinks I am taking offence when there is none to be taken. He thinks the same about his brother (who would agree with me I am positive). He didn't used to do this, though. He has strops and I find it hard work to even be around him.

Sex is a big problem, too but given everything else that isn't a surprise. Except to him!

I am not sure I want to stay. We are renting though and rental agreement is not up until February. I am in school and have a very low paid job (as most jobs the I qualify for at this point are). He truly cannot afford to give me any money in current rental. To make things even worse, I want to go to graduate school. He is unsure he would "follow" me if we were separated- and then what would happen with my daughters!

He has asked for couples counseling. I refuse. Partially because when I had PND/ or just was depressed after dd2, he said I could go to counseling if I thought I needed it but more or less told
Me to figure out childcare (He would help- of he was available) and affordig it. (this is of course, not his version. He says be wasn't supportive because my school offered it. He didn't know that at the time- how would he have!? And I was never on campus so had no idea how to Acces it or still what to do re childcare!)

I almost feel insane. How can we have totally different realities about so many things?

I should also add that I know I am not incapable of washing dishes or anything silly like that. I can also get mean back and have no problem "defending" myself so I am not exactly helping the situation since I am allowing myself to be dragged into it.