Sister won't leave her voilent boyfriend!!!

[M2T]

Major problems with my Sister.

For a year or 2 she has been living with a guy who all of the family detest. He cheated on her, dismantled her council flat in the pretence that he was going to put in new doors, skirting boards etc…… then disappeared back to his (not so Ex) girlfriend!! My sis only found this out when the girlfriend phoned her to say he was in hospital after collapsing with an OD of cocaine….. and that she wasn’t getting a penny out of him to sort out her flat. My Mum took her to the hospital to see him (EH??) and the girlfriend attacked my Mum and my Sis and got arrested. In the meantime this guy is lying in the bed watching. After all that he moved straight back in with my Sis. My sis still deny’s that he ever had went back to his ex and that he ever slept with her. Her favourite line being “You totally misunderstand him, he’s so nice really.”
That was about a year ago and since then he seemed to be getting back on track. He has been up in court numerous times on drugs charges and has always ‘got off’ with it….. which my Sis seems quite proud about!

But, since he seemed to be sticking around we all gave him the benefit of the doubt. He got himself an OK job and started paying his way. He came to my wedding and I spoke to him then for the first time without my Sister there. I told him that he had turned out okay and that perhaps he genuinely IS making amends for how he treated her. He told me that it was all in the past and he was sorry.

Hmmm….. well. Yesterday my Mum phoned to say that he had beaten her up. My Dad had got a phone call from her hysterical. Whe he got there he was outside, the police were there and my sister was in the flat screaming. He said she had a lump on her head and there were things smashed up in the flat.

He was arrested and my sister made a statement. I phoned her yesterday and she seemed in high spirirt!!! She said he had dragged her about by her hair and kicked her on the head and a domestic abuse counsellor had just left. I swear she was pleased about this!! She has always been a terrible attention seeker and I started to wonder if this was another of her stunts!
She said he was up in court at 2pm and was getting ready. I told her she didn’t have to go but she said she wanted to see him. She also said that when he got out he could live in her flat until he sorted himself out and she would move back to my Mums!! WHAT???? She is giving him the flat??? She said she didn’t want him to lose his job. I was in sheer disbelief at this point.

I waited until 5pm and phoned her to ask what had happened. To my horror HE answered!! I didn’t know what to say…. I just stuttered is my sister there. He said “No pal, she’s away to work.” And that was that!

OH MY GOD! What is she playing at. Part of me feels sorry for her and part of me is sickend that she wasted police time like this. Had my Dad up until 2am worried sick about her. I can’t speak to him civilly again. What a shit!
Its just awful…… what do we do??? She is totally and utterly lost.

Sorry about the weird numbers in there!!! I copy and pasted it from Word.

Sorry, I'm just refreshing this... doesn't anyone have any advice on how we all deal with this man??? How can we help my Sister?

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Thanks Stressyhead. I should point out that he was a dealer when she met him. His ex girlfriend has went for my sister with a Stanley knife when she found out they were an item.

She is my older sister by a year. He is 34 yrs old.... so we're not talking about young and silly teenagers.

Its just disgusting how he treats her and its pitiful how she defends him.

M2T, I know this is hard, but she is a grown woman and you can't make her choices for her. All you can do is give your good advice and continue to be there for her.

I'm assuming they don't have children? why does she stay? is she insecure? does she have a habit and how hard are the drugs that are involved?

lots of questions I know...

I have got myself in some silly situations in the past. My older sister has always worried about me. But i never would have done anything she told me to until i was ready, i had to make the decisions. I love her to pieces but we all make are own mistakes and learn our own lesons, no matter what people do. What she does do for me though is be there when i need her, doesn't judge and say i told you so, and listens.
Good luck m2t, it is horrible seeing someone suffer and not be able to stop it. Just remember it won't last something will give. I feel for you

Salt - Its her flat. His name isn't on anything. He was heavily into Cocaine... dunno if he still is. And we really don't know if she was/is too.

I've just had an update from my Mum. He is back living with her and she says that he is going for counselling.

The problem with my sister is she is a compulsive liar, always has been. So we don't know what to believe.

Janstar - its hard not to be involved when she is phoning my Dad in the middle of the night hysterical, making him drive 10 miles like a lunatic to rescue her.... only for her to welcome him home with open arms the next day!! She even went and waited outside the police station for him!

On a plus point she can't drop the charges even if she wants to coz its the police who are pressing charges. They must just be getting him for breach of the peace (that old chestnut!!).

FF - My sister and I are not close. She won't even invite me up to the flat. I think it does have a lot to do with him. She's been there 2 yrs and I've never been welcomed there. I don't even know exactly where it is!

I am so angry at her for what she is doing to my parents. My Mum has basically told her to phone the police next time (coz there WILL be a next time) instead of making a fool out of them. In a way I feel she is right, perhaps this is just the attention my sister wants.

She starts fights with people at every family get together (including my wedding). Its very hard to have sympathy for someone who, to be honest, isn't a very nice person.

I didn't mean to say not be involved - I can see that's impossible. She is your sister and so you will always care for her. And you probably want to protect her, after all she is in a very dangerous situation.

It's very tough. I wonder what she would do if your dad told her he wasn't going to rescue her again? (I'm not saying that's what he should do, as obviously he has to do what he feels right with). If, as you say, she is an attention-seeker, it might be a good idea to make sure she gets more attention from you when she is taking good care of herself than when she puts herself in this vulnerable position.

I still feel there isn't much you can really do.

M2T, I think some people for some reason thrive from being in destructive relationships. This one sounds quite extreme. I think if your sister was to split up with this guy, she would possibly get into other equally destructive relationships unless she sorted herself out. It's not really about his guy. It's about your sister's issues and only she can help herself to get out of these types of relationships. I really feel for you and your family. I have no idea what I would have done if it was anyone in my family.......

Fairymum and Janstar - Both very good points!

When things are not volatile we never really speak. She only ever phones me when she has either got something to tell me that she is smug about or when something bad has happened.

Perhaps she is only getting the attention when bad things happen. I've never looked at it like that!

However, my Mum goes to see her quite often. So I don't know.

You're probably right. She has always went for the 'wrong' type so to speak. And she has a terrible habit of only going for men who are in relationships with her 'friends'.... which is why she has no friends now.

Thanks for your advice folks. It is appreciated.

No advice, M2T, only a bit of empathy. My brothers are drug addicts & my mom spent the last 10 years of her life all wrapped up in their problems.