DH not interested in me anymore

[Twinkleinmyeye]

Sigh. I love my DH. We've been together for 12 years and have two DC, 2.7 and 7mo. The boys are wonderful, if challenging: both have been "high need" babies IYKWIM. DH has a good job and we've just taken the decision for me to become a SAHM for our boys at least until they're both in school.

DH just doesn't seem interested in me anymore. We go through the pleasantries of the day, weather, what the DC have said or done that's funny, DH's day at work, that sort of thing, but he doesn't seem to want to have much more of a conversation with me. After the children are asleep and chores are finished, he seems to be itching to get away from me, usually so he can go mess about on his computer.

A few months ago, I got really upset and called him on it and he promised to try harder to connect with me but he's slipping away again. I know I have a short temper but I'm trying to work on that too. We don't have sex that often, averaging about once every six weeks and he doesn't seem to mind. I've always had a lower sex drive than him so it doesn't bother me that much, but it feels weird that he's not looking for it as much anymore.

Maybe it's just a phase... Perhaps things will improve when the DC are older? Thanks for reading, if you made it this far!

Are you sure he's not contacting another woman on his computer? Especially if he's not looking for sex as much.

Yes, absolutely sure. I know it sounds naive, but he wouldn't do that. I have actually asked him though, just to be sure. He reassured me, convincingly, that he isn't. He's just playing computer games, thank goodness!

When I was younger I believed what people said. These days I watch how they behave and that tends to be more honest

If my husband doesn't pay me enough attention, I have been known to go up and shut the laptop while he's on it!

Seriously, though, you do have to make time for each other, even if it is watching TV together, having a long meal, an early night. I know it seems to be a bit forced to build this in, but I won't be second to a computer in life and nor should you.

Often this behaviour points to one of two things; another woman or a porn addiction. Unfortunately, the latter can lead to the former so I would try to find out just what is on that laptop that he's itching to get to each evening. I doubt it's only 'computer games'.

Suggest that you try a week with no computer activity and no telly. When the children are in bed, spend the evenings having a conversation until you both go to bed at the same time. See how he responds to the suggestion and if he agrees, how his mood and general equilibrium are while he is parted from the laptop. Then you'll see whether an addiction to something or someone has taken hold.

I like stern's suggestion, but I think he'll find it a bit extreem (no bad thing)

I get the feeling he doesn't realise the seriousness of this issue. Sometimes blokes need it spelled out in words of one syllable. Make it crystal clear to him that somethiong's gotta change.

appalling spelling, sorry

I think it's possible that he's telling the truth. Computer games can be quite a serious addiction - after all, how many of us sometimes find ourselves spending too much time on MN when there are lots of other things in RL that we should be getting on with?!

How about you take up sternface's suggestion, but for a couple of nights a week? On those nights the laptop stays off. Explain how much you want this for your marriage. Would he agree to that? If not, then you may have a problem.

Are you sure you want to be a SAHM? If you are not getting adult company from your husband it might be good to get it from colleagues, at least part-time.

I am sorry but I do think you have to consider the possibility of an affair here, however unlikely it seems to you. Can you pinpoint when your husband started to become distant?

I agree with the possibility of an affair

Mine behaved in exactly the same way as yours, I could have written what you wrote. Turns out he was on numerous websites looking for no strings sex with many women. You need to check his history/emails etc.

I'd just like to say that my DH goes through phases of 'itching to get to his computer games' after work or chores.

The thing is i know exactly what he's doing as it feeds through on to our bloody great telly in front of us in the lounge and i can see what he's doing! (mostly shooting things)(i'm on the lap top MNing)

So he may well only be playing games. They are a bit adictive sometimes. He should be happy to turn it off if you ask though OP.

You could always take up a hobby.
Evening classes?
You can't 'force' someone to be interested as this will just seem false IYSWIM.
Use this time to do what you want to do.

I agree with fluffyraggies as he may just be being sucked in to the web, which happens - and tallwivglasses, you have to let him know gently but in clear simple words (!) what you need. Could it be that he's a bit low? We all need our own space and maybe he's just fallen down in a bit of a hole.
Yes, and get a hobby as lowest suggests; this is good advice. If you busy yourself with stuff, he may well come round to you. - Unless he's having an affair like fergoose suggests, in which case I have no help to offer, just support and a hug

Sounds like life to me and I have been here a few times. When the kids are small and they need lots of attention, everyone can get a bit too knackered in the evening to do anything much. I don't think it's indicative of addiction to porn or an affair, I think it's indicative of life being quite tiring, routine and boring at the moment for both of you. Especially when you're a good enough parent to be giving the little ones lots of attention..you end up running out of steam! It probably will get better, but it could get worse, so you (both) need to take a bit of action. You definately need some fun and if it's forced to start with and if you have to make the first moves then so be it! Definately arrange an evening out even if it's only once a fortnight or so, or grab the kids and go bowling. Arrange something for yourself with the girls...I was really lonely when mine were small and really needed female company and I took that good mood home with me. The sex got better when we both started remembering why we fancied each other in the first place. Sometimes I think the long heartfelt discussions just lead to everyone feeling all the more lethargic and depressed. Plan a treat (may I also suggest huge ice cream sundaes with hot chocolate sauce!) , preferably child free..children are wonderful but being mum and dad all the time can get a bit tough.

Yes, Actually you're right. This is just life! OP you are not alone, far from it. This is why MN was developed!

Well, my PIL took the DC this afternoon and DH and I had a good talk. Turns out he's had some issues at work which he didn't want to burden me with (!) and has been feeling really stressed. He said the gaming is a good way for him to de-stress, which I get, but he has agreed to set aside two evenings for gaming, and the rest he'll spend with me (unless I'm shattered or just want to watch trash on TV :o).

Anyway, PIL arrived back at house early and may have heard us making up... Now I'm too ashamed to go downstairs!!

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. :)

Lol.... Nice to read a happy ending! Hope all goes well from now on.

Ha haaaa! Brilliant. Really pleased.

That's brilliant, you do need to make time to listen and support eachother. Sex is generally a good way to sharing your innermost feelings.

:)