Dh's family

[CuriosityCola]

My dh adores his immediate family and since moving closer to them wants to spend as much time with them as possible.

Unfortunately, I don't really connect with them. This isn't the right word, but I don't know how else to put it. They are lovely people and his mum would do anything for us. 'I just want to help' is her saying. The problem is no matter how much time we spend with them it is never enough. At the moment we see his parents every weekend and it's never just a quick cup of tea. Especially since ds was born.

Dh would like to spend more time with his dsis and bil, but we just don't really get on. I don't know how I have so much in common with dh, but nothing with his family.

I have been trying to make effort as I know dh would be hurt I didn't. I have tried to discuss that I'm quite independent and don't really want to spend every weekend with his family plus see them on my own during the week. mil texts/phones me more than anyone else I know and I feel bad for refusing all the time. It's getting to the stage where I grudge spending any time with them and is causing problems in our relationship.

Sorry this is so rambled. I can't really put into words why spending time with these people makes me so miserable. I sound horrid and ungrateful.

Any suggestions on what I can do? I'm not very good at hiding my feelings.

How old is your DS?

I could have written your OP.

My tactic is to negotiate with DH how often we see ILs and then be the one planning the meetings. You take control. "I can see you here at x time for y minutes.". Going out is always easier than staying in.

Once your DS is older you can leave him with them and escape. Win/win.

Let's face it, their real interest is our DHs and their DGCs, not us! . So use them as babysitters whilst you get your hair done and you don't have to see them!

Ds is ten months old, bf and co-sleeps. This doesn't make pil or sil very happy as because I'm so clingy he can't stay at there houses.

I think you are right about the going out part. One of the problems is if they come here they don't leave. If we go to them they can string a lunch into a four hour meal and still make you feel like you have eaten and ran.

Do you feel like you are disappointing them all the time?

Good grief every weekend PLUS on your own during the week!!! When do you and your H get family time alone or to see your family or even friends? This is not healthy.

You are a saint, how have you not cracked and screamed at them all to fuck off and never come back.

You need to sit down and talk to your DH no matter how hard it is. If he is a decent man he will understand that they are making you claustraphobic (spelling?).

Explain to him that you do love his mother/sister and think they are lovely but if they don't back the fuck off then you are going to end up being really resentful and this is going to cause issues.

Also tell him that their negative comments about how you chose to bring your child up are very upsetting and make you want to see them even less. They are perfectly welcome to have their opinions however they need to keep them to themselves.

Does DS have a day time routine. Could you call up MIL and say he will be fed at 10am on Thursday would you like to come and take him out in the pram for an hour on your own?

Then have a cup of tea and put your feet up?

If she takes the piss timewise more than once tell her & your H that if she cannot stick to what you have asked then she cannot do it again.

Oh and make plans for at least 1 weekend a month so you cannot see them that weekend.

Yes, OP, I do.

FWIW, my DS (my DC2) is also 10mo, co-sleeps and bf, so I know exactly how you feel!

However, unlike my DC1, he does also take a bottle and a dummy, so I can leave him with the ILs if I need to. And have done so, albeit rarely.

I agree with having a weekly routine and inviting them round to look after DS with you at a certain time for an hour or two whilst you GO OUT and do something. Get a pedicure or a hair cut. Or send them out with him in the pushchair whilst you sleep or have a bath.

Or let them come over and do bath time once a week. My MIL loves to do that.

But make sure it's on your terms.

I also agree about making other weekend plans so that it's difficult to squeeze them in.

That is a good idea Poppy. Does DS go to sleep alone? Get MIL or SIL to come over and do the bathing. Do the evening feed and then you and DH pop out for an hour or two leaving them to babysit in your house and giving both of you a break?

I like the idea of making more weekend plans so it is harder to fit them in. One weekend I simply said we were having a day to ourselves on the Sunday rather than visiting as had hardly seen dh all week. I received a text message from mil saying she hoped we were enjoying our family day. I remember when it was the norm!

We do get pil to babysit, but ds never seems to settle for them. Thus, I end up with a shattered and wired baby. I wouldn't mind but if I text to check on him they say everything is fine.

This is very therapeutic having a rant about them.