What is wrong with me?

[GlitterPunk]

I've posted a few times about my awkward social situations. The more I think about it, the more I think there has to be something wrong with me. I do see that not everyone will like me, which is fine because I don't like everyone either, but to average 2-3 awkward situations a week is a bit excessive.

*I do acknowledge that I've had a very hot and cold relationship with my in-laws, but I've consistently stayed positive and caring towards them...

I've been in London for 6 years, (I'm American) in America whichever city I was in, I was able to make friends quite easily. Not just acquaintances but actual friends. Also, I don't remember encountering many people with bad manners. I've always thought of myself as super social and genuinely nice. I do lots of volunteer work, and help anyone that ever needs it (if I've got the time.)

Although I don't work, I have a child with mild SEN so I'm often busy with his therapies, I do a good amount of charity work and I'm studying for a masters degree, I also have quite a lot of family commitments. I enjoy the way I spend my time, it keeps me busy and generally happy.

My problem is, that on average abut 2-3 times a week in completely different situations random people say things that just leave me stunned. Ridiculously rude comments that really have me questioning myself.

This past weeks examples are:

1.Family Fathers day brunch:

DS was playing in the garden and he is ridiculously shy, a very very extended family friend walks up to DS to say hello. DS says "Hello" but without making eye contact with this person. She says "Oh, you're very rude, aren't you? I wonder who you take after?" (while looking at me)  there was a large group of relatives outside already but people did stop talking to listen to this...so I calmly said "He's responded to your greeting, he's got wonderful manners for a 3 year old...your comment and tone are exceptionally rude." My DS did say "Yeah!" after that and a few relatives did echo that her comment was inappropriate/rude. 

1. Charity Meeting

A new woman came to the meeting, and she was old friends with some of the organizers she sat to my right. So before the meeting we introduced ourselves to each other and exchanged pleasantries. Except, it wasn't pleasant for me. It was like 20 questions...after I answered her, she said "Oh, I know someone who grew up in your hometown+went to your university...but she sounded more posh than you...are you sure you grew up where you say?" 

I did laugh it off as such an absurd question, and changed the subject to keep the atmosphere pleasant...I asked her questions about what she was doing...

If you've read this far, thank you soo very much...please tell me what it is about me that makes people say such weird things to me? I am chubby, do you think it's my size that makes people say things to me?

Although I am chubby (size 14/16) , I still dress well and make a huge effort with my appearance. My hair and make up is usually done, I don't smell bad. Sometimes I even bring cake. (sometimes).

Can I just ask, you say you are American, do you live in the US now or the UK. Reading your post I wasn't sure and wonder if there is some cultural issues here IYSWIM?

Sorry that sounded odd 'you say you are American'... Not an accusation just a weird turn of phrase from me. Oops.

In London now, been here 6 years.

Ok, actually on rereading that makes sense.

The first situation sounds quite passive aggressive from your relative, and very inappropriate to involve your child. I'm not surprised it upset you. It sounds like this person has maybe felt slighted by you in the past but has not raised it with you, her actions sounds like this was her 'pathetic but British' way of raising it. It obviously made other family members feel uncomfortable... You could either tackle this head on (more of an American approach) and speak to her about it in a one on one situation. I wish us brits were better at doing this, so if you do then be aware that it'll make her uncomfortable. Otherwise you could take the British approach and ignore it. As you say though it's family member so it depends on what relationship you'd want with her.

The second situation, the person sounds as if they were genuinely interested in you and as you were the only person she didn't know was getting to know you. The comment was a bit odd and wouldn't surprise me from 'a middle class person of a certain age'. They actually probably didn't mean it in the way it sounded, but a comment back along the lines of the MN statement 'did you mean to sound rude there?' might not of been out of place.

These people don't actually sound like people you'll be wanting to be friends with though. Don't get disheartened by it.

I think it's 'London' quite honestly. Being originally from Manchester where we 'speak as we find' and are therefore not easily offended, I find London is a fertile breeding ground for all kinds of random nutters, usually disguised as posh ladies of a certain age.

Classic from a very smart christening a few years ago when I was buttonholed by a woman who discovered I was a single parent (horror!). "A single parent. I see. And do you live in a little council flat....?" I actually own a fairly large house in an expensive town which I took great pleasure in describing. She didn't even blush.

Suggest you sharpen your elbows and have a few withering put-downs prepared for next time. And try Manchester... if we're going to insult you, we're not so snidey about it. :)

Oh and I very much doubt these comments are to do with your size, which sounds like an average size anyway. ...bringing cake is always a bonus!

To me, it definitely sounds cultural, but you do seem to have come across a very suburban cliche...

English people can be particularly vile. I can say that, because I am one. A relative moved to the States years ago and was stunned by how welcoming people were, and how quickly they made friends.

It's not you at all, you sound lovely. If someone is rude, just accept they are rude and it is their issue.

Trouble is, she's a family friend but no one seems to know who invites her to these events. So I don't have any way of contacting her on her own unless I take her to the side at the next family event.

I am completely in favor of fixing whatever problem there may be.

As far as the second situation: The lady next to me was 23...not sure what is considered middle class in London still. I can never tell.

Take her to the side next time you have a family event then. You don't want to be uncomfortable around her and if she keeps on turning up sounds like she's a stayer. Even if it doesn't work, at least you know you tried.

I would say making a statement like that lady did is a good definition of 'middle class suburbanite', overly concerned with the notion of posh or not. FWIW an actual posh person is generally too posh to notice others relative poshness or even care!

I also agree with Cognito, London does seem to breed more of these people. Never been happy there myself, although there are lots of lovely people there, you just have to look harder...

23? Then she was just being a moronic air-head and you'd have been quite entitled to thank her for not accusing you of lying.....

Looks like I'll be looking for lovely people forever at this point. But this is just what I've encountered this week. I'm absolutely scared of what I'll face next week.

Hmm. Well, obviously we all encounter rude people occasionally, and those who are rather grand about their social status. It's odd that you're meeting so many, though. Is it something about your inlaws? Or the voluntary groups you help out with?

In any case, it's probably worth trying to let these comments wash over you (some will just be foot-in-mouth syndrome anyway) and trying to find people you get on better with.

sorry to hear that!

could it be though that you haven't picked up on some kind of wind-up type of joke? some people just have a weird sense of humour.. obviously i haven't seen the exact situation, but just a thought..

(greeting back for a 3 year old is very good btw!)

I would've just laughed off and forgot about those comments, although I guess it depends what kind of mood I would've been in. Especially the second situation is a very forward thing to say to a stranger, maybe she was the type to think before you speak..

Hope you get some good experiences soon!

Come to the north, we're much friendlier than Londoners!

Out of interest, how many other conversations did you have at the family gathering that went well? Are you focusing on the difficult ones?

It could just be that you're in a strange social circle. I once spent some time with a friend's social circle and came home questioning myself almost every time. They were the rudest bunch of people - almost all of them. Never met so many gathered into one place before or since. Birds of a feather I guess.

I know you're questioning because you think it's happening regularly, but don't automatically assume that it has anything to do with you. Young girl may be setting out to prove herself and suffering from insecurities. Family friend clearly has no social skills which is why no-one will admit to inviting her .

There is nothing wrong with you. Some people are assholes. It's not you, it's them. Hope this helps :)

The rest of the family were fine. I'm not the favorite in-law by any means, but everyone seems to be happy to see me at events.

We had Sunday lunch with my in-laws today and I did mention the incident. Mil said that the 'friend' in question did indeed say something quite weird, but she's always said only good/nice things about me...no one understood what her comment was about.

** so 1st weird situation of this week has been: We were invited to a surprise birthday party, and we sent in confirmation that we would be attending (3 days from the day we were invited--and got back a response this morning saying that we hadn't responded in time and that there were no more space available at the venue).

Some of us come out with weird shit when we're stressed or anxious. I certainly do. If you get it from somebody you want or need to have ongoing friendly relations with, ask them for re-confirmation: the mumsnet "Did you mean ... ?" is good because it assumes the speaker put her foot in it accidentally. That's certainly the case when I do it!

If you don't 'need' them, just brush it off.

Do you want to go to this party? I'd ring them up if so, again with the assumption there's been a mistake: they must have mixed you up with someone else.