Grumpy DH - should I cut him some slack?

[Tryingvhard]

Looking for a bit of perspective as I'm finding it difficult to work out whether I should be more tolerant and lower my expectations or whether my husband is simply a grumpy git. If the latter, is there anything I can do to improve things?

So...DH is like most men, very busy at work and currently I'm finding that he's in a grump most weekends. I know family life isn't exactly relaxing but he doesn't seem to get much enjoyment from us at all. He is very helpful in terms of doing stuff at home, looking after kids and gives up a lot of his time for them. But if he's going to be miserable while doing it, I think I'd rather he not be!

The other thing is his 'tone'. It feels as though (although I'm sure it's not all the time) like he has a short, snappy tone with DDs, especially DD1. Its almost as though he's waiting for them to do something wrong and then he blows at them. How can I make him see that the way he speaks to the children is just, well, not on? I've mentioned it numerous times and he usually says well they aren't doing what they're told / they speak to me like that (and where do they get that from?!)

I don't want the children to remember their Dad as being always grumpy and cross most, but I just feel as though I'm being a nag if I say anything. I know he needs time to relax and maybe that's part of the answer - encourage him to take more time for himself.

Sorry, kind of rambling now. Anyone have suggestions on how I can broach this with him in a nice way?

Thx

My ex H was one of four. Their Dad was a hard worker and provided for them all, got up with them when sick, took them swimming every week to give MIL a break, as they've got older and his finances have improved, he has been very generous with them, sorting out financial issues for them etc. I know all this because MIL and he told me.

All I ever heard from ex and all of his siblings was how awful a temper he had and how scared they were of his shouting . They have a good relationship now but that is their overriding memory of their childhood and how he is always described by any of them as having a terrible temper and shouting a lot. They said they could tell by how he closed the gate when he came in from work what sort of mood he was in. Being scared or sad are overwhelming memories and that's what kids remember.

Tell him that.

I don't know if this is acceptable, but I do know its common. Most of my female friends have described their husbands/partners as grumpy at one time or another, we seem to have a nation of grumpy old men.

But, as akaemma says, having a shouty aggressive father is horrid (and I would say different than a quiet, slightly grumpy manner). I don't think all shouting is the work of the devil, like some on MN, but it needs to be proportionate and only happen occasionally, otherwise all they will remember is a grumpy horrible dad.

I think the suggestion of telling him that's what they will remember is a good one. Also, if he's rude/grumpy to you, calmly and nicely point it out and/or don't do what he asks until he speaks to you in a nice manner. So, basically treat him a bit like a toddler, plus have a proper chat about this as well.

Hi OP, I grew up in a family with a father just as you have described, in fact, possibly worse. My memories of my father growing up was a man that was not engaged with his family, a man who was never happy interacting with us, a man who would have these silences for weeks at a time. I still vividly remember when I was 17, and my father didn't speak to me for 5 months, and to this day, I don't know why. Even at 17, I knew what my father was doing was not normal.

Does your husband want to be remember in this way by his children in the future? Because if he doesn't change how he thinks about, and interacts with his family, this is how he will be remembered. However, even though you point this out to him, it is up to him to change. I cannot tell you how damaging your husband can be to your children.

Hope this helps.

Life is short. Joy is important. Sometimes we forget that, and perhaps your husband needs to be reminded? I think life can be very stressful for people and if you have a long, genuine talk you may be able to uncover what the problem(s) is/are, and you can both look at making changes in you life? As you suggest, more relaxing, fun-loving times, in or out of the family? And I agree with others about how he talks to the children. Being a bit of a grump sometimes is one thing, but "its almost as though he's waiting for them to do something wrong and then he blows at them" sounds pretty miserable ...

I agree with jane that joy is important - my PILs are quite negative people, and I find it really depressing.

Having said that, at the end of the day your DH is responsible for his relationship with his DC. You have 'mentioned numerous times' that you think he is short / snappy with the DCs, I'm not sure there is much more you can do. I know that I would find it quite annoying if my DH kept commenting on the 'tone' I used when speaking to our kids!

I think the best thing you can do is stop watching out for it and worrying about it and concentrate on setting a good example yourself. Make sure that you and the DCs share plenty of joy together - hopefully your DH will observe it, and want to be part of it!

I would be thinking here about depression, and talking to him about your concern that his lack of enjoyment is worrying you and is rubbing off on the children.

symptoms of depression

Even if this doesn't fit, I think you need to talk to him about it seriously. I know first hand how draining it is living with someone who is persistently grumpy and negative. Try and get to the bottom of it.

Thanks so much everyone for replying, you've given me some things to think out.

Sosad, I'm sorry you had an unhappy time with your Dad; I really don't think it's as bad for us (we certainly don't get silent treatment, that's horrid) but I am going to talk to him and ask him if he wants the children to remember him as grumpy and snappy all the time. Jamie, I have briefly wondered about depression; not sure its quite as serious but we need to have a long chat about where its all come from. Just need to find a good time....

Tumbletumble, I hadn't thought of how annoying it would be for someone to comment on them a lot! Will bear that in mind too.

Thanks again

It may be about work, it may be that he feels he gets no time to himself. I really hope it's not, but it could be that there's another woman on his mind.

My dad suffered from depression and the early bit started with snappy, irritable and anhedonia (inability to get enjoyment out of things he previously enjoyed - including inability to laugh).

Good luck with it all x

You said "currently" you're finding him to be a grump. Does this mean he wasn't like this previously? How long has it been going on?

I would sit him down and tell him that you think he might be a bit stressed and depressed, and that you're worried about him. Don't start off by saying you think he's traumatizing the DC's!! See what his response is. He might not realize he's been behaving that way or he may have been waiting for you to point it out.

Sounds like he could use a bit of help though. Especially if this is new behaviour.

I would definitely check out the possibility of depression. It's very common and very treatable.

like confused said,has he always been grumpy?
There could be other things going on,and no,I dont necessarily mean an OW.
Is he worried about finances,for instance,or his health,or any other number of things,job situation,middle age etc etc
He is being very helpful at home>
So fwiw,I dont think it is to do with you.
If it is not his normal behaviour,you may need to have a chat,to see if there is something else that is troubling him.