What is wrong with me?

[tenzeros]

I've been single for five years. Came out of an abusive relationship. My problem is that I don't want to be single anymore and really want to find a new partner, however, I just can't seem to bring myself to do it. Every time a guy shows interest I find myself heading for the hills and the though of getting close scares the hell out of me!!

Problem number two is that I know I am so much better of without my ex, however, we were together for 16 years and admit I still love him and miss him. I really want to get past this, it's making me so unhappy! Any advice?

Counselling. It really helped me understand how I ended up in an EA relationship and how to avoid ending up in another one.

I had a year of counselling and do recognise how it happened and the warning signs I missed etc, so I don't feel in danger of falling for another abuser, I just can't seem to get close to anyone. It's really frustrating :(

maybe try and get to know these men as it's not really possible to instantly fall in love with a new person. With any luck one of them will be a worthwhile interesting person who you could gradually get to like/admire? if you brain is still wired to love the ex, it's hard to replace this unless someone has extremely strong impact quickly. I get a feeling you don't give the others a chance (without rushing into intimacy, I mean).

How are your other relationships? Do you have problems getting close to people in general or is it just when it comes to dating?

When I came out of my EA relationship I had symptoms that resembled PTSD. It's s massive trauma to come through something like that so don't be too harsh on yourself and congratulate yourself for having come so far. It's concerning that you feel like to still ove your ex even though you recognise he abused you. That doesn't suggest you have really dealt with or come to terms with everything yet. It's not healthy to be pining for your abuser. Maybe you need to go back to counselling and explore that a bit more?

When you meet people who might be potential partners what makes you freak out? That they might end up being abusive too?

I have not been intimate with anybody since my ex. I just can't bring myself to, major part of the problem. I like getting to know the people etc, but then realise it's not fair to string people along who are expecting something more than you are willing to offer iyswim? I think the worst part of the problem is finding myself unable to be physically attracted.

Is that because of the way you feel about your ex do you think?

Or could it just be that you haven't met anyone you fancy yet?! It can take a while to find someone who floats your boat.

Madonna, other relationships no problems, have friends of both sexes. I just don't know what it is with the still in love with ex thing, I hate what he did, and my head feels disgusted by him but my heart still loves him, I have no idea why!

What freaks me out is the thought of being physical and ending up in a relationship I'm not happy in.

Madonna, not due to not fancying etc, tried with a guy I did and still do fancy pants off :) just cannot bring myself to get close!

I need to go to bed soon so don't think I've abandoned you!

You mustn't think there's anything 'wrong with you'. Being in an abusive relationship can completely screw your head and emotions and it takes a long time to unpick the damage.

I'm no professional, but I think if you fancy the pants off someone but cant be intimate with them then that's indicative of some issue that you still need to work through.

Maybe look into finding a counsellor who specialises in relationships? Or even psychosexual stuff?

Life's too short and five years is a long time to still be feeling scared and in the grips of an abusive man you physically got away from but who's obviously still in your head.

You deserve to be happy.

Thanks Madonna, and you're right, he's obviously still in my head :(

Dear tenzeros - I wasn't sure about posting as I cannot say anything that will be constructive or helpful to you!

Quite simply, I am in exactly the same position as you. I love my ex and have no interest at all in another relationship. I have a great family and good friends but still yearn to be with my ex (the way he used to be before he met the OW). I try to block him from my mind but it's impossible.

Wish that we could press an "unlove" button in our brains.

I know how you are feeling - best wishes! x

You still have plenty of time for Joy And Bliss. Trust me.

jynier, thank you for sharing that. Even though I'm sorry you're in my position, it helps to know that somebody else understands.

Maybe sometimes that's just the way it is.

How are you feeling today tenzeros?

Same as jynier, talked it through with a friend and confided pretty much what I have here.

It's hard because these are the people who helped me through all the pain and devastation and are obviously alarmed to hear me say it.

How are things with you?

Was coping today (find that weekends are particularly difficult) until I started reading the "On the verge of becoming OW ..." thread.

It made my blood boil and have refrained from posting as feel so angry.

Having said that, I am very grateful to MN for the caring advice that I have received in the past although my feelings for my ex have never changed.

It's tough! Hope that you're ok!

Weekends are the hardest too, so totally know where you are on that.

Yes that thread has ruined my day too, unfortunately I did vent through the keyboard. The site is great for support but threads like that can be hard and also when you see others go through it too.

Hope the day gets a bit better :)

tenzeros - hope that you had a good night's sleep. x

Whoops! Sorry - posted on the wrong thread! Doesn't matter, though. Still hope that you had a good night! Saw your posts on the OW thread - well done! You must have helped knock some sense into OP's head!

Hope so jynier, I hate those OW posts, pretty arrogant posting where there are women who have been on the receiving end of it trying to get their heads together.

Hope weekend went ok :)

Have PM'd you.

I'm probably not the one who should be giving advice, but what I found worked when I was getting over my abusive ex was just forcing myself to jump back on the horse. Even if I didn't fancy the pants off the guy, and didn't really want anything to do with him after a couple of weeks, it helped to just get over the hurdle of the "first time after."

After that, relationships became easier and easier.

Thanks confused, have considered that a lot of times, but just clam up, hopefully one day soon I may be able to take that leap :).

jynier, have sent you a message :).