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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I hold on or let him go?

24 replies

glasslady · 22/06/2012 19:55

Im not sure what to do anymore....
briefly my dp and I hav been having few problems on off for about a year. We gradually stopped having sex... we dont even cuddle anymore, we hav one dc 9 yr old. He seems distant and we hav had several upsetting talks about how things arent working. he doesnt even share my bed now. it has been very gradual but now we barely spend any time to gether.. I have asked if we could try again but i know in my heart he isnt here really, he says hes only here for our dc. Ive cried ive got angry hes stormed out and so have i. He has started working away gradually more and more. I know he only rings to speak to our dc.

Ive feel ive tried every tact... but has made no difference. Our dc misses him now hes working away so much. I was hoping he would want to stay with us because of dc. Ive tried to be nice and keep calm but inside my heart is breaking. I do love him and wish we could have us back. But should i let him go? IF he isnt happy if im obviously not enough should i try to hang on? I can tell he doesnt want ot be here.

I have had deep concerns he was seeing someone else.. nothing concrete just a gut feeling.. I have asked him about some of the friends he has with various sporting clubs but he says he isnt having an affair. My friends and family dont think hes the type... but if hes unhappy with me surely its only a matter of time.

I dont know what to do...

OP posts:
Bongobaby · 22/06/2012 20:17

Can you try and sit down and talk things through

MissFaversam · 22/06/2012 20:20

Oh glass how awful for you.

I personally think you now need distance. He has told you quite blatantly how he feels.

You can bring a horse to water but you can never make them drink it.

Stop beating yourself up or trying to be better. You deserve so much more.

Ask for a separation.

RandomMess · 22/06/2012 20:20

If he's determined to not reconcile with you it's probably better to split, sorry.

Xales · 22/06/2012 20:22

Let him go.

This isn't a good example of a relationship to set for your DC.

He has left your marriage either alone or with help. Trust your gut feelings no matter what he says or how he is not the type.

It will hurt, however the longer you stay in this relationship the longer it takes to start healing and moving on.

You deserve to be happy.

Original poster
glasslady · 22/06/2012 20:23

we hav on several occasions but the result is he says its not working, and it feels hes right because it isnt now. Im not sure how we have got here to be honest. its been that gradual. ive just read a post about someone whos H read them a list of how things were going to be and hes was leaving. i know any day he is just going to walk. maybe i should just suggest he does. maybe thats what hes waiting for?
i just cnat bring myself to say the words though

OP posts:
Original poster
glasslady · 22/06/2012 20:27

He has already suggested we need time apart. I cant even believe hes saying that. then i suppose you never do think your h will say that to you do you? My mum feels i need to gain back my self worth by asking him to leave.
I know he adores our dc and thats why he is still here. but its obvious his love for me has changed. just hard to accept.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 22/06/2012 20:29

Sad I guess issue an ultimatum he either puts the effort in to rekindle your marriage or he goes, his choice which.

MissFaversam · 22/06/2012 20:31

this is the worst bit OP, the letting go but people don't own each other.

Mumsyblouse · 22/06/2012 20:32

This must be a very difficult situation, however I think your mum is right, the only way you will gain back your self-esteem is to refuse to be treated like an annoying smell that refuses to go away. I think he's probably trying to provoke you into leaving him so he doesn't look like the awful one, but he is awful as basically he's saying he doesn't want to be with you anymore, only staying for your dc, but not actually following through. I know you still love him, but being rejected is really going to make you feel awful, and hanging on isn't going to change the outcome now, I think it's already decided, it's just a matter of when. I'd ask him to leave on your terms, before he ups and does it and hurts you even more.

Xales · 22/06/2012 20:34

You don't share a bed, he works away a lot of time, only phones for the kids and is suggesting you need time apart... You can't get much more apart in a marriage than you already are. What a sad lonely life.

In my opinion he is too much of a coward to tell you he wants out so he tells you he wants time apart. He may have someone lined up and so time apart = not cheating to him.

I think you need to face up to the end of your marriage, sorry Sad

Original poster
glasslady · 22/06/2012 20:36

he has suggested he moves out and has said he would look for somewhere. and im trying to work my way up to asking him to leave this weekend. I know he could go and stay with family.
thank you everyone i know you are right. Its just become unbearable in every way and i feel our dc also needs something to happen one way or the other. i just dont want to be fighting over our dc. she needs both of us. it just changes everything though doesnt it.

OP posts:
Xales · 22/06/2012 20:38

I know we are not as good as a real hug however there is nearly always someone on here even in the dead of night when you need to talk /hugs

MissFaversam · 22/06/2012 20:39

You DC will still have both of you OP you will just co-parent instead and they will walk into two happier homes.

Original poster
glasslady · 22/06/2012 20:39

missfaversonam you are right. i dont own him, i realise marraige doesnt mean you own someone you can only hope u grow together. thats why i feel i have to let him go for both our sakes and our dc, so painful but i know in my heart its what i must do:)

OP posts:
Original poster
glasslady · 22/06/2012 20:40

:(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 22/06/2012 20:40

you should listen to your mum (mums mostly know best)

take some control back, OP, and give your self respect a break

this man doesn't want you any more, whether there is OW or not

MissFaversam · 22/06/2012 20:41

and of course OP a huge huge hug from me too. Be brave though sweetheart, take a gulp and do what has to be done.

Original poster
glasslady · 22/06/2012 20:42

thank you xales x

OP posts:
Original poster
glasslady · 23/06/2012 19:02

Just to let everyone know i asked him to leave last night, because after talking again last night it seems he doesnt want to stay here even if hes only here a few days a week when hes not away working not even for our dc.ejust keeps saying we need space apart. so im sure his feelings have changed for me.

SO i asked him and he has left today. I m heart broke to my core, probably in shock but i am relieved tbh. I hav no idea how i will get through this, one day at a time i suppose. my sister an mum both saying i will survive no point hanging onto the past its gone.

OP posts:
Xales · 23/06/2012 19:13

I am so sorry Sad

You deserve someone who loves you and wants to be with you. Not someone who keeps you there just as the other parent to their child.

Do just take one day at a time. It will be a roller coaster. Some days you will get so angry that he could treat you like this that you could punch his head in, other days you will spend crying your eyes out and wanting him back.

Look after yourself and your DC. Try and make sure you eat something and keep the tea going hard as it may seem.

Get all the balls rolling financially and legally as a single parent. Council tax etc.

AnyFucker · 23/06/2012 19:25

take care, love x

I think you have done the right thing

only let someone share your one precious life, who really REALLY wants to x

Midwife99 · 23/06/2012 19:30

Sorry love, obviously I know how you're feeling right now as you'll see from my thread. The feeling sick, the loss of concentration, time seems to speed up or slow down somehow (is it 7.30 already? All I've done is look out the window!) Fear, anxiety, tears then feeling numb. I think it's all normal. Have a glass of wine & try to sleep if you can. Probably not the best advice but a couple of night nurse capsules help me to sleep at the moment. There's a few of us here feeling the same so plenty of hand holding available. Sad

Original poster
glasslady · 23/06/2012 21:05

Thanks Midwide99 I get where you are totally. I feel numb right now, empowered last night the sheer enormity when i think what this can mean.

starting again at 40... and i hav to kkep working, managed so far with just a few days off but in some ways having to get up and go to work makes me keep functioning.

I did try to sit back a little and let him think more about what he was doing to our dc but he says he will be here for her as much as he can. Its just hard to accept but i understand he cant live a lie and pretend im his love when im obviously not. and when i discussed with my sister today i realised we have been functioning as brother and sister for quite some time on many levels.

just incredibly sad we let it get to this. if he stayed surely he would end up in an affair of some sort. thats if he hasnt already :(

OP posts:
Midwife99 · 23/06/2012 21:09

Such a shame! At least there's been no abuse or affairs & you can part reasonably amicably.

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