Concerns over mum's relationship/marriage

[Spice17]

In the grand scheme of things my mum seems to be happy but I have some concerns.

Long story short, she had me with my Dad (who was abusive) divorced him and married SDad and had my brother. In 2008 it came out SDad having an affair with distant family friend, lots of hurt etc but neither of them were happy - now divorced.

Fast forward to now and after trying internet dating, my Mum started seeing a man she already knew, they now live together and are getting married in Aug.

My concerns are around her partners distinct lack of money (is in a poorly paid job working for his brother's business but unwilling to look elsewhere) but he's still insisting on a church wedding and my mum is footing almost all of the bill using her inheritence - which really wasn't much to start with. He's paid for a weeks honeymoon costing around £650. She works just under full time hours in a care type job, so not getting megabucks herself.

We've had brief discussions about this before but quite frankly feel he's taking the piss. I do think he loves my mum but as an example about the wedding costs, she said to me 'X thinks having a choir would be a good idea' when he's not bloody paying ffs. He also bought a brand new car (with what I don't know, loan maybe?) just after they started planning the wedding without really consulting her.

I also have concerns over how much he actually contributes to household costs and he does bugger all around the house either, my poor mum runs herself ragged (and always has done)

I don't feel able to have a frank disussion with her really, she'll do what she wants anyway but I was just hoping third time round, someone would treat her well and maybe take her on hoilday and things like that. She's not had it easy :(

Should I broach again with her? I'm PG so get a bit ranty and don't want to get like that but really concerned for her future.

I don't think it would do any good. I'd feel the same as you though .

If you think you can talk to her without it turning into a big fall out then give it a go. Personally I have never known anyone listen to others advice when they're all caught up in it. People just have to make their own mistakes.

I don't think it will help to talk to her but it might make you feel better to know you have tried.I think your approach which is you want her to be treated well would work best, maybe describe what you would hope for her. Someone that she can lean on who will contribute in all areas of her life, like household chores and finances.

I know someone who is marrying for the 3rd time. She is marrying because she can't bear to be alone. She would prefer to be married to Mr Wrong than be single. Sadly we can see the writing on the wall, but until the pain of the marriage becomes unbearable she will continue to live in denial. Maybe counselling could help but a person needs to take responsibility for their part in the marriages. i.e ignoring red flags, not taking sufficient time between marriages.

I think it's a horrible situation for you - if your instincts tell you all isn't well then I suspect you are right but you can't force your mum to listen to your concerns. All you can do is choose to be around if/when the marriage ends.

Thanks aka and Start both really good points, don't want a big fall out as am her bridesmaid and wouldn't want to upset her. Just fed up with her being with men who see it as her role to do everything and now it seems - pay for everything too :(

It's not like she has or had ever had any money, when she left my dad, I was only 2 and she did lots of cleaning jobs and often had to take me with her.

She also seems really stressed about the wedding, affording it, it all going to plan etc and I'm so tempted to say, why didn't you just have a cheaper registry office wedding and a pub meal after then! She always tries to keep people happy.

I know it's really hard, but I don't think she will want you to be the bearer of bad tidings when she's going ahead with the wedding. The thing is, she knows what he's like and how much he pays and she still wants to marry him. Nothing you say will make any difference. Even if you are completely right, she won't want to hear it and is more likely to estrange you than him, given she's in love and can't see sense.

Ultimately, no good comes of meddling in others' relationships, especially your parents. They may do things you think are bonkers, your role is to be gently supportive, listen and support them if it goes wrong. Bit like being their parent!

Mumsy that's exactly it, she's been a fantastic Mum e.g. she left my Dad when I was tiny because he was abusive (even though it left her a single parent with nothing at 24) but I do sometimes feel like the sensible parent!