How to detatch from MIL issues

[nitrox]

Hi everyone,

Nothing major, but MIL basically is very passive aggressive to me I feel.

Luckily I don't have to see her much, but when I do, I seem to be angry/upset for days or weeks after about how odd she is.

The worst thing is, she doesn't do anything nasty as such.. just very deifnately isn't interested in me, only her son. She sends birthday and Christmas gift to me each year, the same thing. I do send gifts back, something different and imaginative (or so I think!).

She lives a 10min drive away but never comes over here, and I have made suggestions to her face about coming over, but she just smiles and kinda doesn't say anything..

My DP says there is nothing wrong, and buries his head, but in arguements he has admitted that she isn't welcoming and is off with me, but then conveniently forgets it and wonders why I get upset the next time it happens.

I'm lucky I don't have much to do with her, but it's upsetting me as I'm close to my mum but she's 2.5hr drive away, and my family are very welcoming and kind to DP. I would have liked to have got to know her, she lives alone now and thought it would have been nice for her and me to visit and go for coffee or have a chat.

Not sure what I want from this, just aknowlegement that I'm not in the wrong, or imagining it I guess...

I've pushed DP to see his mum more often that the 2hrs a week he goes round, he did go for dinner but then didnt bother again.. he's secretive about family, and wish he would talk to me so I at least knew I wasn't in the wrong, but he gets defensive.

Just want to ask her WTF her problem is sometimes, but she doesn't actually DO anything that I could raise an issue about.

Gah! Hope I don't sound like a looney!

It sounds like you want to be friends with an antisocial person which is a recipe for disappointment. She is allowed to choose not to be friends with you. It is disappointing but you can't force her to like you and want to spend time with you. It sounds like she at least makes some effort, and isn't nasty so I think you'll have to content with that I'm afraid.

Yeah, I see what you mean. I just think it's a shame and makes me feel like I've done something wrong.

Should I just pretend it doesn't bother me then? because if I'm honest it does bother me, but obviously not her.

Feel quite angry about it, I had a good relationship with exDP's mum, and just not sure why she is like this. Well, apparently the family are quite anti-social, so I guess it's just the way they are.

I'll just not bother with her from now on.

I think you have to convince yourself that her liking/disliking you doesn't matter. A lot of people don't get on with their ILs which is real shame but there's very little that can be done about it. Obviously if she ever is nasty to you then it will be up to your DP to stand up to her for you, but until then I think you should let it go as best you can.

Thanks CailinDana,

He's an only child and she was a single mother, so I guess I was never going to be her favourite person..

Oh well, like you say, got to just leave it. I'm fine after not seeing her for a while, but get this horrible feeling of rejection every time we do see her.. she ignores me best I can, DP tries to involve me in the conversation as best he can, and then I feel shite about it all.

I think DP feel crap about it too, but just won't say anything.

Thanks for the reply x

The situation might change if and when you have children - she might either become nicer or more nasty. Once you do have children it'll be important to assert your presence as there is a danger that she'll undermine you. You'll have to be very careful to send her the message that if she wants to see her GC she'll have to acknowledge your presence and go through you.

Yes, that's been a concern of mine. DP was very close to his grandparents who have now passed away, and I know he wants his mum to be the close grandparent like he had.

I have no idea what she will be like, I dread to think. I just hope she is fair to any children we may have, I'd rather she was close to them than ignoring them as that would hurt DP and children I suppose.

I've tried really hard to be friendly and welcoming, I've not spoke to her one on one, so I know I have never been pushy or anything.. just never got the chance to get to know her and any attempts I make at a normal friendly 'pop over some time' just get ignored.

I feel a bit pee'd off as my family are welcoming and chatty, feel like I've drawn the short straw really, would love DP to have had a family like mine that are friendly, but I guess it's just not going to happen.

I certainly will make it clear if she's inappropriate when I have children. I'm nearly 30 now and feel too old for all this ridiculous jealousy crap.

I think it's reasonable to be disappointed that you don't have a positive, friendly relationship with your mother-in-law (especially as you got on so well with your ex ILs), so long as you don't let it drag you down, or start thinking that things are worse than they are.

It seems that things aren't actually bad between you and your MiL, just that you and she don't have any shared interests, she doesn't particularly want to spend time with just the two of you, she doesn't feel a social pressure to build a relationship with her DiL and she isn't the sort of person who makes the effort to develop better relationships with people that she doesn't immediately click with. It's a shame, but things could be much worse.

Also, I think that you come from a family which is perhaps unusually close to each other - plenty of people would think that your DH spending 2 hours a week with his mother is excessive!

I wouldnt bother being nice to her tbh, civil yes and polite but I certainly wouldnt make an effort.

Mainly because we had a similar situation with one of our relatives and her mil and it never got better. Similar set up, single mom, close to gp etc.

It only ended when the mil passed away.

Dont take it personally though, any other woman would have got the same treatment.

She might have been hurt by your DP's father and worried about her son being hurt by you in the future. My FIL was barely civil to me but just about acknowledged me now we have dd. he didn't even come to our wedding.

Mil died when DH was quite young and FIL feels a mixture of jealousy that he is on is own and fear that I'll leave DH bringing up the kids on his own. Overall he'd rather DH had just stayed living at home and gone on golfing holidays with him!

My family are lovely and it would have been nice to be close to FIL but it isn't going to happen. I'm polite but reserved and don't get emotionally involved apart from to feel a bit sorry for him that he can't move on and be happy for his son.

Thanks for the replies everyone!

I'm just fed up with it all really, DP is a kind person and we get on in a lot of ways, but he's like his mum in other ways and it's totally off putting that he has this anti-social personality.

I'm not a party girl by any means, I am fairly happy in my own company and have a couple of close friends. I am polite, friendly and nice to people when i meet them, and I just find this quite hard to deal with.

DP is quite negative about people and MIL doesn't see anyone nowdays apart from DP, now I know why. DP has a friend, always complains about him and then meet up every few months, but that's it.

Lots of other issues surrounding all of this, but sometimes I'm wondering why I bother with either of them..

I know it all sounds a bit cryptic, just not sure what I want to say about it all or whether I'm just reading into it too much..

Just fed up.. :(

My family are close but not that close.. my sister lives abroad and my parents are split up.. I speak on the phone every few weeks to my dad, and about 3 times a week to mum.. but only visit every 3 months or so.

But I know they are there and want the best for me, and we have good times when we meet up.

DP's mum is I guess going to be family one day if the relationship lasts, and I feel that it's a sign of how things will be.. no friends around the house, no family visits, all a bit depressing really...

Nitrox, it's interesting that you are so upset about your MIL, but not about your husband, who is pretty similar! I wonder if it's easier to be annoyed at her than face some uncomfortable aspects of who you have chosen and what life would be like if you had children.

Some people are very introverted and not especially keen on children, even their own. She isn't going to change. She isn't particularly rejecting you as she has few friends and isn't even that interested in seeing her son, so I don't actually think it's anything very personal.

But, this is how it is and I do think it's bringing up other issues. The MIL one will solve itself, you won't see much of her and although there might be some sadness she's not going to adopt you as a second daughter any time soon, I don't know many people who really love the MIl's (or rather, there are some people but I'm not sure they are typical). However, your issue with your partner probably needs further examination, they don't sound like a great 'fit' for you and your more sociable family.

You are trying to turn his mother into something she doesnt want to be. some people don't have or want close relationships. Just because you married into the family doesnt mean she has to be all over you like a rash.

My MIL was the 'smothering' sort. She couldnt grasp that I wasnt her daughter and wasn't going to be some form of surrogate. Had I allowed it, I would have lost my own identity and been sucked into her family. Don't get me wrong, she was a lovely woman, but she was very matriarchal. I have no intention of making the same mistake with my (potential) DILs.