This is my first post on Mumsnet so I hope I'm doing it right...I don't know if anyone will be able to help me, but I am hoping that just getting it all down on 'paper' might help me to see things more clearly.
My parents divorced when I was very young & soon after (for reasons I have never really been sure of) I lost touch with my father (& all his family). To the very best of my knowledge there was no reason for my mum to have stopped me having contact with him, but I don't think she did anything to encourage the relationship if that makes sense? So despite living in the same town I didn?t ever see him while I was growing up. 
For as long as I can remember I have wanted to know him but I never had the nerve to get in touch. He was never mentioned at home - it was almost like he never existed at all, and I never felt able to bring it up myself so I just let it go on like that, hoping all the time that he would decide to contact me.
Years passed, I grew up, moved away and met my wonderful husband. We now have two amazing children. He is a fantastic, devoted father and I am so lucky to have him. With his love and encouragement I decided at the end of last year to try to track down my own father at last. I knew he was in his late 60s and I felt that if I didn't do something soon I might never get the chance.
I knew he hadn't left the area where I grew up and it was quite easy to find him (scary really what information you can find on the internet 
). So in February this year I wrote him a letter. All it said was that I was sorry not to have been in touch before but that I hoped he would agree it is better late than never. I said that if he would like for us to get to know one another it would mean the world to me, and then gave my contact details.
I heard nothing back & started to panic in case the letter hadn't got there or the address was wrong. I had a phone number for him but I didn't feel able to call him myself so I asked my husband to call. He asked my father if he had received the letter, which he had and was told that he had been really pleased to hear from me etc etc. I was over the moon and couldn't wait for the phone call/ letter/ email to arrive.
Well that was 4 months ago and I have heard nothing since. I know that this must mean he doesn't want to know me, but I am having such a hard time accepting the fact. In all the years I dreamed about making contact I (foolishly) never once considered the possibility that he just couldn't be bothered.
I also feel that now I have got this far I don't want to just give up. I have so many questions that I would like answers to, and I feel I have a right to know at least the basics about the paternal side of my family. I am thinking of maybe writing again - or phoning if I can muster some courage! - to ask for one meeting, after which I would leave him alone. It is on my mind the whole time and I feel I need 'closure' on the matter before I can move on.
I guess what I want to know if whether that seems reasonable to others? I don't want to harass someone who is quite clearly not interested in hearing from me, but on the other hand I don't feel able to just let things lie. If he is not interested in knowing me then I think I at least deserve to be told that - it is the total silence that I can't deal with. So.... should I phone? Write? Turn up on his doorstep..??? 
Sorry this is such a long and rambling post -thanks for reading!