How can I make my relationship survive?

[Yogamummy1]

I want to improve my relationship but I dont know how.

I can't fault my partner - he is a good man, father and partner, but the spark has well and truly gone. We make a resonably good partnership in most ways, but we have no sex life and I find it hard to even be physically close to him (i.e. kisses and cuddles). He has been great about it, by not pushing me or mentioning it. (perhaps part of the problem?).

We dont do much together without the kids and by bed time we are just so tired, and the kids are up any time from 5.30 am. There has been a fair bit of strain on us because he has been out of work for a year (he has a job now tho) but its been tough - in terms of money and him being fed up with not having a job, and me having to return from maternity leave sooner than I wanted. But I also worry that maybe we settled down together for the wrong reasons, e.g. biological clock ticking and wanted to meet a good reliable man that I could trust to be a good partner and father and he was a willing participant. (Most other guys I dated previously gave the impression that they were anti commitment, anti kids, anti settling down, so when he came along and was keen to persue a proper grown up relationship with me I jumepd at the chance, etc)

My judgement is clouded by everything else going on (stress of family/ kids/ work/ and all new routines and nursery) and I guess I dont know the reasons why I dont want to have sex with him or cringe a bit when he wants to cuddle or kiss me.

I have a few friends who have felt the same about their partners after having a baby, but now my youngest is 13 months, I wonder how long this can go on for - will we ever get over it, or is this the beginning of the end? Have others felt like this and managed to get their love life back?

Hi. I found that I felt a lot more attracted to H when he was caring and supportive of me. If he had given me a cuddle or a kiss throughout the day and taken time to talk to me or seem interested in spending time with me, I felt a lot more inclined to be physically close to him.

I think it helps to show you that you are still attractive, even if it isn't going to 'lead to anything else', so perhaps the fact that he is accepting your rejection and giving you space is making you feel even less attracted to him? Bit of a vicious circle!

It sounds like your H is already being supportive and loving so I don't know what to suggest really. It does take time to get back into feeling like yourself after babies - have you been BFing youngest? I found that always made me feel odd about sex.

If there wasn't much of a spark in the first place and you picked him for being solid and reliable, I think it's unrealistic to expect fireworks now. However, you can both make more of an effort to reorganise life so that you can be more intimate, less serious, more playful, less stressed. That's going to mean engineering a conversation where you are both honest about how you feel and you both commit to behaving more like lovers than flatmates.

How did you feel towards him before you had children? Was there a spark then?

yes there was a really strong spark to start with - he swept me off my feet and treated me like a princess, and we were very lovey dovey -and back then I didnt think i was 'making do', I thought I had struck gold.

I guess now I am doubting things, that thought has popped into my head because others had suggested this early in our relationship - (you know, the 'I told you so's')

And yes still bf youngest - although down to just one feed a day now.

Perhaps once your body is 'yours' again you'll feel differently about H? If you had a spark once I'm sure you can regain it with a bit of effort from both of you. I wish you all the best with it - its not easy, but if you've got the best of both worlds with him (solid, dependable AND the potential for a spark) do all you can to preserve your relationship as you're a lucky lady!

thank you for your comments people - and doingitformyself - that last comment just gave me a real boost - You are right I am lucky and I guess I need to look into what making it work means in terms of actions and steps.