Singles - Let's talk about sex...

[HenriettaCanary]

Hi, a few comments have been made on here regarding sex as a single: when you start dating someone, do you get straight in there? Are there Rules? If you hold out, are you more likely to find a meaningful relationship? Do you want a meaningful relationship, or are you just looking for sexual satisfaction from a FWB arrangement?

These are my personal thoughts (about me - I want to stress not as any sort of moral right or wrong):

I have massive inner turmoils about this. I'm very shy sexually anyway, but I do have a sex drive. So it's always been a bit of a highly charged issue for me, within and without relationships. I had come to the conclusion that I wanted to meet someone special, and that the only way I personally would feel comfortable was to get to know someone and feel secure first. I think I also felt that I wouldn't want to have sex with someone unless I was sure I was the only sexual partner they currently had.

But sometimes I'm not so sure. I have enjoyed FWB arrangements in the past, where no questions are asked regarding other partners, but there is respect for each other in other ways - and regular sex! But I never necessarily set out for it to be a FWB, it just happened that way. Now I am older I think, how? You can't just meet someone and say: "hey, fancy regular sex but no commitment?"

Someone on another thread said, you just have sex if it feels right, and there's no real way of knowing what the other person will want after that. I see the truth in that, but my feelings are never that simple.

Also, I seem to be alone here but I want to protect myself from STIs, and yes I'll use condoms but there are STIs that condoms will do little about. Am I the only person that wants to ask partners, when did you last get checked out?

I'm interested to hear other people's viewpoints, not thinking that I will find answers as such, but because I think it helps to get a broad perspective, see how different people with different values and personal boundaries tick.
And also if anyone else has concerns they can post here and get some advice.

fab thread.
Ive been single for 3.5 years. I understand your inner turmoil.
I am a very sexual person, and am in my early 30's. I have a very high sex drive.
And have havent met anyone to be in a relationship with, despite a ton of dating.
Ive swung between the ' wanting to be in a relationship before i have sex' mindset, because i do truely believe sex is better when it means something and when you get to know someone, plus along with knowing someone comes trust and can lead to all kinds of fun, experimental stuff that you cant try with a one night stand. BUT - usually at about the 9 months of celibacy mark, with maybe not so much as a hug, i flip the other way and decide casual sex is the way to go and i just dont care. because i need to get laid. And repeat this pattern for 3 years.....
Casual sex has not given me my best ever sexual encounters, but it has scratched an itch as it were. Ive had some fun times, and enjoyed it. The last time i did it, i decided that i had had enough, and wanted something more meaningful, and so, stopped it.

Condoms are obviously non negociable, as is feeling safe, and comftable with that person. I always had sex at mine, where i knew where i was, never let them stay the night.Only did what i felt ok doing , and went for my own orgasm above theirs. I stayed in control.

i think the main issue is we are kind of taught that casual sex is wrong and people do judge. I dont think it is wrong, not at all. Women are not asexual creatures, and have every right to enjoy their own bodies and share them with others for enjoyment as they see fit. it is ok for women to have sex drives outside of marriage/ long term relationships. It doesnt mean they are ' sluts' or have self estem issues, just that they are human.

I completely relate to the swing you describe - funny how physical needs can so completely overrule everything else!

I agree that there is an element of shame attributed to casual sex, and I like your argument that we are just human. But sometimes I feel that I have a "higher" part of me that feels cheapens. Do I feel that way because it's true - or because I have been conditioned to feel that way?

Sorry to harp on about safe sex, but do you feel that using condoms is enough? Does it ever concern you that something might get passed on (eg herpes, lice) anyway? Do you ask any questions regarding sexual health? Do you check out his bits carefully first?

cheapened not cheapens

this is only me personnaly, but no, i dont feel cheapened at all. There is a mile of difference between somoene who sleeps with somone because they want more from that person, or what them to like them, or what a relationship, or are only doing it becuase they feel they have to. to someone whos doing in on their own terms, because they want to.

casual sex is never going to be emotionally fulfilling, you dont really have any connection to that person, other than sexual. i wouldnt even attempt to get my emotional needs met though casual sex and i would think that anyone that is attempting to do so is very misguided.

I think if you have huge concerns about sexual health, then you dont do it. A conversation has taken place maybe 80% of the times. if ive seen somones penis and not liked the look of it ive stopped it there and then. ( not that ive had a ton of casual sex, maybe about 7/ 8 or so over a few years)

i do think in regards to the ' shame' its to do with society and the view that women who enjpy sex are wrong, yet men who do they same are some kind of studs. Sex ed and when growing up the image that is sold is very much ' you only have sex with somone you love' while that is true, i think it sells a very one sided view. Imagine if you never found somone you wanted to have as a partner, does that mean you should remain a virgin for all of your days? its a ridiclous concept, bodies are amazing, the intimacy and senstations and fun and pleasure that can come out of sex is fab, why would you miss out of it for some strangely held belief?

Again - i do believe sex is better with a long term partner, but jus that the idea you should miss out entirely if you dont have one is wrong.