is it, am I or is he?? Abusive relationship???

[bb99]

Party this weekend.

Asked H to look over shopping list (sandwiches and stuff) incase there wasn't anything he liked (he has real ishoos with food and wanted a BBQ for this weekend - BBQ for 40 in the rain?? - and is annoyed that we are now spending money on food he doesn't like)

H sits at computer next to me, gets out phone, starts txting, (Carry on, I am listenning)

Rolly eyes and huffs and puffs start, plus atmosphere, as 'rolls' are seen at top of list (Why you trying to impress people we don't need to impress...our friends...just get bread)

Showed other ideas for making easy weekend. I am starting to feel crushed (stoopid I know - crushed over sandwich fillings FFS!) We are supposed to be working on our relationship so told him I didn't feel he was being supportive - just wanted to get some nice food for the party.

Mr Shouty enter stage left...told, in no uncertain terms just how supportive he is, esp as I do stupid things like painting - he hasn't said a WORD about that and been v. v. supportive about it even tho it was stopid, before the party this weekend.

I am trying to walk away (not always successfully and here's the tricky bit for me, as I am prone to argue back and be spiteful too...so I think, maybe, I am just as bad and maybe, I am an abusive person too )

He has always had a short and firey temper and always been shouty - often had me in tears even in the early days. He has moved on to name calling a LOT and recently latched onto the B word as he found out I really HATE it (used to use whore and selfish, but they don't bother me so much)

Has been physically intimidating, but only shoving me with his body IYSWIM, and stopping me from leaving the house a few times when DC2 was a baby, and the odd body barge and finger in the face shouty person.

I do shout back (tho less frequently now, as I want this to stop/change)

He has physically gone for me before and once tried to choke me with his arm. Really thought he was going to break me that time - DC2 was old enough to pop on the floor as H dragged me across the room I was leaving, in order to do what he wanted me to do, which was go to my parents for the weekend and leave him the house. Didn't want to drive 70+ miles on motorway with no sleep (DC2 was teething mercilessly!) so was still at home when he got back from work and he went megga nuts...as I hadn't called him to let him know me and the kids would be in his house - anyone would think we were lodgers... Got the dcs to go out of the house, told them to goto neighbour/friend, but dc1 was so embarressed they walked the block and called police. All over by time the bussies got there - I am no shrinking violet and fought back and got away - went to look for kids and neighbours thought that was why police were there.

This was the first time he took responsibility for his actions, but only because I made him. And now he holds this against me, how I made him 'grovel' in order to stay in the relationship...

I see - well then, it's even less you if your previous ex was a womanising alcoholic. It's hard to work out how that can have been your fault!

That thing where they blow up and are then ever so nice afterwards, it's a recognised control technique, called "hoovering". It worked on me for over 20 years...

Leave him.

Starting over will be nothing like living on tenterhooks for the rest of your life wondering when or what will set him off.

Get legal advice, start putting together a leaving fund.

Imagine life where you can buy whatever kind of rolls you want, where nobody is groping you and calling you names. Where you can do your painting in peace...

The one thing I remember about being with ex, his behaviour towards me was turning me into the kind of person I didn't like very much. However my behaviour was in response to his, a kind of self defense mechanism. If I'd have let him stand over me and kick my head in it would not have benefitted anyone.

Annie - looks like an interesting website, will have more of a look.

Feel a bit sucked up (hoovered) - good term.

Fuzzy - I am imagining that life, that's part of the problem nd I am morphing into less of a person than I was before. Another reason to change things.

Did think about couples counselling, we have looked into it before, just so he doesn't completely go bonkers and to check that all is lost.

Plus - what the heck do you say when you call women's aid?? I'm not being bounced off the ceiling and it could be a LOT worse - maybe I am just being unreasonable n my expectations of what a relationship is??? (I know - round and round until I choose to jump off)

Got school run

Ttfn. xx

what the heck do you say when you call women's aid?

You say what you have told us here.
You are exactly the kind of caller the service was designed for.

Women's Aid get emotional abuse, they really do. They know you can be hurt without suffering any physical damage.

And couples counselling is not advisable in situations of abuse. The abusive person can get angry with you for revealing secrets and/or will deny/minimize everything and/or find sneakier ways to abuse in future. Personal counselling, on the other hand, is a great idea and can give you a lot of clarity about your situation and what you can do about it.

bb99 don't go to Couples counselling it will just give him more ammunition it doesnt work with abusers. Maybe go yourself to work out why you accept such vile treatment from him.

Come over to the Support Thread for EA relationships and read some links. It will all make sense when you understand the dynamics. here!

It sounds like the latest episode of him being verbally abusive (please don't down play it with amusing Mr Shouty) is the straw that broke the camels back.

He has physically gone for me before and once tried to choke me with his arm. Really thought he was going to break me that time Seriously! Your children could have been saying goodbye to you as they buried you or visiting you once a month in a special hospice for brain damage!

If he was nasty all the time you would leave without hesitation right? That is how this works a little nasty, a little nice to make you think things are better. Repeat over and over as long as you stay with the little nasties getting worse and the little nices (spelling?) getting shorter and less.

Why would he change? You have stayed with him all the time he has done it before.

The only one who can break this vicious cycle is you. It doesn't have to be permanent. If he is serious about change there is all sorts he can to do make it happen. Only he can change himself and only you can have the strength to say enough and walk away unless the changes are proven.

Good luck.

He is not even sorry about the incident when the police were called. He even uses that as a stick to beat you with.

There is no hope for your relationship at all.

Why oh why are you still with this nasty man? Please go, your children will be much better off out of a fiery atmosphere, with a mother who is relaxed and happy.

Please. Get. Out.

Please leave!!! It will only get worse, these men do not and will not change.
He is abusing you, taunting you and you are the mother to his children.
Its not the bbq that is bothering you is it?, it is the rest of the crap he is dishing up for you?!
My mum has been in this situation, her husband started off pushing her about and swearing, then punching and then finally monthly stranglings where the police became involved-i was living there at the time and its lucky i was as my dh saved her life but she still continued to allow him in the house until one day he beat the shit out of her , choked her and then he called the police to come for him "before i kill her"- that was it she broke free from then onwards, thankgod!
All he got was community service for attempting to kill my mother, dont let this be you op, phone womens aid as soon as he is out of the house!!!
Please don't downplay his behaviour, he sounds like a loose cannon.
You have children get them and yourself safe

You might want to join us over here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1488894-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-Number-9?pg=21
Been there; been called all the most revolting names in the book; been pushed and pulled about (you can get bruises from other things than punching); been strangled and spat at.
And wondered whether it might be my fault
But there are some strong women on the thread who it is great to talk to.

Just so you know, he is abusive. You are not.

You are not abusive.

I'd urge you to call Women's Aid and discuss your options. Staying in this relationship will be terribly damaging, possibly even lethal.

What they all said. Its not you, its him. He's abusive. You can't have counselling with an abusive partner. You need to leave him asap before he destroys you, mind, body & soul.

Good luck. I don't have any experience of women's aid but please listen to those who do. This cannot be allowed to carry on. You deserve better and so do your poor DCs. Watching you accept this treatment is sending them some very damaging messages. xxx

Your children are growing up in an abusive home, to the extent that they - as kids - had to go and get the police. What sort of a life is that? They will look back and say you were just as bad as their dad as you saw how he was acting and that they were always upset by him & scared of him, yet you just let it happen. This is a 100% lose lose situation however you look at it if you stay, and if you stay it will definitely get worse. The man has no redeeming features and he treats you and your children like sh&t and I really hope you leave...your kids will really respect you for being strong enough to leave. Ultimately I think your kids are going to have their lives ruined if you stay. I'm sorry he is treating you so badly and that's horrible but you have a duty of care to your little ones - in a teacher/lecturer and I've seen way too many times what happens to kids who have to live in bad homes. You'd do a great job raising them on your own.

Your children may appear to love him but that's because he's unpredictable and inconsistent, their bond with him won't be healthy because it has elements of fear and uncertainty. He is extremely unlikely to change and while you are waiting you and your dc are being damaged by living in an environment where you are all walking on eggshells. Please do call Women's Aid and start planning a better, safer life for you and dc.

you're right op I don't think there is a chance either...except for the chance (certainty) that his behaviour will get worse, not better.

Make plans and don't stay for the children. This is NOT good for them, not for now, not for their future happiness, and certainly no way to model relationships for them.

Make your plans, get information, stay safe (especially on-line...) play your cards close to your chest, and get out or preferably get him out depending on safety issues.

If he protests (as a last resort) that he wants to change he can demonstrate that just as well apart from you and you can evaluate the longevity of his reformation...my NSDH couldn't manage 2 days.

And don't go to joint counselling

Sorry for not posting recently.

Have been a bit busy and couldn't get to the computer.

Will move over to the support thread.

Thank you for all the advice and support.