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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A friend and her relationship and potentially a baby

10 replies

Glitterkitten · 21/06/2012 21:52

I have a friend who is ttc her first child

She is a professional, owns her own home, early thirties...

She and her partner have a raging cannabis problem and smoke every night and most mornings before work. Her partner also drinks to excess most nights- I've never liked him.

On occasion there is violence in thier relationship, on both parts, followed by soul searching, "ultimatums" and then inevitably reconciliation

My friend speaks often of how she wants and needs to sort out her lifestyle. Her partner doesn't have the same motivation and just wants to continue his current one.

All the above, yet they are ttc. I have no doubt my friend would be a wonderful mother. She works in a caring profession and is a mother figure to many other friends/ family members of hers and is excellent with friends children. She is a smart girl drowning in a toxic relationship. Her partner cannot support her desire to better herself. He kicked off at her when she was prescribed antidepressants at a time she clearly suffered depression. She puts so much in to the relationship and gets little out.

I am on the cusp of telling her once and for all to walk away pronto, before a poor child is born into this. Problem is I've hinted this before and she had separated from him for a while but always go back.

I don't know what, if anything, I should do.

I don't think there is a easy answer. Any words of advice?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 21/06/2012 22:04

I would have to say something or stop the friendship. I couldn't continue with any kind of friendship when there was so much going on.

Glitterkitten · 21/06/2012 22:07

I'm definitely going to have to say something. I just need to push through my comfort barriers in order to have that chat. I don't want to risk pushing her away when I feel that she needs my support most. I just can't support what she's doing. She such a smart girl who is completely dragged down by her relationship.

Sad
OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 21/06/2012 22:10

You could tell her that heavy drinking and cannabis use in men is suspected of causing an increased risk of foetal abnormalities.

Glitterkitten · 21/06/2012 22:14

That's certainly worth a mention. Im hoping against hope it will have affected him enough that his swimmers won't swim. I don't even know why I posted here. I think I'm just looking for a kick up the bum to speak my (concerned) honest mind.

OP posts:
Glitterkitten · 21/06/2012 22:16

Actually perhaps it is more a "wwyd?" and "how would you do it" type question...

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 21/06/2012 22:27

How do people at work not know? If she's smoking before work, surely they'd pick up on the smell?

ImperialBlether · 21/06/2012 22:27

Do you have children? Do you have free time?

Could you take her away for the weekend as a treat and talk to her about it there?

Glitterkitten · 21/06/2012 22:33

People at work do know. I don't know how she gets away with it other than I know she busts a gut at work and goes above an beyond in a stressful job which revolves around assisting people in bad situations.

Oh the irony

I have a dc and a weekend away although lovely isn't an option. I've just spoken to her to try and arrange a get together. I've got to say something. I think there comes a point when true friendship is tested. You either don't say anything and watch the fall out or you say something and hopefully make a difference

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 21/06/2012 22:38

You're right. That is the test of true friendship, to tackle an incredibly difficult situation, to save her from herself, really and then to stand side by side to help her make things right.

Glitterkitten · 21/06/2012 23:39

This thread has outed me in r/l! Receiving advice from a brilliant friend of mine who also knows the situation. Meeting set up with friend OP refers to. I'm going to have "the chat". Thanks for the responses.

OP posts:
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