Hi all,
I have been lurking for so long, not really knowing why, reading your stories, thinking about my life.
I don't know whether my relationship is over or not. Two Xmass ago, my dh and I had a horrible fight, which resulted in him violating me. I'd rather not say what happened, but it was in front of the children, and it was as a result of me pushing him. I shouldn't have been pushing him in the first place. What he did to me was horrible. It wasn't rape, but it was contact that was a violation of me, and done out of anger because of the way I was speaking to him. The kids btw were in the room and watching tv, I'm pretty sure they didn't see what happened.
I threw him out. The argument was so loud that a neighbor from a flat underneath came to see if everything was ok. The children and I slept together that night. The next day after several phone calls with him threatening to kill himself it was ME who begged him to come home.
He has acknowledged his wrong doing. I am really positive that he won't do something like this again. Fast forward 2 years. It's like time is making the memory more bitter, rather than better. I am a strong woman. I have been a housewife for 10 years (I'm 36). I have started making a life for myself outwith the family unit, doing voluntary work, which has resulted in a few job offers. So despite what has happened, I have become stronger in myself.
We have moved on from what happened. And he tries so so hard to be the best that he can be, for me and the kids. The problem is that he is so so so moody. He is the sort of person, in the heat of the argument, that will find blame in the other person, no matter who was the cause of the argument. It is inherent in him. Before the incident, I was ok to let it lie for a few days and once he had calmed down, give it to him full barrel. As time has gone on, I feel less and less able to do that. I am downright mean and nasty when he throws a strop, and it is making life very difficult. In the heat of the moment, he can't see the other persons viewpoint.
Worst of all, I can't face him touching me. It was ok up until very recently. Why is it, 2 years after the incident, that it is all I can think about when he wants to be intimate? It hasn't been a problem until now.
I am on anti depressants for a genetic depressive disorder, and have been for about the same amount of time since this started. I WANT to get past this. I do feel affection for him. The problem is that what he did has killed my true LOVE for him. I feel apathy towards him, and I don't want to. I'm not frightened of being alone. BUT I don't want my children to be without their dad. Despite this one horrific incident, they are lively, happy, and well adjusted children. The idea of splitting the family up is unbearable, but we just can't go on like this.
Any advice will be well appreciated
x