Has your DH ever lied to you... for the 'right' reason?

[AmIAnIdiot]

Have namechanged for this. Sorry it's long but don't want to drip feed.

Background to this: am happily married for 5 years, currently pregnant (3rd trim), BP has been mental to point of nearly medicating, also had unexplained bleeds early on.

Last week my DH had to go away overnight with work. Won't say city where he was going but let's say it was Manchester. He was reluctant to give me hotel name and number (strange) but I insisted so he texted it for me to ring.

Anyway, long story short he wasn't staying in Manchester he was staying in Liverpool. He tried to blag it at first ('No, no staying here to go to Manchester tomorrow') but I told him I didn't believe him and that he was lying. I could hear it as his voice was shaking with nerves. I felt totally sick because I immediately thought who is he meeting? I mean why else would he lie about being in a hotel in a different city? He is the most honest guy alive - probably why his voice was shaking because he is a bloody awful liar.

So he admits he is in Manchester because (for various reasons) he had to sort something for our personal finances (huge loan needed paid back or extended). He was v, v apologetic but said he hadn't wanted to worry me because my BP had been so high and he didn't want me worrying about money because actually he was going to pay the loan back (he had sold shares). I was furious about him lying and said didn't you think I would be far more worried about my husband lying about where he is, rather than a bloody loan.

The thing is I believe him. He came back the next day looking sick and sad, said it was totally stupid to have lied, he could see how it would look but he was trying to protect me. He has promised he will never lie again even to 'protect' me and I do believe he was alone in hotel and there for reason he admitted to. But have probably read too much MN about cheating men etc so I wondered - has your DH / DP ever lied to you about something like this and it has been totally innocent. He really is a good guy which is why I was so at him lying.

It does sound true somehow. Does he work for the Government?

No, My ex lied for all the 'wrong' reasons.
Lying for the 'wrong' reasons involves swearing on the lives of the entire family that they are not lying
Looking you in the eyes with a hurt expression and/or going off on one for suggesting that what they are saying is not god's own word.
Keeping on with the lies in the face of any and every proof to the contrary
I could go on, and there was a thread a while back about liars.
I am happy to say that your husband doesn't tick one single box on the list :)
You can also be happy that he does not seem to have a future as a liar and is unlikely to give up the day job as a good guy.
The finances will be all the easier to sort out now they are out in the open
All the best with new baby.

Thanks! Was worried I was being a complete idiot - see name change - but I do believe him. Was just so and at the time, was shaking actually!

No doesn't work for gov.

Thanks! x

Yes- my DH has lied over some work & financial stuff & also a situation with his side of the family (don't really want to go into too much detail). Most of it happened when I was pregnant and, like you, had bleeds & then developed pre-eclampsia & spent 6 weeks in hospital before DD was born. He said he didn't want to stress me out, much like what your DH has given as a reason. I get why he did it but it meant I was super-freaked when I did find out and I also felt bad that he'd not let me support him when he probably needed someone to lean on. We now have a 'complete honesty'' policy but I'm a little wary over trusting him on the family situation until it's been resolved (it's to do with a property & one of his siblings draining our resources . . . )

Keep talking to each other & make clear how you feel.

Good luck for the arrival of your little one.

I had high bp while I was pregnant. Towards the end of my pregnancy DP got a written warning at work. It was for something quite daft (he admits he was in the wrong) and he knew he wouldn't get sacked for it, but he also knew I would worry. He didn't really lie, but didn't tell me about it until it was all concluded. I was a bit annoyed but at the same time understood his reasons.

He is a very honest person. He's messed up since & told me about it straight away so I'm willing to let a white lie slide.

Sorry, should make clear that he didn't tell me about some of the stuff and then lied when asked about other things as in a reassuring "yes, X has been paid, Y has been resolved". . . I've made the poor bloke sound like a compulsive liar, which he's not as I luff him!

Funnily enough the one thing I am paranoid about is finances. I would hate with a passion another person deciding joint finances and not goong through the options with me.

Stems from having to bail my mum out with a boyfriend! She still has not learned.

Why would him paying off a loan stress you?

Yes, my DH has lied to me as in not told me something until he really had too but he did it for the right reasons to protect me. I felt bad that he felt he needed too.

Xales think it was more that the loan was running out - it was huge and supposed to be short term bridging loan but for various reasons was turning longer term. Awful as it sounds I had completely forgotten it, was thinking it was a long term loan. I think he didn't say because he was looking at extending it, then when he had the meeting with finance people it was so expensive he decided to clear it. He probably thought I would freak that it was being 'called in'. Ironically I would have immediately started looking at what to do in that situation and was more petrified at complete shock idea of him having an affair / meeting a hooker or ex etc etc!

We did have a good honest chat afterwards and realised that we are both probably too financially independent - married quite late so used to managing our own individual affairs. So we are going for total transparency from here on in financially. I always was totally transparent, but DH hasn't been, probably because he seems to have various bits squirrelled away. We're both earning good salaries so I've never needed to know what he has if that makes sense.

Thanks for all your stories / feedback :)

Only once when I asked how whether my friend had had her baby yet as we had parallel pregnancies and he said she hadn't. She had, but the baby died during labour - I was in the early stages of labour myself with my first and he didn't want me to know .

I don't understand why he would lie about being in a different city - would it have made a difference if he said he was going to Manchester rather than Liverpool?

I understand he lied about the REASON for going away but not why he said a different city....

Kerala that is very sad :( I think your DH did totally the right thing there!

MAHC - the issue was I knew he had a meeting in Manchester (it wasn't but just example!)that was for work but didn't know about the financial meeting which had to be in Liverpool (again wasn't Liverpool, just using these as examples!). He knew I would have been asking why Liverpool? I guess he didn't plan it very far in advance so had already told me about Manchester and then didn't want to change it. Plus didn't seem to realise the hotel would actually announce hotel name and location when they answered phone

My one consolation is that for such an intelligent man he is a complete dumbass at lying... In fact I told him if he ever wanted to have an affair to let me know and I would organise it for him... :)

Am bumping this because I've had another attack of paranoia :(

No particular reason for it, other than reading various threads where various MNers have had a 'gut instinct' about something and it has turned out to be an affair.

It's worrying me :(

I'm worried I 'forgave' him for the lie far too soon and that it has sent the wrong message. After him grovelling for an hour or so and talking honestly we went home and everything went back to normal.

Am wondering if I let things go back to normal too quickly :( Maybe I just need to stop reading threads about cheating bastards because it is making me paranoid. We still haven't sorted out the financial stuff (ie being totally transparent, putting everything together) although mainly because we've been busy.

Nope. He's never lied to me about which city he's been in whilst away. I'd be if he did and even more if he tried to withhold hotel details. Knowing I was heavily pregnant and sick.

He jas never lied to me about finances. I've been where you are btw, really sick and there's been a crisis of some sort. I was in hospital pregnant for three months. He didn't lie.

Personally, if it were my dh. I'd be as it would be out of character. Only you know if it's true for yours.

I should bloody well hope Presumably, the OP's H had his mobile with him and turned on for emergencies, so had not gone AWOL?

AmI you need to talk to your H.
Lies are toxic, which is why you feel as you do.
You are also pregnant and need his total support, which is also why you feel as you do.
Make sure he understands this.
and also that he has a crap future as a liar

My thoughts to this start with the financial aspect. How it seems to come across when reading your thread is that you have no idea about what the financial state of your relationship is and are fine about this. It seems that DH was either paying a big loan off or extending a loan ??? Whaoo, there! Big world of difference between the two, especially when about to have financial commitment of a child. But strangely you seem to accept this possibility as fine and unconcerned? I also wonder in this day and age why anyone would need to go to a particular town to pay anything - internet? phone? post even?
I'm not saying he's lying necessarily, at best you really don't communicate it seems about really vital stuff if gong to share a life with a child. I just don't get the whole thing ??

Agree with Open finances need to be out in the open.

Sorry OP, had not quite read the financial explanation. Seems a bit more plausible now with the bridging loan. I can see how reading threads can make a person paranoid and I remember how pregnancy hormones can make you see things differently. As you still have doubts, is he able to corroborate what he say with paperwork? Legal document facts can only help

.. also I am guessing in reality that said cities are further apart than Liverpool and Manchester because you would not need to change hotel from one to the other - they are but a short commute

My DH didn't lie exactly but kept the fact that he'd found a lump in his testicle quiet. He had to wait over a bank holiday weekend then go to the docs the following week where it turned out to be ok thankfully. He told me once he knew it was ok.

He hadn't told me at the time as he didn't see why two of us should worry and we has biggish plans for that bank holiday. I think I also had something else on my mind but can't remember what as it was years ago.

To be honest I was upset that he hadn't told me as I'd have wanted to be there to support him. I very much view us as a team and on this occasion I left like I hadn't been there. I told him I understood why he had done it but I'd rather have gone through it with him and supported him.

Thanks for replies. I do appreciate them, got a bit crazy last night and may well be partly hormones and being tired.

I think just reading some of the affair threads really makes me start to question human nature! Some of the unbelievable lies that go on make me so angry.

Arthritic you are totally right about the 'toxic' lies. It's like a bubble has burst and I now know my husband can lie to me and I never thought he would do that before. It makes me feel vulnerable and paranoid, especially since I'm so pregnant and will be off work for a long time.

Open yes the cities were further apart, in fact to be plain about it there was a border between them which was why financial stuff had to be signed in one city / country when his meeting was in a totally different city. I have told him we need to sit down next week with all financial paperwork and I think asking for loan stuff is a really good idea. Only thing is I don't know if he has any evidence of paying it back and if he hasn't I am going to be totally paranoid even if he's telling the truth. I don't even know if it's the kind of thing they give you a receipt for

Trio I am really glad your husband was okay! Can see he was protecting you and understand why it made you sad - they really can be quite heroic guys in a very quiet way. I was the exactly the same with DH - I told him we were a team and I didn't want him carrying stuff himself. When we chatted he also 'confessed' that he had been really worrying about me (healthwise) and the baby's arrival and how everyone keeps telling him he won't get any sleep, won't be able to work long hours or work his extra job and he just feels so responsible, especially knowing we had the loan :( The thing is we definitely can afford my maternity leave because of some additional money I got but that is quite recent and I think he has been fretting away for weeks but trying to hide it from me. He's a real bottler upper, like a lot of men are. It made me feel so sad he was trying to shoulder everything alone - and guilty. I've been a bit of a child when it comes to the money side of stuff, just letting him sort it all.

One bit of light relief: while he was in 'confessional mode' he also told me that a girl I thought he had a fling with before we met had just been a friend! For various reasons I just assumed they had been together and used to tease him about it, he said he kindof went along with it because I was finding it funny but that he always felt bad because he knew they had only ever been friends and he felt bad whenever I teased him about it. I did laugh when he confessed this as it was such a silly thing but had obviously been on his conscience!

God I do love him and he is a really good guy. Have to stop reading stuff about bad people. I don't think he's one of them.

Thanks to you all x

Yes my dh lied to me very unconvincingly because he thought the truth sounded far too dodgy. But I trust him and believed him when he told me the dodgy truth and had a go at him for lying. Not all men are bastards you know

Glad you're feeling a bit happier now. The thing with here is that people come to moan about their other halves as it is so much easier to do on an Internet forum anonymously. I have been shocked at the behaviour I've heard about on here, doesn't mean it's that common in real life though.

Good Luck.