My family and DH, visiting us etc..

[EMS23]

I'll try to keep it short without drip feeding..

My DH prefers not to see my family much. He's not massively into family and doesn't see his own a great deal. His parents are very hands off, not in to their grand kids etc... Although they all love each other.

My family are the polar opposite, live in each others pocket, no subject off topics, spend a lot of time together, holiday together etc.

My DH & I moved 200 miles from my family 3 years ago to be near his DS. Since then we've had a DD of our own and have another on the way, due Sept. my parents come to stay every so often (every 3 months on average) & my DH hates it. He finds it claustrophobic and stressful as they come for 2-3 days and want to spend 24/7 together. Which is fine by me but he hates it, hence why they don't come that often. I tend to go to them about once a month, with my DD.

When I had my DD, I had PND, due in part I believe to lack of support. I would've loved to have my mum on hand and she would've loved to be here. With the new baby coming my parents started talking about buying a second home nearby to where I now live.
My DH went mad at me, saying it would be the worst thing etc... So I asked my parents not to buy and told them why.

It all went quiet for a couple of months but now we've reorganised our bedrooms in advance of the baby coming, we no longer have a spare room so it's started it all up again with my parents saying they want to rent somewhere now for 6 months.

My parents aren't short of money but when I asked them to just use a hotel when they come my Dad said that's a ridiculous waste of money and they will rent somewhere for 6 months.

I've just had to tell my mum, again, to please not do this as it will risk my marriage. Of course, then ensued a long and tearful conversation about my PND and how she just wants to help etc...

I feel so stuck in the middle. On the one hand, I do see it from my DH's POV but on the other hand, I'd love to have my mum on hand to help and not have the stress of them staying in my house.
I actually think it wouldn't be so bad as they would have their own space and their visits would feel less intrusive but my DH just can't get his head round it.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like everyone is upset with me - my DH upset with me for me having parents he doesn't want around. And my parents upset with me for allowing my DH to control things like this, as I'm sure that's how they see it.

But what can I do? He's my husband, surely I have to stick up for him first and foremost and protect my marriage?

Sorry, that's really long.

He sounds controlling, I'm with your parents here...this is not all about him!

I think your DH does need to compromise here a bit and I say that as someone who can't breathe at the thought of family around 24/7 so I do understand the claustrophobia thing he has. After all you have made a huge compromise by moving so far so that he can be close to his DS. How sure are you that the 6 month flat rental plan is just for 6 months so that your parents can be around to support you when the new baby is tiny? Is your DH suspicious that it is the thin end of the wedge and they will end up being there permanently?

I would clarify that with your parents and then really hammer the point with your DH that it would be really helpful for you to have your parents around and it could possibly reduce the risk of more PND and it would be far less clasustrophobic for your parents to have their own base rather than be staying in your house, i.e. they could spend the day with you while he was at work and then not be under your feet in the evening, etc.

So - you had PND last time and your DH is not willing to put up with your parents being around this time, even though there is no one else for you, because he doesn't like it?

You moved 200 miles away from a loving family for him (so he could be near his DS) and he's 'hates' accommodating your family for short periods, even though it gives you comfort and support?

I'm sorry, I think Tennis has it right. You've married a controlling man. He has separated you from your support network and he's making sure it will stay that way. You sound scared to voice your own opinion and unable to stand up for yourself.

It makes absolute sense for your parents to rent nearby for 6 months. Your DH doesn't have to be around at the same time (doesn't he work?) and you can go and see them. If you were my daughter I'd be desperately worried about you. Your DH only seems to be concerned about himself.

your parents can buy a holiday home wherever they like - your dh cannot stop them . your dh is being ridiculous.
and quite possibly trying to keep you isolated.
and it will mean they can be near you but not stayin in your home which should suit your dh.

I have to confess i see your DH's POV. I deliberately live as far away from my family as I can get and, while I get on with them on an individual basis, anything more than a couple of hours in their company sends me into a spin of anxiety. I love my ILs. I see them frequently. But when our water pipes burst and we were forced to stay with them I was climbing the wall after 2 nights.

Your parents are, in a way right. It's not all about him. But it's not all about them either. For someone like me and your DH, coming home after a day at work, wanting to bond with my family and new child, the constant presence of the In Laws would make it feel my home was not my own. I know I wouldn't be able to relax and all those precious early months would be tainted with the constant hovering presence of the ILs.

Obviously a compromise will have to be made here. Perhaps you could put a curfew on the ILs visits i.e. they agree to leave around the time DH is due home from work. You would also need to discuss how the weekends would work, perhaps one weekend afternoon, maybe Sunday lunch, instead of 2 solid days? that way you get the support you need, the Grandparents get to bond with their new grandchild, and he gets to come home to a happy family without feeling his every move is being watched.

You have made a lot of sacrifices for him and it's about time he made some for you.You told your Mum that you felt your marriage is at risk if she rents somewhere close for six months, that sounds very drastic, has your Husband said it's them or me for you to say such a thing? I'm with your Parents on this and fully understand their concern, your Husband sounds controlling and resentful.When is the last time you had quality time with your family?

He sounds like rather a shit, to be blunt.

You will have a toddler and a new-born, your parents are desperate to help and support you, particularly because of your previous experience of PND, and your husband is putting the kibosh on it?!

You have accepted his family (ie. his child from a previous relationship), he should extend the same courtesy to you regarding your family.

Sorry, but in my experience he is being abusive. He is trying to control your relationship with your parents and separate you, at a time when you need this support network around you. This makes you 100% reliant on him, and he is in 100% control. This is in no way a healthy aspect of your relationship.

My x did this, and I can tell you that now afterwards, I deeply regret allowing him to move me from my support networks, I regret allowing him to stop me having a relationship with my parents. It strongly affected my ability to cope with young children, and my mental state of health. I stayed in a very unhealthy relationship much longer because he did do this. And if I had my time again, and the choice was him or my family and support network, he would lose out just for having forced me to make that decision.

No he shouldn't have to see your parents 24/7 for 6 months. But unless they are planning on taking up residence in your bedroom with you there too, everything else can be dealt with through needs/wants and boundaries.

We have lived with my parents at various times and it really is hard to do, even though my dh has been amazing with them. I think the problem is often the lack of space and the 24/7. My guess is that having your parents nearby, rather than staying with you would actually be much easier. Your mum can pop round in the morning for a couple of hours. You can take a walk to see granny for a couple of hours. they can even babysit so you can have the odd night out with dh. Renting a house nearby could be a compromise for you both.
In these situations the hardest thing is to sit down and discuss it without the emotions flooding the table. How about taking some time, asking him to lay out what is the thing that worries him most? Is it time with you? time with new baby? feeling driven out of his home? Is it that you are different when family are around? Or whatever, don't comment just listen. Then ask him to do the same the other way, the things you find hard about the current situation, and the things you would like, again, asking him to take time to listen and trying to keep it calm.
Then together you can look at all the options, from moving back near to your family at one end of the scale (I know this isn't an actual option but just to show the range of solutions) right through to them living with you.
The only way forward is to work out a solution together, it is easy to get trapped into a stand-off, which doesn't help.
personally I think you sound as if you need your family nearer, and he needs to compromise.
Good Luck

been thinking about this all the way to school and back. So hard to know when we don't know you, but you could be described one of 2 situations eg

1. he is controlling and trying to keep you away from your family as some people suggest, and if that is really true then you need to decide what to do

1. he is just really worried about something here (being swamped?) and is expressing it very badly, and hasn't really understood how much of a sacrifice you have made up until now. (if his family is different he may just not get it) If he loves you then you need to work this out

you know him and we don't, so you are the one who can tell which it is.

From your post I think your dh is being extremely controlling and that your parents are right to be concerned. This level of isolation for you when you quite reasonably Want the support of your mum is jn my opinion very unhealthy. I thinking need to seriously talk to your dh.

Thank god my husband doesn't feel like that and realises that the support my mum and family has given me has been invaluable to our whole family. That doesn't mean there are no boundaries, he prefers people staying in a hotel if not much room (we have let them stay sometimes, othertimes paid for their accommodation), and they don't come for months on end, but I see my family where and when I like. We might discuss where they stay, but not if they stay, they come, I love to see them, that's that.

I would worry about this as a) you've moved a long way from your family and so it is inevitable they will want to visit, but your husband hates this and tried to keep it to a minimum, a couple of days 4x a year is pretty standard stuff and b) you have had PND so you would think he would see the value of family support and c) he sounds very angry and shouty about it all and you are worried you are risking your marriage if they come.

I am not sure what you can do, as I'm not sure talking with him about the options will help, is the rest of the marriage ok?

I would have thought it would suit your husband as it means they don't have to stay at yours. He sounds completely unreasonable as your parents can live where they want. You had to move away from your family so he could be nearer his son so I think he should be bending over backwards to accomodate you family. Also, if you had PND he should be ensuring you are supported when the new baby arrives. Is he OK when you visit them at their house?

Your husband sounds like a selfish, controlling dick!

Poor you, poor your parents who only want to help.

You've had good advice so not much to add but he sounds awful. Imagine if you had a dd and her H was going mad at her because you wanted to help her out?

He sounds like a selfish pig OP. Let him read this thread. You have made a massive sacrifice for your DH, especially when you are so close to your family. He should be doing everything he can to support you in maintaining your close relationship with family, especially when you've had PND.

And tbh it sounds like the perfect situation - family near by but not living in the house with you. Where's the problem? Your husband is the problem here, not your parents - and you need to make that clear to him. After all, there is no reason why HE has to go and visit them etc.

So his reason for not wanting them at your house is because he feels claustrophobic...that's understandable. But then I'm afraid that reasoning doesn't tally if they're renting/staying at a hotel nearby.

I think you need to talk about WHY he doesn't want them nearby. Perhaps emphasise how having them close will help BOTH of you (since it shares the workload somewhat).

At the end of the day he's being extremely selfish and unreasonable if he won't compromise with you over this. If safeguarding your health and mental health aren't enouhg for him to compromise then I don't know what would be.

Oh my goodness, I wasn't expecting replies like that! I thought it would be a mix of some saying he has a point and deserves his space and others saying a hotel was a good idea.

It's given me a lot to think about but TBH it's also cleared my head a little bit about things which I knew but was burying. I've been with him 8 years and I think you just get so used to things they start to seem normal and ok.
PND stole a lot of my confidence as well.

I think Kamer and steppemum have hit on part of his worries - I believe he worries that this will be the beginning of them being here full time, he's simply not used to having family around all the time (he had no extended family or grandparents growing up) and he feels swamped and claustrophobic when we have people stay with us. He feels that way whether it's my family and friends or his own. He just hates his space being invaded.

That said, the rental idea IS a good compromise and I do think if he gives it a chance, he'll find it bearable. But I don't want him to be unhappy.

steppemum - your advice to sit down and talk it through is really good, thank you. I think we need to try that. Certainly we are both emotional people and it is hard to just talk facts without letting feelings creep in. We both are guilty of not letting the other finish their point before jumping in with a rebuttal.

My parents would rent for 6 months but not be here that whole time. They have grandchildren in their own town, my brothers DC's who they see a lot so it's about them having a base that they can come and go from as they please. Sounds great to me but he thinks they will be turning up unannounced as we'll have no control over it when it's their own place. That's so indicative of how differently we see it isn't it?!

To be fair, my dad, much as I love him can be a bit difficult. He is very full on, needs a lot of care and attention - everything has to be how he wants it. Dinner when and where he wants, eat what he wants etc...
In many ways, I've married my father as I see so many similarities between my DH and my DF!
But even with that in mind, I have a new baby coming and I need and want support this time. Our DD will only be 22 months when this one arrives and I already feel panicky at the thought of not coping. I have no friends nearby who can help me - friends I've made here were via NCT so all have their own babies to look after.

Thank you all for your replies and for being so honest. I obviously need to have a good think about all this and talk to my DH some more.
I also need to stop taking it out on my poor parents. I've been getting upset with them as if they are doing something wrong and they're really not are they?

I also need to stop taking it out on my poor parents. I've been getting upset with them as if they are doing something wrong and they're really not are they?

No. And neither are you for wanting support from them.

I think you hit the nail on the head about marrying your Dad. Someone who needs a lot of care and attention and wants it all his way. So you just bend over backwards and make it happen. All I get from your post is how you want to make DH happy. EMS - people like you often end up with serious and long-lasting depression, you know. If you try and make everyone happy and put your own needs last, it catches up with you eventually.

You need support from your family. You no longer have a spare room. What is your DH's solution to the problem? I still want to know why he isn't more concerned about YOU, seeing as you're the one who had PND, not him.

And as everyone else has said - there is such a thing as boundaries and communication. You can see your parents when he's not around for the most part. If he has a problem with that, he really is a controlling jerk and not someone who is scared of families and feeling swamped.

He uprooted you all to move 200 miles to be nearer his DS yet is throwing a hissy fit because your parents want to RENT somewhere near you for 6 months in order to provide support at a vulnerable time for you?

At what point does he abandon his own DS on the basis that parents clearly need to be cut off at some point? As a father who is committed to his own DS it is unforgivable that he should show such insensitivity to your relationship with your parents.

I agree with most of the other responses. You've been through PND with your first DD, you now have a second one coming, and your parents want to help. It seems very harsh for your DH to effectively deny you that help. I also feel sorry for your parents, wanting to help you and being told they can't.

However, I've been thinking about how I'd have felt if ex-DP had told me that his parents were renting a place nearby, and I know I'd have hated the idea. I'm trying to think why. I think it's because I'm quite a private person and, like your DH, I'm not used to seeing my family a lot. (Sadly none of them have ever stayed with me for even one night, and my mum made it quite clear she didn't want to stay over and help after I had my DS ... but that's another story). Also, I had a difficult relationship with ex-MIL and felt undermined by her. The thought of seeing her even more would have really upset me. Does your DH get on with your parents? Lastly, although it sounds stupid, I felt a bit jealous of the close relationship my ex had with his parents and often felt excluded and unwanted. Could your DH feel like that?

All these points might be totally off the mark, but I just thought they might provide some talking points for why your DH is so unhappy with the idea.