Advice needed please about my Mum

[Kurlywurly]

Sorry this is a long one. My mum came over this morning to pick up my 2 year old DS1 to take him out for the morning (a very rare occurrence) so I could spend some time with DS2. Mum had not been in the door five minutes before telling DS1 that he could not take his pink pushchair out with him "because people will think he's a poofter". And then laughed her head off at her own joke.
I asked her not to say that, then carried on getting his snack together. A few minutes later, I said to her "Isn't it funny that girls can play with any type of toy but boys can't". I said it in a very neutral tone, as I wasn't having a go at her, just making a remark. But she snapped at me to leave it, she was only joking. I tried to get my point across again, and she told me to leave it again, and the situation just escalated and escalated in a horrendous row with her screaming at me that she always has to walk on eggshells round me/I can't take a joke, etc etc. I shouted back, telling her that I'm not allowed to have an opinion, especially one which is different to hers. In the end I said if she's going to be like this then to get out of my house. So she left in floods of tears.
I actually can't believe this all happened. It's not about the pink pushchair, it's about her being able to say what she likes and me not being able to comment without being jumped on or stonewalled. I've been in the wrong with her my entire life.
Both her and my Dad (who is now furious with me too of course) always complain about how they both have to walk around on eggshells around me and my two sisters. I've come to the conclusion that this says more about my parents than me and my sisters.
I'm shocked that it turned into a row as we never row - I just keep quiet normally if I disagree with her. Her normal way of dealing with things is stonewalling.
She eventually came back. I said sorry as soon as I saw her, and she said nothing. She came into the house, talked to DS1, laughing and joking like nothing happened, and now has taken him out for a few hours.
When they come back I feel like asking her, is that it then? Are we not going to discuss it? I'm so hurt that I don't deserve an apology. Last time I looked, it takes two people to have an argument, no matter how ridiculous it might have been. Any ideas what I can do? Shall I just let it go? I feel so sad and so utterly belittled. Everything is a complete jumble in my head right now, so apologies if any of this doesn't make sense.

One day your son may very will be pushing a great big pink pushchair, with his OWN beloved DAUGHTER in it.

What is so wrong with your son pushing a pushchair? ALL kids love to push their own chairs. My son would have loved a pushchair, Ex refused. I wanted to get DS a kitchen (his dad's a chef fgs) but again, dad said NO! that's a girls toy.

You were not in the wrong and you know it. Your mother was trotting out with the same old crap that existed in her generation. It's homophobic and it's wrong. She is being politically incorrect.

If I were you, I would state that you don't think it's appropriate to use divisive and insulting words like Poofta etc in front of your children/in your house. State that your son is entitled to play in any appropriate manner he likes.

When things have calmed down, apologise for shouting at her, but that you won't welcome intolerant behaviour/language in your home.

If she feels that she has to walk on eggshells so as not to use hatespeech, or be politically incorrect/DM-esque then tbh, so be it. If that means she has to think about what she says, then perhaps that is not a bad thing.

Why should you allow that in your home?

Be clear, racism, sexism, homophobia etc are not welcome in your home.

I reckon you've had enough upset for one day, honey, and it's no good for your dc to listen to the pair of you screaming at each other or to see either you or your not so 'd' m in floods of tears.

When your not very 'd' m returns, I would suggest you keep your feelings in check and wave her goodbye with a false smile on your face as if nothing untoward has taken place.

And then vent here and give consideration to joining the Stately Homes thread.

OP when I saw your title I opened it as I have lots of 'Mother' issues too.
The problem isn't what she said is it, as much as your right to have an independent opinion? And fine, what she said wasn't very nice, but thats her opinion, she is entitled to have it, and you wont change it or her.
You are entitled to have a different opinion. Neither of you is entitled to lose your tempers so badly that you are shouting at each other in front of children.

It sounds as if there are lots of problems about your parents and there are threads here as izzy says where people totally 'get' it.

BTW looking for an apology wont work. If it comes, it will be freely given and will feel right to you.
If it doesnt......well that tells you something doesnt it.

When my ds2 was 2 one of his Christmas presents was a doll with a bottle. He loved nothing more than to swaddle the baby and carry it around in a home made sling around his chest albeit it wearing an army commando playsuit and rambo style headband . Absolutely nothing wrong with your boy playing with those toys and if my ds had wanted a pushchair he would have had one.Your Mum sounds like hard work and won't change. Carry on doing your thing with your ds, it's her issue not yours.

Thanks for your replies. You're right - I will keep my mouth shut when she drops off DS1 later. I am still feeling so shitty about it - mostly for the DCs being there while we rowed and for me telling her to get out of my house. I was in the wrong for that. Not my finest moment.

The funny thing is that for once I didn't actually rise to her obnoxious comment (she and other older family members have made comments like that before), I was just commenting on boys/girls toys. I think perhaps she wanted me to rise to it and just acted like I had anyway.

I have had a look at the Stately Homes thread - have always wondered what they're about, and it looks like I'll fit in nicely...

sugarice that is such a cute image I have now of your DS with his dolly in a sling. Luckily for DS1 I take no notice of such pathetic comments from my relatives and he is allowed to play with whatever he chooses - he also has a toy kitchen (and often makes me tea and toast), as well as a pink bathtime tea-set. Hey-ho.

I think it's great that you stood up for your own opinions after years of just keeping quiet.

You slipped back into old patterns though when you apologised but she didn't, and then acted as if nothing was wrong. So she's gotten away with it again.

She'll never change, by the way, but you can give yourself permission to stand up to her any time she upsets you. I suspect you've been keeping quiet and accepting the unacceptable for far too long.

Stately Homes thread would definitely be a good place for you - try the books and websites listed at the start of the thread.