Have come to the end of the road, need to take action...please help

[Lostmywaysomehow]

Hello to anyone reading, this is my first posting so I apologise if I should have added it onto another thread / posted somewhere else. I have looked at the talk forums for many months now in the hope someone would post a similar thread and the answer would be there for me to see.. but I haven't seen one yet.

Sorry in advance for the long post.

My current situation and the reason for my posting is that I feel it is the time for me to leave my husband, but I dont know what to do next. Sounds pathetic but I dont have the confidence to go out and speak to CAB or anyone like that in the area... lord I've only just built up the confidence to post here.

My husband and I have been together since we were in our teens. After 9 years together and our own businesses going from success to success we decided to have a baby. One year later we married. 2 years after that we had another. I noticed problems in our relationship as soon as we were parents.

My first child was born 5 and a 1/2 years ago, and throughout that time, what should have been a happy time, has been a miserable lonely experience. Had it not been for my children I'm sure I would have ended it all by now.

Unfortunately, taking my eye off the business when I became a mother, combined with the recession, meant that my business began to fail. Last year I had to liquidate and start again and I have gone from being a high flying career woman to a pathetic tired looking insecure wreck. I no longer have an income and have to rely on my husbands wage, of which he punishes me about everyday.

I'm not sure I'm writing this properly..... to cut a longer story short. Since having children, my hsband, who is also self employed has done his best to be out of the house (apparently at work) as much as he possibly can. I'm talking 6-7 days per week. He has avoided all problems between us. I have asked him for help, especially over the past year since my business collapsed, but he has ignored me. I have broken down in tears countless times infront of him - he doesn't even hug me - I have become an annoyance. I wrote him a 4 page letter - he ignored me. I have done everything I can to get a reaction - I get nothing.

As far as our relationship goes - there is none. He does not talk to me, he comes home and watches tv without me and goes to bed. On the weekend he plays sport. If we wants sex he trys to have his way - that is the sole time I get any affection from him and it is extremely rare anyway.

Something that has hurt me deeply, as I have really needed his help with childcare so that I can work (my oldest is at school and youngest 1/2 days at nursery - I look after them rest of time) is that he has actively lied to me on more than one occassion - saying he absolutely cannot help and I then find out it is because he has been playing golf/tennis. We used to have a full time nanny to help with household and children, but when my business collpased we had to let her go as we couldn't afford it. So I now do everything, as well as trying to work (from home) f/t as I manage 25 staff.

I mentionned punishing me abut money - it is bad enough for the sole when you have to admit failure and liquidate a business, but I am constantly being bullied by him to start contributing. He puts in the bare minimum to cover our mortgage which means I cannot afford to buy things for the children and I have to make food stretch as far as possible. There is a recession on you might say - fair enough. But I have also recently found out that he has a seperate bank account that he is paying into for himself so he can live the life of luxury. He told me the other day 'he didnt marry a housewife' so he is not giving me any extra money and expects me to start contributing.

He has been very cruel in many other ways but I feel I have written enough. I have told him we need to seperate as I can no longer put up with the daily verbal beating and constant bickering. He has refused this and told me he will never let his children go. I feel utterly trapped. I am desperate to get out of this relationship, with my children, but I dont know what the next step is. My only money is tied up in our house, but we have tried to sell the house on 3 occassions and not been able to.

I wanted to ask if anyone knew what my rights are to move out to stay with family, with my children. I dont want to break up my family by any means - but I cannot see another solution. I am utterly miserable and alone right now. I have asked him to move out so the children can stay in their rooms until we sell the house, but he has refused.

Thank you for reading and any help/experience/suggestions would be very greatly received.

Good grief, what a monster you're married to!

I'm sorry, I'm probably not the best person to advise you, but just wanted you to know how brave I think you are for facing up to this.

Oh, and a large chunk of his income will be heading your way post-divorce anyway - that ought to give the mean bastard a healthy introduction to being a decent human.

Would suggest you seek proper legal advice asap to get this horrible and abusive individual (apart from verbal abuse he is financially abusing you as well and that is yet another means of control) out of your day to day lives.

He gives not a toss for his children either if he is prepared to treat the mother of his children like this.

You can call Womens Aid too; they are helpful and their number will not appear on any bill. Use the links also that MN provide at the top of the page.

The first and hardest step is the one initially taken to seek outside help. You have been very brave and have now got enough confidence to post here, now take that second hopefully now easier step to break free of this person. You can do this, you will have support on here as and when you need it.

Keep posting here.

Your family is already broken by his actions. You can heal from this but you need him gone from your day to day lives.

Your rights are best explained by a solicitor or similar but I think what you probably need most is some real-life support. Maybe you're not in the habit of asking friends and family for help but I think, when faced with this kind of situation, you have to call in the troops.

I was reading something about domestic violence the other day and apparently it's very common indeed for women who have been with partners without incident for years to first start experiencing problems when they have their first baby. Being a new mother certainly makes women vulnerable in many ways, including financially, and where most men would see that as a trigger to look after their partner more, some obviously see it as an opportunity to unleash their bullying side. Horrible

With that in mind, how about talking to one of the Women's Aid charities? You don't have to be beaten black and blue to be abused. 0808 2000 247

What a horrible man.
[offers an unMN hug]

You are right you have to leave him.
My suggestion would be to pack his bags and change the locks, If he try's to force his way back in call the police and tell them you have thrown him out and you are afraid for your safety. (you could even pre call them to warn them that something might happen and to expect a call).
If you are not working at the moment you need to put in calls to the job centre and hmrc and get some benefits sorted out so that you and the dc's have money to live on.
Do you think he wil stop paying the mortgage?
Unfortunately you may have to leave the home, but the council in your area will be able to help you sort something out if you don't have anywhere else to go.

If I were you I would collect as much evidence as I can about his secret bank account, so that you can get as much as you can when you divorce the bastard.

He sounds like a nasty man, and you will be better off when he is away from you and your DS's.
Good luck.

He is a disgusting human being and you are right to leave him. Life will get better for you in every way when you are free of him.

Step 1 would be to collect up ALL the financial and information you can find, every bit of it, copy it and then

Step 2 is to take it to the best lawyer you can find. They will help you.

Calling Womens Aid is also a good idea. He is financially and emotionally abusing you. Good luck, you've made the right decision and the only way is up from now on

Yes I echo copy all financial info now so you have proof. Then go to see a solicitor. You need to have a roof over your kids heads.

Good luck

Pack his bags by all means but it will be an expensive and futile gesture to change the locks if you are both named on the deeds/mortgage for the marital home as he has the legal right to occupy the property and can ask the police to enforce this.

If you were making self-employed NI contributions, and/or while you remain living with your h, your entitlement to benefits may be limited.

If you approach your local council in respect of social housing it may be they'll take the view that in leaving the marital home you are making yourself intentionally homeless.

The above may seem like more gloom and doom but, with the help of this board and Women's Aid, these issues can be resolved and you will be able to live the life you and your dc deserve once you have separated from your controlling and abusive h.

You've reached out here and you now need to summon up your courage and reach out to others in real life. Do you have friends/family you can confide in? Is there anyone who can temporarily accomodate you and your dc until you can establish your own home?

Visit www.womensaid.org.uk to locate your nearest branch, give them a call, and ask them to recommend solicitors who specialise in family law and who offer a free half an hour initial consultation.

Or post on the Legal board to solicit recommendations for solicitors in your part of the world and for general advice as to your likely entitlements in respect of division of marital assets (including the contents of his now not-so-secret bank account) and child support/spousal maintenance in the event of divorce.

It's always darkest before dawn but your dark times will pass, honey, and you will be able to bask in the sunshine of a more fulfilling life in the near future.

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken time out to respond to my message. I want to take the least disruptive route for the sake of my children. I do have family nearby who can accomodate me for a short term basis. Unfortunately I dont have a lot of friends nearby and my close family are busy with other problems, so I haven't been able to pull them into this really - though they are aware. I think they feel I'm strong enough to walk alone as indeed during my high flying career days I felt I could accomplish anything. I hope I feel like that again some day.

I think next step is legal advice.. thank you again everyone - you have helped me.

So sorry to hear that you're going through this . Your situation sounds awful. I'd suggest that you see a solicitor before you take any action as your husband sounds like the kind of man who will fight you all the way even though this will disadvantage his children.

Other posters will be able to tell you what information you need to gather to show your solicitor. I know that the usual advice is not to leave the family home or your dc because it can be very hard to get them back.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Do you know how I know you will be ok? Because you have already been doing everything on your own anyway, running a business and looking after the children, without any help. You will also sleep much easier knowing there isn't someone actively kicking you when you are down (whatever happened to 'for richer, for poorer'?)

Seek legal advice, turn to your friends and family, you will get through this and have a much better life on the other side.

Knowledge is power and obtaining legal advice will empower you.

The least disruptive route for your dc will be for your h to leave and for you remain in the marital home for either the short or long term.

You mention that he's been 'cruel in other ways' and, if he's unwilling to leave, it may be that you can obtain an Occupation order which will give him no alternative but to reside elsewhere - please make a note to discuss this possibility with any solicitor you consult and also with Women's Aid.

If your situation becomes intolerable to the point where you feel compelled to take your dc to stay with family, it could be that a solicitor can negotiate your return to the marital home providing certain conditons are met by him.

If may be that you won't wish to fully confide in rl family/friends; if so, you know you can let it all hang out in this anonymous venue and the chances are that many others will have experienced not dissimilar treatment at the hands of their abusive spouses/partners.

You may recognise your h in the book 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft (available from Amazon and other internet booksellers) which is regarded as essential reading on this board.

Hi Lost Second all the advice so far.
:( :( that you have such a person ruining your life.
Step one: Buy Lundy Bancroft's books and read them.
Step two: (to be carried out at the same time as step one) Get yourself the best lawyer you can (or, indeed, cannot) afford
Step three: (connected to step two) Get the bastard out of your house. I thought mine wouldn't go, but (thanks and to the wonderful women on MN, I phoned from work one day and told him to be gone by the time I got home - he went!! and has not come back!! It surprised even me.
Step four: Take ALL the time in the world to take care of yourself and your children.
You may find that just having the bastard gone is like a brain and heart tonic and will help you find your way.
Oh - and join us here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1488894-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-Number-9