This is wearing thin now!

[cardymunt]

I have 2 dcs, one a teen and one 10 months.
My partner is lovely and has been quite helpful when I've told him to be, this is the trouble, I have to ask repeatedly for any help as it is never volunteered or offered.
He works very hard and is now bringing home all the money as we wanted our ds to be cared for by me.
I'll give examples, every Tuesday night is bin night and he knows this, but I still have to remind him, which sometimes I forget because I'm busy.
The bin just never gets emptied and taken out (sometimes even when I do remind him it doesn't get done). When ds was born we didn't have the bins emptied for a month.
He makes a mess for me to clean when I wake up.
He rolls cigarettes and leaves tobacco on the floor, which I consider bad as ds is crawling, he just says he can't see the issue, I then have to hoover first thing, every day.
ALL he does is sit infront of his laptop and the tv (football mad).
Whilst I'm clearing up after dinner he'll watch ds, but gets annoyed because he won't stop crawling around, stopping him from being able to do laptop stuff, so he just sits him on his knee whilst he's on the laptop, ds then gets upset, which just makes dp annoyed.
He always helped me with bedtime routine but always just seemed to want to get away, back infront of his laptop and tv. He now doesn't help me with bed routine.
He loves ds to bits but doesn't seem to want to deal with the crap, so leaves it all to me. He goes out to mates twice a week but now footy is on it's 3 and acts as if it's an entitlement.
He thinks as I'm at home all the time I have an easy life, he thinks I do fuck all.
When I approach him about anything he just says "I work".
The reason for forgetting to do the bin is "I work"!
I bf btw and co-sleep, I get woken 6 times a night, he hasn't lost a minutes sleep since ds was born.
Before this didn't bother me but I'm getting annoyed now.
Don't get me wrong we have a good relationship, we mostly have a happy household, there is mostly a nice atmosphere, he is generous, usually understanding, we get along in every other respect, It's just that he will get away with doing the bare minimum which is made worse depending on what footy is on.
I don't know what I want from you, for someone to agree that i'm not being unreasonable perhaps.
I know others are suffering with EA etc so I don't want to act ungrateful, it's just beginning to tire me and I'm getting resentful and feel a bit trapped.
Thank for letting me offload. :)

He doesn't respect you: your contribution to the family is not "work" in his eyes. Domestic needs are beneath his dignity because he works outside the home. He wants a SAHM who will do all the shitwork and childcare, and feels entitled to this.

this article from the 70s describes his POV perfectly.

You need to test whether he is willing to change, willing to acknowledge your contribution as work, the inequality of your set-up, and to start doing his share of domestic work so that you both end up with equal amounts of leisure time (with an unambiguous convo, serious ultimatums). And if he isn't willing to change then you really only have 2 choices: put up and shut up, or leave.

I'm afraid he sounds to me like a lazy shit. Just to give you a comparison, my DP works 60 hours a week, yet when DS was born would come home from work, cook dinner, do some washing, and help with DS. At the weekends we shared the cleaning.

What you do during the day is no less 'work' than him. I believe the mumsnet adage is that you should both have equal quantities of leisure time. If you're still doing your 'job' - cooking, looking after DS, etc - in the evening, and he isn't, this is not fair and he should be doing as much as you.

He helps create the mess, so should be equally responsible in clearing it up. He is a grown up, with seemingly functional arms and legs.

These types of men make me farking furious.

Ah, cross post! Great minds think alike.

Do you ever go out on your own? What's the longest you could go out for on an evening or weekend? He's clearly not going to enable or offer you "time off" so you just have to seize it and let him cope with his child for hours at a time and see what "work" really is.

And leaving tobacco where your baby can put it in his mouth is really not acceptable - how could he ever think it is? What does he say about it?

What about other house stuff? Cooking? Cleaning? Shopping? What DOES he do?

My word you could be either side of an ongoing rant my best mate and I have almost thrice weekly. Generally it alternates between the following;

WHY can't he remember to do 1 thing..we remember everything else?

How is it that he can't go to the shop without ringing to check what the 2 items were he went for?

Why do we have to tell him what needs doing-he's nearly 40, can't he see for himself?

I've been out the house to do the shopping on my own for once and he's done...oh yes, nothing while I've been gone. Why? Because he has had the children of course. Good job they magically disappear during the rest of the week so I can get stuff done

and

as above BUT the minute you walk back in the door (and before you unpack anything) he's shoving the DC's towards ylou saying "look Mum's home..ask her"

or

He does the shopping, calls from the shop constantly, interupting you trying to get stuff done while he's out so it's done for when he's back.He then walks in with the shopping like he's off the Yorkie advert and leaves it dumped for you to put away. (Alternatively he puts 2 or 3 items away leaving the bags in the middle of the floor).

My advice? Get a cheap tariff, pick any friend with hubby & child and call. Doesn't solve it but it does relieve the aaaarrrrrgh :o

Was he like this when you had a job?

Thanks all, glad I'm not bu.
It's cuz of his upbringing, his mum did everything, he didn't lift a finger.
If he's off work he will take ds for a walk if he refuses to nap in the day, but this spare time is usually spent tidying, only a handful of times have I been able to go back to bed for a hour. Any spare time is filled with washing clothes. I never go out as I'm still bf and ds won't be without me too long.
A night out is out of the question.
If I have a shower and leave ds with him and he wants to watch football I get comments about how long I take, it's infuriating at times.
With the tobacco, I went mental and he now insists that he's stopped doing it in the living room, but I don't believe him so Hoover anyway just out of worry. Although I haven't seen any on the floor lately I still get anxious that there will be a tiny amount. I have OCD which has become quite bad so am VERY vigilant, it's so tiring.
I have to stop it all now, my mum has had a lifetime of picking up after men and I can't do the same.
He's also un tidy and in his room ( I sleep in with ds) his clothes are everywhere. Even the ones I've washed and put on his bed.
I do all this for my teen ds but my dp is a man yet acts like a kid.
When I get stressed he will say "tell me what to do" so I make him do things for me, then he gets side tracked, by the fucking football.
If there is no match on the tv then sky fucking sports is on. If I had my way we wouldn't even own a tv.
He is so lovely and we are still in love, so I don't want this to ruin us, I need to crack my whip now and be clear.
If feel so much better for offloading.

Does he not understand that DS is his son too (presuming he is)? The moaning about how long you take while he SHOCK looks after his own child would have me going mental I'm afraid.

Honest question - would there be less work for you if you lived alone with the kids?

Argh thanks MN - just lost long post.

Ok, add up how much time he spends working + looking after children + doing house stuff in a week.

Now add up how much time you spend being responsible for childcare (including nights) + housework etc in a week.

Now total how many hours he spends on stuff just for him e.g. telly, laptop, out with friends, napping, and compare it to your hours of freedom.

What's the picture like?

He is not lovely at all to my mind and you're in turn teaching your children acceptance of all his crappy lazy arse type behaviours. You have a manchild, not an equal partner. Such selfish sexist men do not change either.

Is this really what you want to teach your teen daughter and your other child when older?.

He is like this because he can; you facilitate him now and run around him like his mother did. He sees you as he did her, as an appliance and not a person in her own right. Your mother seemingly did the same with her man and you learnt from her that example; its a hard habit to break.

... and to redress any imbalance in the outcome, increase your leisure time by not doing his laundry. The disrespectful arse.

(I meant imbalance in the leisure time tally, as per Elephant's suggestion)

He did it when I worked yes.
He was better during pregnancy and amazing after ds was born until I recovered (4 weeks ish).
He cooks if I'm rushed or ill. He is understanding and will help me but it all has to be prompted.
I can't remember everything yet why is it so hard to remember one thing.
He is lovely with ds he adores him. He will change nappies ( when I tell him to) but when football is on/ laptop forget it!
He one of these people you can't communicate with when he's watching football, he will have no memory of anything you said, same when laptop is on.
All other times he's great.

Good suggestions, thank you :)

Meerkat I agree the whip is coming out, I am not his mother!

Ok, there's a lot of football on at the moment. Why not say "the game tonight starts at 7, you'll want 2 hours to watch that. So I'll take my 2 hours from 5-7, thanks." And then disappear to the neighbours' for a cup of tea, or upstairs to MN read, or watch something on iplayer, or just sleep.

Try it?

Leaving him with DS, obvs.

"He one of these people you can't communicate with when he's watching football, he will have no memory of anything you said, same when laptop is on.
All other times he's great"

Really?

Sorry cardy but from what you have written I'd beg to differ. He is a lazy arsed manchild who sees you primarily as an appliance.

Unless you yourself impose changes your DD could grow up to have a relationship with a manchild and your son will become a carbon copy of his Dad in terms of behaviour.

Stop selling yourself so short and settling for poor behaviour from this man who is supposed to be your partner. He sure is not acting like one but the fault is partly yours too for facilitating such behaviour now.

He stays up really late, I'm going to tell him he can wait til then to do his Internet shit and football crap.
I am refusing to do anything after a certain time so I can wind down properly at night.
Thanks mntters :)

I just kicked one out like that OP.

You are certainly not his mother but both your mother and his ran around after their lazy men and look where that got them. Nowhere, their actions made them lazy.

I do think it's important that he learns to look after his son single-handedly though. He's not going to magically become father of the year - he needs to have childcare responsibilities forced upon him. It's not fair on you or your son if you're his only effective parent.

"He is lovely with ds he adores him."

He's a friendly uncle, not a proper Dad.

Fathers notice when their baby needs a nappy changed and do it.

It is the day-to-day care of changing, bathing, dressing a baby that makes a parent.

Not "being lovely" when there's no football on and ignoring him or getting cross when there is.

He sounds like a complete waste of oxygen.

It's horrible to think about but what if you got ill or fell over and broke both legs tomorrow and ended up in hospital for weeks? Would it be acceptable for him to leave DS in a dirty nappy for 90 minutes (more if extra time!)? To leave him crawling around a house where the rubbish is literally overflowing? He's failing as a parent. Imagine what social services or your health visitor would say if the baby was having to live like that.

I think you need to stop doing stuff for your teen DS as well, or you are setting up another woman to have exactly the same problems as you years down the line.