Not bad enough to go but not good enought to stay?

[BudaBabe]

Just been away for a week and got back yesterday. DH didn't try to hug or kiss me till I pointed out tonight that he hadn't.

Been together for 18 years, married with one DS.

No sex. And I mean none.

I really feel that we don't have anything in common. No bond. the only thing we have in common is DS.

But he is a great Dad. And a good husband - all my friends are envious - he cooks, shops, etc etc. But I feel empty. No emotional or physical bond.

Am I a total bitch to leave? Am I stupid to stay? Added compilications in that we live overseas and his family are in UK and mine are in Dublin.

I would love another child but he is not keen. If I force the issue we will but it has to be IVF. I just get this "look" on his face if I even mention the subject.

Sorry if this is waffling but am struggling.

Was going to change my name but couldn't be bothered!

Sorry to hear this BB. I can absolutely understand why you would stay in this situation, but equally I can see why you must feel frustrated, especially if you want a baby. But I can't imagine the nightmare of going through IVF with someone uncommitted to the idea. I'm sure it's a tough process to go through even when you're both up for it. No answers I'm afraid, just good wishes.

Does he know how your feel?

I guess he must know to some extent due to the lack of sex. Is that coming from you or him? Do you mind?

I think quite a few people lose the spark but the relationship can remain long and strong without it. It depends if either of you misses it.

It's totally him - the lack of sex. We have had counselling. But stop when it gets too "nitty gritty".

I should have left years ago. Should never have married him. But initally was lonely. And then desperate for a baby. DS is IVF. DH never wanted kids but is besotted with DS.

I go through stages when I feel more frustrated than other times. Always worse when I have been away. We seem to sruggle to get "close" again.

is there a chance your marriage could survive? does he know how empty you feel?
try getting closer to him show him what it is you want with any luck he will respond with what it is you want. He sounds like a loving husband and there hard to find (i'm going through divorce at the moment.)
i really hope things work out for you, you sound as if you still love him as you felt you wanted his immediate attention. (and so you should, everyone needs to feel missed, wanted and loved). can i suggest you forget about having another child for the time being and concerntrate on getting your marriage back- that special spark.
good luck

I know logically I should forget about another baby but I am almost 42 so it;s now or never. And if I don't do it I will resent him totally.

He does know how I feel but doesn't seem to be able to change.

He is adopted and his adoptive Mum died when he was 11. His dad died when he was aroudn 33 (we were together then).

hi bb...really sorry 2 hear of ur situation...i was many yrs ago in the same position...as u...wile its hard 2 stay n hard 2 go..u need 2 find the balance...i myself stayed like that for many yrs...2 this day i do regret not walking sooner as i missed out on so much...n i ended up hateing him...things he did would annoy me the way he ate the way he walked everything...so b4 u get 2 that point of resentment..get urself away for awile 2 relax n 2 think about wat u need n want...clear ur head nevr stay with some1 for the sake of it it never works i learnt that the hard way...im not telling u 2 walk away from ur dh..just get a little time for yourself..2 work through the issues that u feel..good luck xxxxx

Why bother changing your name? You have reservations.

I can't say, BB. I left. I walked out. According to the outside world, we had everything - nice house, two good jobs, two nice cars, no debt, etc.

He didn't want kids. I did.

We split. Best thing for both of us.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide.

BB your relationship sounds like mine. Theres sort of a void there. Dh is lovely, he is a good dad and a friend but theres no spark, no connection. But like you i cant see that its reason enough to leave when we are settled, raising our kids together in an friendly enviroment. Its just blurgh though, bland and part of me feels that i should look for something more and part of me reminds myself I am lucky and shouldnt risk what i have.

A void. BB, can I ask you something? It's rude but here goes. How old are you?

42 - she posted further down

Sorry, VVV.

Didn't read.

Are you a total bitch to leave? Do you feel a total bitch? Somehow I think you don't. You're older than I am, and I've done enough living to know any decision I make has been weighted carefully and is right for me and my kids. I have a feeling you do , as well.

Can you try a trial separation and see how it goes?

Sorry had to leave this as DS woke up and then I went to bed.

Tamba - that is exactly it - a void. There is no closeness, no intimacy.

But I knew what I was letting myself in for when I married him - we had been together 7 years by that stage.

DS is his only blood relative and he adores him (and vice versa). He is a great Dad and on the surface a great husband. Isn't sexually driven so is not likely to either leave me for someone else, have affairs or be addicted to porn. Is not violent - even though I have been in the past.

Because of living overseas a trial seperation is difficult - if I left I would want to go to Dublin where my family are. So he wouldn't see DS much.

I have spoken to RL friends and most say to leave - that I owe it to myself. But I don't think it's bad enough to leave. Or is it? I suppose I am wondering if it is worth putting us all (esp DS) through the trauma of separation/divorce because of one issue - the sex/intimacy.

And I wnat another baby - whcih I can (hopefully!) have with DH if we do the IVF - am prob going to do a cycle next month. And I know he will love the baby and be a good Dad. I would love to see him with a daughter - he would be besotted!

I am not sure why I even posted really!