We don't like our friend's girlfriend

[Gatecrasher61]

My DP and I have known this chap for about 10 years. We used to be quite close, but due to other commitments haven't seen so much of him recently.

Anyway we saw him the other month and he has a new girlfriend and frankly we don't like her. He is quite well off and it is quite clear to DP and I that she is attracted to his lifestyle and not him.

He is totally besotted with her as this is the first girlfriend he has had in a long while.

I know that I cannot say anything to him as it will spoil our friendship, buy I am finding it very difficult to the point where we are avoiding seeing them. Plus she is really not someone I want to spend some time with.

I guess there is not a lot I can do really - just wanted to vent a bit.

In fairness, you're saying you don't see so much of your friend these days anyway, so is it really a problem that he's dating someone you don't like?

Do you think you disapprove of her more because you sense she is with him because of the lifestyle than because there is anything inherently bad about her as a person? Perhaps set that aside and see if she has her own merits?

Ultimately as you say, there's not a lot you can do; I can understand how difficult it is when a friend is seeing someone you don't particularly like. Perhaps try and see them mainly within a bigger group?

She is always dropping hints for him to buy her stuff - like showing him shoes and outfits in fashion magazines, She rarely smiles and hasn't made an effort to get to know us. It is not because she is shy as she is quite outgoing.

Plus she is often critising him on his appearance.

Hmm... Jury is out for me.

On one hand, I know that most of 'our' friends didn't / don't like my ExBF's new GF (Now wife) but I can honestly say, she is what he wanted / needed. I was a career girl / ladette whereas what he wanted was a SAHM. (Ironically, it's what I am now... but not then!!) He was (and is) much happier with her than I could ever have made him and I'm very pleased that he found her.

On the other, I know one friend who pitched up with a complete cow (now thankfully EX and he married a lovely woman) who I just couldn't STAND. She made my teeth itch. She could only drink TEPID organic still water. She battered on about having 'the worst headache' pretty constantly, I honestly said to her once (and I'm not proud of it really!) 'You should try white wine. I drink gallons of the stuff and I feel great' (OKOK, not big or clever!) She is the only person I actually wanted to cheer when I knew I wouldn't have to see her again

The point, really, is if your friend likes her, then you have to put up with her. It might that she is just who he wants / needs.

What don't you like about her?
You sound just like my Dh's friends were towards me. They knew feck all about me, and especially his wife were really unfriendly towards me on several occassions. I didn't take any shot off of her, as she was blatantly rude to me, and told her she was, at my engagement party. I was nothing but friendly and welcoming to them several times, and she was just plain rude. She had her own opinions of me, and that showed. My dh doesn't really speak to his friend, or wife anymore because of it.
Funnily enough, they knew nothing about my financial position (very good), and had no idea about me as it was a) none of anyone's business, and B) not in anyone's face.

All I'm saying is butt out, it's none of your business! Go find a hobby!

He's presumably aware of being used as a cash-machine and some men really don't mind that as long as they're getting their leg over on a regular basis. Gonk-like Bernie Ecclestone surely can't believe gorgeous women would find him devastatingly attractive if he didn't have a fat wallet.

It's just not your business. Over the years, several of my dear and beautiful and clever and gorgeous friends have hooked up with people that I simply wouldn't have expected. However, although there may have been muttering, most of these relationships have stayed the course. In one case they are together 15 years later, another 5 years happily married. I wouldn't have picked those people for my friends, indeed had grave doubts about their compatibility, but they obviously know better! Your friend is old enough to make his own choices and I think it's incredibly rude and judgemental of you to start shunning them as this girl is not your choice. I would go as far as to say, unless there is bad behaviour/abuse in your friend's relationship, that you are not being a good friend supporting him in his happiness.

Go out, have a lovely time, you may never know what he sees in her and vice versa but if they are happy, that's something to celebrate, especially after 10 years without a girlfriend!

When friends of mine have hooked up with blokes I don't much like I have ended seeing less of them and trying to go out with them alone. It does change the friendship, and it is sad, but there's not much else you can do.

3 of my closest friends are married to men I wouldn't touch if the continuation of the human race depended on it.

I am happy for them, because they're happy with their husbands.

1 friend is now an ex-friend because her twat of a husband treated us despicably when we visited them.

Your friend is besotted. Try sharing his happiness? She doesn't smile or talk to you? Maybe she senses your loathing and hatred?

Well I think you have to be true to yourself too. Life is too short to waste spending time with people you don't like. Maybe better to see less of him, but meet up with him on his own rather than see the two of them together more often.

If you care about someone it can be hurtful for you to see another person take the total piss out of them. One friend I took a break from as his new GF was getting him into debt as he had to continually buy presents and spend money on her. It took years for him to pay it off and yes, when his money (and credit) ran out she legged it with another man. Another friend's partner was cruel to animals - he used to kick his dog really hard when he was drunk. I just couldn't be in the same room with him. With both of these friends I took a break from the friendship and both times we became friends again when the partner was gone. Sometimes it is the only way.

Thanks SkinnedAlive - I think that we are going to follow the route you have suggested and be a bit less available.

It is painful to observe. She is also changing him beyond recognition - he is becoming a bit flash and arrogant too. I just feel so sad that the chap who's company we enjoyed, doesn't seem to be there any more.

Yes - it is none of my business and I wouldn't for a minute think of saying anything to him, but I don't have to be part of it.

I guess that at the moment they are both getting something out of the relationship - she is getting a nice lifestyle and he is getting some bedroom action. I just hope that if and when it goes wrong, he will come and find us.