What went so wrong?

[electricalfault]

I'm sorry, I had to namechange, I want to be able to go back to my usual carefree jokey way tomorrow. I have to leave. My husband makes me feel sad. I have wanted out for such a long long time. He had an affair, we tried so hard to fix it but I don't know if that can ever be fixed. He did make many changes, but I feel that fundamentally it was all just lipservice. His biggest problem is his drinking, he is currently asleep naked on the dining room floor, he disgusts me, he went out after work until only 8pm but came back so wasted that he passed out like this. He is overweight, has bad breath and is quite frankly disgusting. He is depressed and has little respect for himself, but I am just at the point of not caring, he has no respect for me, nor I for him. We have to separate don't we? I don't want this half life anymore. Aarrrgghh. I loved him. What went so wrong :(

Aw electrical (((hugs))) to you. Yes I think in your situation the next step would be seperation. Do you have DC?

Yes we have DC, they are the only reason he is still here. :( I am so so sad, he is so disgusting, but all I can think is what could have been.

Oh lovey. It is sad, but really, do you want your DC to grow up thinking a realtionship is about no respect and infidelity?
I do know where you are coming from. I am in a similar situation. How possible is it fro you to separate?

Thank you elephants. It is difficult, when we lived in the UK we had 2 houses (we each bought prior to relationship) then we emigrated and tied everything up in our new life (while he was having affair) I don't want to move home because the children are settled (I personally would go home in a heartbeat) but it is very expensive to live here, which is why we are still together. This doesn't help my self esteem any, because I know I would be happier without him, and it can't help him, knowing that I feel this way. Oh. What a mess.

I understand. Can you make yourself a plan? I know I have a 2year plan to get out, it's not ideal but it is the best I can do at the moment.
What does he say when you speak to him about this? Have you told him you are at breaking point?

Yes, he knows. He is just (obviously) in denial. That is basically how he and his whole family live their lives.... Don't acknowledge anything and it can't really be happening. Sooo wearing. I am sorry to hear of your troubles elephants :(

Are you able to go home or do you want the children to still live in the same country as him? Can you work there?

Oh I wish i had some decent advice, I am sure someone will be along soon with some better practical advice. My H is in denial too, I know how tiring it is, and how it can mke you question yourself.
I really recommend having a plan in your head. It has made a huge difference to me knowing that I am doing something to get out of this situation, even if it is only some weeks putting a fiver aside.
Do you have a good social circle around you? Can you build on that?
I must admit that I have started to exclude H from any social invites, I won't pretend that all is ok but i still want to do certain things so if he refuses to meet me half way and try and get things back on track then my life will just continue without him.
Do you work?

Romanced, it isn't that I want the kids to live in the same country as him.... They want to be here :(
Elephants, I think I am doing the same, I squirrel money and try to have a social life beyond him.
I am at work, which is the only thing keeping me going.

You poor thing. Are you happy now that you've emigrated, can you stay there easily? Have you got citizenship?

Do you have friends there? Is the OW there or did you leave her behind?

What went wrong was that you have become different people. Happens quite a lot that you get together with someone with whom you think you 'click'... and you do for a while... but then life happens and you respond differently to the various stresses and strains like children, careers, finances. It's really common, for example, for one partner to take on the responsibility, grow up rapidly, see life from a more mature angle and see the future the same way. Whilst the other partner rejects the responsibilities, 'can't cope', feels trapped,and regresses to being a selfish, rebellious teen.

Whether you stay where you are or return home, you need to ask him to leave and work out the financial aspect as you go. Subjecting your children to his behaviour won't do them any favours

Romanced: no, I don't want to be here and never really did. He did, and although he was having an affair, thought nothing of bringing over his wife and kids! I think it was cheaper for him! Yes we can stay, and will for the children's education. I love my job, so will stay as long as necessary. I have no friends and the OW is still very much here. Oh it sounds so shit doesn't it?

Cogito, I agree, it does the children no favours. I just can't see how to separate. It is just so fucking expensive :(

Could he go somewhere small? That might not help his depression, but that's not your responsibility. What age bracket are your kids, are they young or failry independent.

Nothing is ever insurmountable.

Breaking up is always expensive, wherever you are. However, what price your self-respect and peace of mind?

Romanced No nothing is insurmountable and Cogito I agree that breaking up is hard wherever you are. ~But what is someone supposed to do if they have very little practical support, no-one to move in with, no chance of council/ha house and unable to move into private rental due to distance/deposit/hard cash? That is why I said to start planning for the day you can leave. Maybe have a time limit or a fixed amount in your head you need to save?
electrical how long since you moved there? Are there any ways you can expand your social life to make friends?

If those conditions apply, he leaves, not her. One man on his own can find somewhere to stay far easier than a woman with children.

I agree Cogito. But what if he won't? What if he literally can't afford it? I know that is my situation. The money just isn't there.
I don't mean to sound so defeatist about this, and I am really hoping you are thinking of a solution that I haven't yet thought of.

Sorry electrical Didn't mean to hijack your thread.

electrical, my advice would be along the lines of the plan already suggested. elephants has already made great advice regarding practical support.
I completely understand the desire to do something now. I was there many times in the last year or two I was married. I had a three year plan but didn't stick to it because the situation became intolerable to me. But it is very difficult to do this without the support of friends too.

You're not me and you are very likely a much stronger person, but when I left I had no family, no friends, I don't have DCs, I was completely alone and I was terrified and really thought I was going insane at one point.
You need friends. Actually you need just one good friend and a couple of acquaintances. I'm not sure what country you're in, but can you have your own social life there?

" But what if he won't? What if he literally can't afford it?"

Then the OP gets divorce proceedings going. It isn't an instant or amicable solution but it forces the issue.

Elephants does your H have family nearby? What about a room somewhere rather than an entire council house, can you work on his expectations?

Cogito So I get the divorce going, but it doesn't solve how crap things are now. I absolutely get what you are saying, and I must admit that until I was in this position I was in the camp of "just go", it has scared and shocked me how hard it actually is.
Romanced No H has no family (parents both dead) only brother lives miles away, I can't force him to leave, on what grounds? His response is always "well we need to communicate more" but he thinks that just saying it is enough. If I don't plan it then it won't happen, so I have to present him with a fait a compli (is that right?? ) but only when i am able to actually follow it through.

fait accompli (accomplished fact) since you ask. I think there may be a circumflex on the i in fait but French A level was an awful lot of years ago...

" it doesn't solve how crap things are now. "

With respect, if things really were intolerable, no amount of hardship would keep you where you are. If they are bad but tolerable, the relatively short time taken to get the divorce through is something you can endure.