Don´t know what to do but I am screaming inside

[peterpie]

Firstly apologies if this turns out long but I need to get things off my chest...
I am curretly pregnant with DC3 so maybe I am being over-emotional but I don´t know how much longer I can go on like this...

DH is a good man, very supportive, caring, hard-working and a good father. He is not a good communicator, introverted, the sort who will come home from work and simply not speak if he has had a bad day. I have known this all along.

We live abroad (DH country) and yes I wanted to come here but it is no exaggeration to say I hate it, have done since day one and every day is a struggle. I never thought you could still feel homesick after nearly 6 years. I suppose my feelings about this place are slowly killing me and I am certainly not the person I was before. I have tried but I really cannot be bothered anymore.

I am the main carer for my 2 DCs who are what keep me going. I don´t have any outside support and I don´t work so yes I suppose that adds to my feelings of entrapment and loneliness.

Despite all this I really wanted to have another child. I am an only child myself and love the idea of having a bigger family. Maybe it´s a mistake as I feel so down at the moment but it´s too late now.

Anyway, DH has come home yet again from work with a face down to the ground. I ask him what´s up and as usual he says nothing. So here we are in two separate rooms, not a word spoken. Surely this isn´t normal, is it? He is not a talker and doesn´t like to share his problems and maybe I am now at a stage where I am too tired to even ask, what´s the point and no doubt it would just end in a row, a one-sided one at that as he doesn´t even argue back. I am beyond frustrated.

I just want to go home, knowing I can´t do that is the worst feeling in the world. I have no other family, well only my Mum who has early onset Alzheimers, I can´t talk to her. In fact I have very few people I can talk to, a few close friends in the UK but I don´t want to burden them. DH isn´t cruel or anything like that, it´s not like the goes out with mates drinking. I know things could be a lot worse.

I am spending too long wishing I could trun the clock back, at least if I were in the UK I would feel at home.

Thanks for reading and sorry if this just comes across as a self-indulgent whinge.

I had my first few DC in foreign countries. You don't sound whingy. Are you a very long way away? How different is the culture? How isolated do you feel, quite apart from DH?

its hard when your DH wont talk to you! it sounds like you need a bit of 'adult' time, with adult conversation and company.... is there any where you could go to just chill out and have a cuppa with a friend? when DH gets in just dump the kids and go out, might do you some good.
and possibly make you more willing to push DH for conversation /any form of communication?
my DP is much the same

however, maybe he isnt liking where your living now either? it doesnt sound like hes enjoying his job.. does he know how much you hate it?

You poor thing. It sounds really hard. How long have you been feeling like this? Do you think your feelings/your partner's behaviour are temporary, or has this been building for a long time?
I don't have much advice but I do know that, however bad things get, it is never permanent. Something always changes. Something will shift in your situation - you need to work out what it is that hurts the most, and start by tackling that.

Thanks for replying ladies

Yellowtip - it´s a strange one as I am only in Spain, a country I was familiar with and speak the language so there isn´t a barrier there. Thing is, visiting and living here I have learnt too late are two very different things. I have found it very hard to "break in" with the local people despite not having a language barrier. Probably having not worked here hasn´t helped. I have made some other ex-pat friends and while they are very nice they are not like my forever friends back home and nor should they be but I can´t help comparing.

Bubbless - yes, I would love some adult time!!! I might take myself off at the weekend for a few hours, it´s a good idea. And the thing about DH is I know he wouldn´t mind. I have to admit I do like my own company.
DH has a stressful job I get that but there again so do many other people....he really does retreat into a shell and we have always had trouble communicating. And yes he knows how much I hate it here although I haven´t said much about it lately as it has caused lots of rows in the past. It´s more complicated as I was very willing to come here and he has come to his own conclusion that I´ll never be happy anywhere, always got itchy feet and so on. In the past he has told me "just go then" which really doesn´t help. I know he doesn´t really mean it, I suppose he is just frustrated and feels powerless. I daren´t mention it these days...

Thanks Hyper - Your advice is so lovely and the bit about something changing is so up-lifting...I have been feeling like this for too long although I did have a period where I was feeling better not sure why as nothing had changed. I suspect my pregnancy hormones aren´t helping at the moment, I think we´re both a bit stressed about coping with a third child.

I do relate very well to the situation you describe in your OP. I'm in a very similar situation, but the other way round. I come from a Spanish speaking country and came to the UK forteen years ago. I met my now husband soon after I arrived. I fell in love with London straight away and still love this country very much, but living here, as opposed to being a tourist, has proved extremely hard for me.

I did my qualifications in English and found it very hard to find a well paid job over here the years. I had a terrible confindence plunge in terms of my occupation, as the one thing I was very good in my home country - speak English - is done by everyone here and to a much better standard :~

Having children (two DS's) has made me very happy overall but I find the day to day quite difficult, to say the least. My husband leaves in the morning and comes home very late due to the nature of his job. He's a good person too. A great dad as well, but we do have a lot of communcation problems. When I'm stressed and tired, I need to talk and get a cuddle. Someone to tell me: "I'm here, I'm listening". When he's stressed, he needs solitude, computer, TV and a drink. So our needs are the opposite. The drink issue has also caused me a lot frustration and stress over the years, but as most men in the UK drink quite a lot, I can't even suggest that what he drinks is beyond normal. It's a very depressing situation.

The cultural barrier is also present, though I never had trouble with the language. I've made friends with UK and foreign mums and women over the years, but a lot of people seem to move on very quickly and many times they are not interested in keeping the friendship going. I've had British friends on and off, but right now most of my closest friends, and not that many it has to be said, are either French or Spanish. I don't know if it's a cultural thing or what, but it seems that I can't manage to sustain British frienships.

I often feel very isolated, like an outsider always trying to fit in but failing badly. I still miss my close family and friends back home. I miss the natural sense of beloning I used to have. I know I'm an adult and should be responsible for the choices I've made in life, but sometimes it does seem too much.

I?m sorry I can?t give you any answers right now. All I can say is that I?ve been there and know exactly how it feels. Good luck!

Why cant you come home?

Are there any English Schools out there where you could work or even just volunteer?

I would say if you are going to be living there permanently then you have to view the ex-pats that you know as potential long term friends too rather than comparing them to your friends back in the UK.

Is coming back here an option? (as a family)

I often feel very isolated, like an outsider always trying to fit in but failing badly. I still miss my close family and friends back home. I miss the natural sense of beloning I used to have. I know I'm an adult and should be responsible for the choices I've made in life, but sometimes it does seem too much.

MmBovary - an excellent post (gracias) you have described perfectly in just a few lines exactly how I feel. I am forever telling myself that as an adult I am responsible for the choices I have made, there´s nobody else to blame. Why can´t I just get on with it...?

bogeyface - good question! The reasons why I can´t come home are many. Obviously DH is the only earner and he would have to find the "right" job in the UK, easier said than done at the moment...we own a property here that isn´t paid for and it´s doubtful we could sell it in the current Spanish market unless we gave it away! That could potentially leave us in the positon where we have to pay for 2 properties and we can´t afford to do that.

I´m not even sure DH wants to go back to the UK anymore. There was a time that he was open to the idea but as the years have moved on I think the change and upheaval has become too daunting. I ask myself how I would feel if we did go back and then he ended up resenting me. My chidren are fine here, yes I know they can adapt well elsewhere but I don´t want to feel we´re starting from scratch again with 2 young children and another on the way. It would be much easier for me to work in the UK, that´s certain but as I have mentioned before I don´t have any family support apart from my Mum who has Dementia (another big worry but I´ll leave that for now) At least here for the time being I am able to stay at home and look after them myself.

Yes, I realise this may sound like a long list of excuses but going back is much easier said than done, it would be much easier for everyone if I just got on with living here. "I´ve made my bed" springs to mind.

squeakytoy - I know you are right about friends, I shouldn´t compare but I can´t help myself...that´s a big issue for me, always looking back, too many regrets.

Sorry if this is turning into a moan...and thanks for "listening"

Hello OP, I could have written your post putting Italy instead of Spain. Totally get where you are coming from, I am there as well.
Congratulations on your soon to be DC3 btw.

My DD3 arrived last year. Just like you, I really really wanted a 3rd dc despite all the problems and not-settling-in type stuff. I've now been here 12 years and have all the issues you describe with a few differences.

It's not just pregnancy hormones and I suggest you address it now, without feeling guilty or as if you are whinging.

Can you pinpoint what it is that really bugs you about where you are living?

Things would be just as hard with 3 DC in the UK, just hard in a different way which perhaps you would find easier to deal with, that's how I see it.

The main reason we haven't moved back to the UK despite my repeated begging and pleading is that DH deep down just doesn't want to and we would have the same problems but in reverse, i.e. he would be the one feeling like a fish out of water, that would put even more strain on an already strained marriage etc. etc. etc.

So I have decided to find a way to get what I need, rather than what I want, iyswim.

In my case it's the heat and boredom during the summer that really tips me over the edge. From next year we'll be going to the UK for 3 months, taking advantage of the unfeasibly-long school holidays. Financially it will be difficult but my mental health is at stake and therefore the wellbeing of the whole family, so it's a major priority as far as I'm concerned. I'm also planning various trips to England by myself with the DCs.

Your DH will probably feel powerless as another poster said, that's why he's clamming up. If financially frequent trips back to the UK will be hard, you need to get your thinking cap on and find a job, work from home or something. English childminding/babysitting service / teaching small children English that kind of thing?

If you want to PM me feel free. You are not alone XX

Hi lemmingcurd - It´s makes a HUGE difference knowing I am not the only one feeling this way, thanks for your post. I am lucky in that I do manage a month back in the UK in the Summer, I would go completely round the twist if this wasn´t the case. I usually go as soon as DS1 finishes school but we have a wedding this year (SIL) smack bang in the middle of July so will be going later than usual which is a pain.

Anyway, thanks again everybody for all the advice and suggestions and yes lemming I think I will take you up on your offer and PM you, helps to have somebody in the same boat so to speak