Friend blowing very hot and cold with me all the time

[flashmollyflash]

And it's doing my head in.

We were very good friends (or so I thought) until about a year ago. We live opposite each other and our DCs are friends at school and in the same year groups. A year ago, for no apparent reason she stopped replying to my texts, walking past me when she saw me out, sometimes with a half-smile or a quick 'hi' and generally being very 'off' with me for no reason. I asked her several times what the matter was, was she ok, had I upset her and she replied 'no of course not' but carried on being cold with me.

I decided that if she was going to be off with me and not have the decency to tell me why, I wasn't going to lose sleep over it and just carried on saying hello to her when I saw her and eventually she seemed to get over whatever it was and was all friendly towards me again. I did keep a slight distance from her though, ie I never let our friendship get as close as it had once been as it had been ruined by her behaviour. However I do still want to be 'friends' and get on as we are neighbours and our DCs are friends.

But in the year since, she has done the 'off' thing with me several times. Each time she has an 'off' phase I just carry on saying hello to her, at the moment I am getting ignored again. She is on my FB friends list and when she's blowing 'hot' with me she comments on everything I say/do on there, not that I go on there lots, and is always texting me, up to 10 times per day. Then in her cold phase she ignores things, doesn't wish my children a happy birthday if their birthdays fall in her bad mood time, and doesn't contact me. Last year she decided two days before my birthday to be in a bad mood again and cancelled coming on a birthday lunch with me and several friends, giving no reason, just an abrupt 'not coming' text.

To add, she is very attention seeking and likes everything to be on her all the time, I wouldn't go as far as to say a drama queen, but getting that way. I have given up on the friendship but it does upset me a bit how sometimes she is all over me and at other times she looks at me like I'm covered in poo and goes out of her way to avoid me. I don't make any effort with her now btw, I do reply when she sends me messages and of course always talk if I see her but I don't seek her out to talk to her or instigate any texts etc as I cannot be bothered. She doesn't seem off with anyone else at all, in fact she's all smiles and chatty with others all the time

The problem lies with her, not you. Just keep telling yourself that.

If I were you, I'd just stay 'cold' all the time. Treat her with courtesy but don't try to socialise with her or treat her like a mate.

Any chance she has something else going on in her life,such as depression,so that there are times she cant cope with all the socialising?

She seems to be socialising fine with others when she's in these moods though, it's just me she ignores.

Thanks for the replies everyone btw

I am generally quite 'off' with her now, never rude but treat her as an acquaintance more than a friend. I was very upset when she originally just turned on me that I could never forget that and just act like I did before with her. I find it really bizarre that she just expects me to forget it and carry on.

I agree amillionyears ....if its a regular 'thing' that keeps happening then perhaps there is something going on in her life that is effecting her behaviour towards others and she could be this way with everyone not just you.

You're obviously bothered by her actions so just ask her if she is ok ...and then lead up to how you're feeling! She may have a very valid reason (which hopefully you wont feel bad about).

Star x

You have already asked her though, so I wouldn't pursue it anymore. Just keep doing what you are doing.

She sounds like far too much hard work, I'd just make the decision to end the friendship yourself and not engage with her.

No she's definitely not like it with others. I don't mind if she doesn't like me and have come to accept we can't be proper friends again but I don't get all the up and down. I like to know where I am with people. I suffer from depression myself, and don't treat anyone as she has treated me

PedanticPanda, yes!! That is is exactly, she is very hard work. I don't want to be constantly worrying about what I've done wrong or not done or whatever, I just like an easy life.

so when she's all over you, why not try not to respond to that and stay noticeably distant? I wonder what she'd do then. If she complained you could tell her then that you aer not a puppet and can't be switching on and off like that when suits her?

I had a very good friend who was extremely unreliable and selfish and let me down in every possible way and I got so frustrated about it and gave her chance after chance ... in the end it got too much for me and I just stopped getting in touch. A year down the line (after no contact) and she comes to be me (following rehab) and I didnt know she'd had a problem .... it all made sense the ups and downs and the selfishness etc and behind it all, she was involved in drugs, quite badly!

I think only you can make the decision of whether or not to continue with the friendship ...sounds like you dont really want this hassle so just end the friendship completely ....take her off your FB list etc and dont worry about it any further!

Good luck x

She does sound odd OP. Her behaviour is certainly trying to gain some sort of control over you for some reason.

Sounds like you're doing exactly the right things though.

Thanks again everyone. tonneofbricks, I try to remain fairly distant and vague with her when she's being all nice, I don't know if that's why she goes off and gets the hump again though lol

Is she in a sort of a "click" with others you know?

just be direct when she's nice and say you can't be on and off like that, then she can't justify 'getting the hump'. You can actually say that you found her behaviour upsetting and this is the reason you are more distant. That is if you want to build bridges still, as she may want 'the talk' then and decide whether you aer just friendly consistently or you both don't bother with more than a 'hi'.

Not particularly, although of course we do have mutual friends, all of whom think she's great and are happy to go along with her attention seeking.

she is very hard work. I don't want to be constantly worrying about what I've done wrong

Why do you think it has to be something that you've done? It's not about you. Her issues are her issues. However she treats you, and the varying ways in which she treats you, are her choice.

So no, you don't need to "constantly be worrying about what you've done wrong".

V. good point, HotDAMN :)