Will AntiDepressants really make it all better (sorry - long)?

[namechanger56]

This is a genuine question and I would be interested/grateful in any responses. (Sorry have name changed to protect my otherwise sparkly and well known NN on other chatboards)

DH and I going through a bad patch. We've been here before but now we have DC to add to the equation. Had an almighty row on Sunday which was just tip of the iceberg really and opened up the floodgates of a whole lot more.

The problem really is me. I set myself unrealistic or overly high standards on everything - my job, the way we bring up DC, the house, etc. I just can't seem to really relax and enjoy the moment and don't think I really ever have. I had depression in my teens and again really badly after DC1 and wonder now whether the way I am and way I feel is a symptom of being depressed again and whether AD are the answer. I have always refused AD as I am stubborn and afraid - of what however I don't know. Perhaps reliance on them for the rest of my life, side effects, etc

My whole life is my DC and my job and I suppose DH has slipped into the background as a result. I take on the lion's share of everything and deal with the DC's drop offs in the morning, pick ups in the afternoon, food shopping, washing, ironing and all of the household budget.

DH is a wonderful man and does help with the housework at weekends and helps as much as he can with DC in the week despite him working long hours in a stressful job. My job is also very stressful as I am at a high level position and I am about to go back after a break for maternity leave.

I am panicking about how we will cope esp with child care given that our eldest is about to start school shortly. There is a school in the village (we live in a rural area) but our other DC are still in nursery which is an hour long round trip from our house. We have no family living nearby to help us out with drop offs or pick ups of DC so I know that this will be all on me as DH already works long hours which for him are non negotiable.

We have discussed alternative childcare such as a nanny or childminder but DC1 has absolutely blossomed at the nursery and I want the same for our other DC and worry that any alternative will not be as good. I have also heard bad stories about the local childminder (favouritism of own DC over other children, too long spent in cars doing pick ups of school runs, etc) so this is very much at the forefront of my mind and putting me off this as an alternative. This leaves us with a potential nanny situation but then my HV put me off this saying that they are not qualified and went on to give me horror stories about the same.

I was open to alternative childcare other than my preference of the nursery but having had unwanted advice from others, it has clouded my judgement and made me not want to change the status quo for our other DC hence DH stating that I am always too negative and not wanting to find answers to this issue.

Our latest row started as a result of tiredness ? one of our DC is still not sleeping through and I was just exhausted at being the only one dealing with the broken nights. DH has since got up over the past 2 nights so is trying to help knowing that I was so exhausted. Yet as stated, this row has opened up the floodgates of a lot more.

I love my DC and I love my DH and I am so sad that we seem to have drifted apart so much since having DC.

I feel lonely to be honest, more lonely than I have ever been. I have drifted away from our close friends as they have all now had DC and it is difficult to travel the 3 hours to see most of them although we do keep in contact via calls every other month. I have no real close friends to home either so work has become the only part of me that is still me, if you know what I mean and perhaps this is why I am reluctant to let it go and am always wanting to excel in meeting my goals so they don't contemplate getting rid of me.

My DH has told me to give up work and be a SAHM if that makes me happy or to take up the gym again or another hobby etc and he will look after the DC to give me a break but I just cannot seem to find the time and then we argue that I am always making excuses. We have also discussed DH giving up his job to be a SATD and this is something that he would consider as we could just about live on my salary alone albeit, there would be no holidays etc for a few years.

Life just feels like a bit of a treadmill to be honest, like groundhog day, every day. DH and I very rarely go out together since having DC, sex is an absolute no go, we have not had a holiday for over 3 years and we are fast becoming strangers with the only thing in common being our DC.

The last thing I want is to lose my DH as I love him so much and I just could not bear what damage a breakup would do to our wonderful DC. He also does not want to break up but agrees that we cannot go on the way we have been.

I have concluded that I am the one that needs to change and learn to let things go a little more as well as trying to salvage our relationship by finding time for the two of us, doing something only for me like going back to the gym or evening class, and being more open to sorting out our childcare issues.

This has been slightly long winded and I apologise for that but could AD be the answer in the short term? Has anyone been in similar circumstances and found that AD really helped them let go of the small things/be more relaxed in general? I would really be grateful for any other shared experiences.

My feeling is that there's plenty of things that are making you tired, exhausted and over-emotional. You may be depressed, AD's may help, but your frustration, exhaustion and indeed low mood sounds logical to me, given the demands on you and the demands on your time. If these are changed/relieved, I think you might feel a whole lot better.

I've got a couple of comments, as there's lots of parts to your story.

One is that you can't go back to work and do an hour round trip twice a day to that nursery, that way madness lies (if traffic bad, children ill/stressed/vomiting, just usual everyday stuff that really interferes with life). So, that needs a solution. With three children (is it three?) a nanny or an aupair/mother's help is a must, an aupair won't do sole care, but they would drop your younger ones at a childminders. A nanny would do all the care and probably the school run. I really don't see how you can carry on being in two places at once: who will take your oldest DC to school if you are driving to nursery?

Your husband is right, this needs sorting. But, it sounds like you are too tired to think of a solution! Let go your reservations about how great nursery is and how bad a nanny would be and start looking for one immediately. Go and visit the local childminder and make up your own mind. You need to make your childcare more local, and have back up in place, otherwise you are going to find it very difficult to meet your work committments which will make you more anxious.

By the way, if your job is high profile, and demanding, why does your husband say he can't move his meetings and it's all down to you to do the nursery run?

I don't think you can have two high-fliers without extra help at home, cleaner minimum a couple of times a week, and a nanny/childcare nearby to your home so if you have a sick child, you can work from home.

All of this doesn't really address your mental health, or your relationship, but my feeling is that that will right itself if you get the practicalities of life sorted more, so that you have more time to rest and relax and do things together. Small children and busy jobs make for a tiring time and you need to treat yourself gently.

Anti-depressants treat depression i.e. a chemical imbalance. They don't treat 'life'. If your anxiety about being the perfect mother is symptomatic of depression then the ADs could help alleviate that aspect, but they won't stop your baby being up all night or the feeling of groundhog day 'normality' that all parents of young families experience. However, if you knock the underlying anxiety on the head, the rest may be easier to cope with.

It does sound as though you need to take some time out as an individual, a couple and a family. It also sounds as though you both want things to improve which is a good thing. Means everyone is willing to make an effort.

Over the last several years OP I've had AD's on-and-off, and have some understanding of pharmacotherapy and its applications. In my experience, no, AD's won't help you. The purpose of AD's it to elevate your mood, esp in depression, where a very low mood leads to an individual making poor life decisions.

Are you actually depressed at the moment? Are you having trouble enjoying things that you would normally enjoy? On a scale of 1 (being very very sad) and 10 (being ecstatic), where would you put yourself?

Having said that OP, I think that you are experiencing some anxiety because of your perfectionism. You have said "I set myself unrealistic or overly high standards on everything" - as a fellow perfectionist, I have some understanding of where you are coming from. Perfectionism can also lead to being a bit of a control freak, as you want to ensure that you have the perfect outcome all the time.

It might be best if you talk to your GP - at the very least, a GP who is good at diagnosing will help point you in the right direction. I hesitate to give an online diagnosis, but it may transpire that you need counselling on how to change yourself so that you can learn to let go (at least some of) the perfectionism, as well as working on some of the other traits you described above. It seems that you need to set yourself some personal growth goals, but I commend you on recognising that you need to change.

Hope this helps.

Thank you for your comments. I just feel so down about it all that sometimes it's difficult to see the solution that is right in front of you. I know that the childcare situation needs sorting as does some help around the house which we currently don't have. Perhaps then my DH and I will have a chance to get back to how we were.

Am sobbing as I write this as I just don't want me to be the one that blows our family apart and the effect that this may have on our lovely DC. I just feel so inadequate on every single level in my life and I am struggling at present to keep a lid on how I really feel. I know there's no such thing as perfect so I don't know why I strive so hard for it. I have had depression and PND in the past and can feel myself slipping back down into that if I don't pull myself together soon. My job is high level and akin to being in a pressure cooker and to be honest, I would like to find something else although is a bit niche so there are no comparable jobs out there at the moment. I would really like to retrain and work for myself doing something completely different so perhaps that is an option for me.

Your comments are appreciated so thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'll come back to them and your advice a bit later today when I'm not as emotional as I am at present . Thank you once again. x

they may help you cope in the short term, but if you don't deal with the root causes then they are not a long term solution

Have you considered therapy? It sounds not as though you're depressed but as though you're suffering from very low self-esteem.

Taking an hour a week to talk about your problems, your feelings of never being good enough can have really great results.

" My job is high level and akin to being in a pressure cooker and to be honest, I would like to find something else "

A good friend of mine was about as high-flying as they come and very well respected in a specialist field of accountancy. After three DC she swapped it all for a light clerical role with a local one-man business. She is totally overqualified for it but it allows her to be closer to home, work hours that fit with school and spend more time with her husband. They are much more relaxed as a family.

Hi yellow/sosad I have wondered about counselling and whether this may be a solution for me in learning the skills to letting go.

I'll look this up and see what's available as I can't continue with the way things are and don't want DC to be picking up any of my traits/screw ups as they grow up.

hi Cognito. That has crossed my mind also as I wonder whether I would be happier continuing to be the one dealing with drop offs and pick ups to nursery and school (if I am completely honest, it would and perhaps this is why I am finding excuses for alternatives) and finding a job with less hours doing something different closer to home as a result. It's certainly one of the solutions for us.

DH and I are going to sit down and talk things through calmly this evening after all the DC are in bed so I really appreciate all of you taking time to post ideas/suggestions as I am just too close to it all to truly be objective. Thank you once again.x

I think it is really useful. I have had therapy for a long time and I honestly noticed results straight away.

Even just the act of taking the time out and talking about me without feeling guilty raised my self esteem.

I think it's necessary to find someone who is a good fit though. I had one woman who'd just sit in silence while I sobbed. I always left feeling worse than when I went in. My current therapist is great and I always leave feeling better and with stuff to think about.

Does it help you to post on here as well? I think there are always people here willing to listen and relate.

Awww sweetie, I feel for you. If you feel that you are slipping down into depression, then its great that you have reached out, even if its just to get some opinions on the internet from us . In your case, a short term dose of AD's might help you get back on track.

You are not inadequate, and the fact that you have lovely DC, a cherished DH, and a high powered, pressue cooker job proves that. However the fact that you feel inadequate is a self-esteem issue that counselling can help with. This feeling of inadequacy can also lead to problems as your perfectionism struggles with this, so you don't reward youself when something goes well. And the internal critiscism of yourself continues. Counselling can help with this too.

Anyway, hope you get some sleep tonight.....

I should have added that my friend's DH already works from home, is a real 'modern man', they have au pairs and nannies etc. Everyone was pulling their weight and they had plenty of help, in other words. So her decision to radically change tack with career was entirely made to improve her quality of life and, by extension, her family's.

your hv is talking rubbish - many nannies are ofsted registered. and like everything else it depends on the individual but there are good ones around.
if you can afford a nanny get a nanny and use the nursery too.

if you have room for au pair get an au pair.

and discuss with gp whether ADs are appropriate but counselling or a life coach type person might be good to try first so you can talk thru and wok out what you want.

but for practical issues - get some help in !

I would agree with yellowraincoat that you need some talking therapy rather than chemicals (not to decry ADs, I took them a few years ago and they were exactly what I needed at the time). You need to explore why you feel this overwhelming compulsion to over-achieve and why everything has to be on your shoulders to sort out. But... just now it would only feel like one other demand on your time!

Basically, like everyone including your DH is saying, you have too much on your plate at the moment. It's all very well to have a demanding job and a household to run... then a baby comes along... then another... then they start growing and needing more time... the demands just grow and grow, but however hard you work, there will never be more hours in the day. So obviously something's got to give eventually. You're worried at the moment that the "something" is going to be your marriage/family life. OK, that would be a very bad thing.

So, what would be a less bad thing to lose? Give up work for a couple of years, or work part-time? Do that thing with the re-training, but take a little time before throwing yourself into study, until your DCs are both settled at school? Do you really need, or genuinely love, to live in a village with an hour's round trip to a decent nursery and three hours away from your friends, or do you just think it's where you ought to want to live? Bit drastic perhaps to talk about moving house, but if it would make your life easier it's worth thinking about.

It's not all on your shoulders, you know. You say you have to do all the changing, you have to work it out; but you have a life partner and co-parent who, by the sound of things, is not so daft nor yet totally insensitive. Yes, he's busy, but he has already made suggestions which may help and has shown he is willing to back you up. He could be very helpful if you let him, not just with household chores or night wakings but with constructive ideas. He doesn't want to see you all frazzled, not just because he's missing out on a loving relationship but because, presumably, he actually does give a damn about you as a person. Which is rather nice.

I also agree you need somewhere to vent all this stuff. You sound like me, you look successful on the surface, but things can overwhelm you and you can feel, as a working mum in a pressured job, like you are doing nothing properly, not being a good employee, wife, mother, even friend as you are too busy all round.

I would definitely consider counselling, just one hour a week where you get to talk about you and your issues and I think the ways forward in how you need to set up your life to cope much better will emerge as you talk. I went to a counsellor on the NHS for only six weeks and it massively changed my outlook as I heard myself saying outloud the situation I was in and immediately I could see what needed changing (I also cried lots, probably as stress-relief). It was only six weeks, but it made a big difference to me, I think it would really help you (and don't wait for the NHS, if you can afford it).

I think you feel such a long way from having a successful life, but actually, if you can get back on top of your anxiety, and fix the practicalities of everyday life, in terms of getting much more help in the house/childcare, and/or one of you being based at home more, I really think a happy future could be just round the corner for you.