niggling doubts

[ChristianGrey]

DP and I have been together for four years, we have no children.

I am starting to wonder whether he and I can 'go the distance', in our house he doesn't do any cleaning, you know the kind of cleaning which keeps things looking fresh

He very rarely will cook a meal and often makes comments about how I am being a proper house wife if he finds me tidying in the house which I tell him off for

We don't have sex very often.

I am at a bit of a cross roads in life because I am 30 and I'm really attached to him, we are in love but no matter how much I scream and shout/ be proactive to change things it never really does- our point of homoeostasis is just ticking along, mainly as good friends.

But you can't just have a baby with someone because you feel you're at the the right age, if the relationship wont work with a baby invloved then what happens?

Sorry I'm not being very clear, I just worry that if I do get pregnant I will be stuck with someone and these niggles will turn into big regrets and resentments.

I just feel like either he changes himself or I end it.

Thanks for reading

hes not going to change, if you need more I suggest you finish it and look elsewhere

Hi

i think you are already past the niggling stage, and are fully in to the resentment and regret bit, sometimes admitting that is the hardest part, because what you have to do next can seem huge, maybe spell out to him that if things dont change then its over, at least you will see his commitment for what it is, or not as the case maybe.

I'd cut your losses and end it, if things aren't equal now, they never will be. You cant change him. There are plenty of lovely men out there who take equal responsibility to their partners and pull their weight. Why settle for someone who treats you like this?

He's unlikely to change, unless he sees a good reason to.

10-15 years ago I probably pulled less than my fair share of chores. These days I probably do more "housework" than my GF, she ends up working (at home) most evenings, especially this time of year, so I will do the ironing, cleaning, washing etc while she's working. I tend to feel guilty if I'm sat watching TV while she's doing reports/marking/etc. But we're a partnership, and as long as both of us feel we're doing a fair share, that's what matters.

What's changed in the last 10-15 years? I've got married, had a child, gone through a divorce and am in a new relationship. There have been some really shit times, but through it I've grown up and taken responsibility for myself.

You can't change him, but you can make it clear what will happen if things don't change. You have to take responsibility for that and stick by it, while ever he has the option to live in a "hotel" and be waited on, he's very unlikely to change.

And he may never change, or he may just change for a while and slip back. If he's not pulling his weight now, he's not going to suddenly up his game when a baby comes along.

A baby triples the chores workload in a household, if you have a baby with him you will feel more resentful really quickly.
He also sounds sexist, do you want that as an exmaple of how to behave for your children?
I think you are making too many compromises now, being good friends is not the same as having a good romantic relationship.
If the relationship ended you could be out finding a man you do want to have children with.

OP, I think you need to sit down with your H and have a chat about a few things:

1. His view of the roles of a husband and wife in a marriage, as his views seem to be rather 'traditional'
2. The division of labour in your household currently, and how he can contribute more
3. The changes that will come about if/when you have a child, and what he will do to make sure he pull his weight beyond bringing in an income for the family. Because he has more than the one role of breadwinner when you have children.

If this discussion goes well, then ask him to put together an action plan/list of activities that he will do to ensure that he fulfills his end of the bargain. It doesn't need to be long - 3/4-1 A4 page of activities is more than enough. Then a month or so into working through the list, you can double check to see if it is happening.

Good luck

As others say he really unlikely to change (I assume he's around the same age as you). I have found that around 28/30 is the age that most people finally understand who they are and this is the real growing up stage. I suspect you are now at the stage where you can articulate what you want in a partner - maybe look at what your ideal partner traits would be and compare to what your partner offers. What we look for in a partner in our teens or early 20's is usually very different to the partner we eventually want to settle down with.

You may simply have grown into people who want different things. He may have traditional views of households which he only he can change. Having a baby with amplify these feelings and the differences. It's not easy to split up but it's certainly 1000% easier if you don't have children.

Why would he change? It's all fine from his pov. Have you thought of couple counselling? Have a chat with him and let him know how dissatisfied you are and that you are considering ending it. This may jog him into thinking about how he is/is not contributing.

You could draw up a list of chores and allocate them. Some people apparently don't know what to do and need guidance.

If he's like this now he'll be unbearable the minute a baby comes along. 'Proper housewife'? Arse.

Any niggles you have now will grow exponentially if you are foolish enough to have dc with this throwback to a bygone age.

Buy him a pinny and a pair of Marigolds, tell him to be a 'proper man around the house', and make it clear that the futue of your marriage depends on his ability to drag himself kicking and screaming into an equal relationship with an equal division of labour and equal free time for both of you which you expect to continue through parenthood and beyond.

Don't listen to any biological clock you may have chiming in the background. No matter how much you may persuade yourself that you 'love' this man, he won't be fit to be a df until he's grown up and out of his antiquated view of the male/female dynamic.

IMO when healthy young childfree couples don't 'have sex very often' it suggests that core relationships have run their course and love and passion have given way to habit.

If you settle for familiarity over love it opens the door to contempt and may lead to affairs further down the line.

FWIW, if I were in a relationship where I felt constrained to 'scream and shout' to bring about short lived change, I'd spare my voice by voting with my feet.

Thank you all so much for your help, I find it very difficult to imagine ending our relationship, it is the first relationship I have had with someone who has become part of my family and with whom I feel so relaxed.

It's hard to imagine just ending it- it seems pointlessly destructive.

My sub-concious is telling me that it would be damage limitation to end things before they get horrible, but I don't want to hear it at the moment.

I just wish there was a way around these difficulties.

Thank you all for your thoughts, I will mull them over for a while.