Finally realising that I need to cut of my mum and s-dad so how in God's name do I?

[underthevalley]

DP has been telling me for years that I should cut my mum, step-dad and that side of my family out.

Now being pregnant, their reactions to that and our getting married, their views on me and DP, their views of me. I have got to the point where I now realise he is right. (also from what some of you lot said to a previous post) I also know that if I don't do it before DS comes I wont. And DP and DS will have to come first.

So basically how on earth do you cut people out when it is your mum and step-dad?

Well it just kind of happened with my family. I made an "appointment" with my parents one day to speak things over with them. I asked them several questions about how they really feel about me, and they were literally falling over themselves to agree that indeed I am a bad daughter, can't make any right decisions, I am a bad mother, and not a good wife. I said I need time to think things over and after a few more unpleasant emails, and my husband screening the phonecalls, everything has now settled into we only see eachother at funerals. It does help that I live in a different country from them. I am much happier, and they are still playing their favourite game of martyr.

I'm the same more in that they still live abroad (back home for me) but I also have 3 brothers who still live there (one is still at home with them) and I don't want to cut them out (s-dad is there dad)

I don't know what previous thread you are referring to, but if it was me, I would not do anything overtly aggressive. However, I would make no overtures, initiate nothing, issue no invites. And if any initiative comes from them, I would respond politely but in an uncommitted way.

Why has DP been telling you to cut them out?

I cut out my mother and stepfather when I was pregnant with dd.

I did it by letter, saying in a very factual way, why I didn't want to have anything to do with them anymore, because mum is a nasty piece of work and my stepdad likes little girls--

Then I just didn't respond to any letters, calls or texts. Be absolutely firm about what you are doing, and do not be talked out of it or pressured or push. No contact means exactly that, or they will gradually get round you, be nice for a bit and then shit on you. Sorry, I know I'm thinking more about my own experience there!

Get your dh to 'shield' you for as long as you need it, permaneantly if you like. If they ring, hand the phone to him, or put it down. Make sure he knows to say 'underthevalley doesn't want to speak to you, bye.'

I'm not going to ask you if you are really sure, I doubt you would have got to this point unless there were good reasons.

If my daughter got her husband to shield me from her I would become extremely suspicious that he might be controlling her and I would direct my anger at him and never understand what's going on. I can understand that in certain circumstances this may be necessary but I can't help thinking that it's deceptive and not helpful in the long run. Far better to manage the relationship yourself, learn how to cut off conversations at the right time, learn how to prevent yourself getting involved. Learn how to say 'I'll call you after half term/at Christmas' etc. That way they are off your back until you say when.

Cutting her out when you want to retain contact with your brothers will also be difficult and possibly self-defeating. Sorry I don't know the back-story so can't be of more help.

I agree with notnanny. I've experienced two very close examples of people 'cutting off' parents and, whilst the parents involved were pretty horrible people, the unintended consequences were quite severe. Other family members took sides, for example, so they not only lost parents but large parts of their extended families. In both cases, the estranged children struggled psychologically with their decision. Ultimately, they managed to reconcile before the parents died - one after 40 years - but I know the regrets continue. As a result of seeing that dynamic in action, I tend to think that managing the contact, distancing yourself emotionally and limiting your involvement is better than a complete cut.

What you need to do is 'me' work where you examine your family and look at them completely honestly.
Do they speak with care and respect?
Do they show love and concern?
Are they critical or are they non-judgemental?
Do they say a lot of horrible things as 'jokes'?

When you put them out point to point, you can then know how it all makes you feel, and what you can stand or not tolerate. When you have a child your protectiveness tends to help you be stronger.

There are good books about toxic/controlling parents, read them and do the work.
It hurts and it is hard, but the wonderful thing is that you then have no desire to pass the hurt on to your own children.

Good luck. Never go on an all-out attack, just withdraw and look for support amongst your friends/husband's family. Usually people are so self-absorbed they won't notice you aren't around to take a swing at. Then you can see your brothers in your own home?

Thanks.

Because not he has seen how they treat me and how much I don't like them and because he knows they don't accept him and won't accept any DC's we are or will have.

abit no basically to all of those questions.

My childhood was full of emotional abuse and I was a pretty messed up kid.
S-dad hates me (which is even harder because he is the only 'dad' I have known-my da died) my mum hates me because I'm too much like my da. She has never shown that she loves me, never protected me from s-dad and actually is a mean mean bitch to me.
They are also gun-toting racists - I am not and that was the world that I grew up in and I hate it.
Which is the reason they hate DP (on paper he should fit with what they want for me) he's black. We have been too to many family things when DP is made to feel awkward and 3rd class. He is right he doesn't deserve that and our DS most certainly won't.

They also don't like or accept that I moved out of home before I finished high school, or that I moved to the UK straight away, or my choice of career, or my religion (same as my da they didn't even come to my first communion and are refusing to come to our wedding)