how to move forward?

[peppapiglet]

divorced in April after 3 yrs separated and 13 yrs together. met partner over a year ago. started casual but lots of issues with his ex wife re contact with his son, he suffered depression, took medical payoff from his job. i know he wasnt for me but i kept it going, perhaps just to low self esteem, excitement i dont know. finished relationship and found out i was pregnant, he did know. crazy time over a couple of weeks then had miscarriage, was considering abortion but the decision was taken away. he was emotionally abusive towards me. I dont think i will ever hear from him again, but i am now playing "catch up". its really hitting me. feeling low and a "panic" keeps coming over me. i am keeping busy. i have 4 yr old ds.
he called me all sorts and i was gobsmacked, very hurt. he tried to restrain me leaving his property and shouted and swore with horrible aggressive look on his face. im not sleeping from thinking about this. someone i partly started to trust, however he was overpowering and domineering and gave ultimatums. Im just not this sort of person and found it v difficult to deal with. i am fairly outgoing, but he was the type would walk into a place and talk to total strangers, he didnt regularly go out with friends, he went on his own and i began to be his only focus. i felt very pressured all the time. he would interupt when i spoke, i think due to his nerves though? iyswim. he was very possessive and paranoid. to be honest i feel put off from men for life. my ex husband was controlling aswell and i wonder how i end up with this type?
i dont know what im looking for, but i want to move on from this and im struggling. where do i start? i keep crying on and off but mostly im keeping going. i think ive kept it all in as i havent had the personal space to deal with it. now he has gone it has hit me :-(

sorry piglet. it is hard but you will rebuild, grief is a strange thing...it hits us out of the blue sometimes. be kind to yourself ((((((hug)))))) and hope you can find some RL help too

I think you would probably benefit from attending the Freedom Programme. It's a free group course for women who have been through abusive relationships, to help them come to grips with what happened, and avoid the same type of dominating and controlling man going forward.

Take care of yourself.

I actually think it's progress that you spent 13 years with your ex husband, but saw through your last boyfriend in a relatively short space of time. I'm sorry you're suffering from the delayed shock of your experience but it means you're learning to recognise the danger signals and trust your judgement. I'm sure that if you met someone tomorrow displaying any of the same behaviour you'd be able to spot it straight away.

If you want to move on, put yourself firmly #1 and focus on making a life for yourself that is man-free, independent and rewarding. Keeping busy is a great start. The more you build your self-esteem and confidence as an independent woman, the less tolerant you will be of people (men included) that don't meet your standards. Also, the better the example you'll set to your little daughter that women can be strong and self-reliant. If you got together with your ex husband at a young age (guessing) this is your chance to mature and get to know yourself. Once you are happy in your skin, abusive men won't get a look in. Good luck

Good advice so far, have you got anyone you can talk with in RL, a shoulder to cry on. It's great that you took action on this, but I can understand that you feel awful now, you are right it's delayed reaction, probably not just to this last relationship but the past 13 years. Talk with someone.

Hi
thanks for your messages yesterday. A fault (i think its a fault) of mine is i keep things "in".. this had been going on for some time and i put a "brave face" on, almost denying myself of my own feelings. My manager even had me in a meeting and said i wasnt myself and was very distracted. i feel embarrassed around collegues and im sure they are thinking, wtf? no-one knows about the pregnancy/miscarriage, it was only confirmed 1st June. The ex boyfriend told my mother, i felt my privacy was completely violated, and for me, she was the worst person to tell. she hasnt mentioned it to me and i have to see her a couple of times a week. i am still going to relate on my own. i have been keeping very busy and that has got me through since the weekend. how do you cope with delayed reaction? the freedom programme.. i'll look it up.
CogitoErgoSometimes, you are so right, i was getting so confident and happier, which is probably how i had the confidence to have new relationship. However, the new P was completely the opposite to exH. The councellor said lots of people find themselves in unsuitable relationships after divorce. At least i didnt make the mistake of marrying him. how can someone almost take over your thoughts and manipulate you without you realising it is happening :-( i am an honest, decent person and i feel like i have been walked all off. the things exP came out with were unbelievable. i know he felt rejected and hurt, however there is no excuse for that. he told me to fuck off in the street in front of people. i felt so embarrassed and shocked, i just put my head down.. my confidence is low and i havent been able to look at a man of similar age since.. i put my head down :-(

"how can someone almost take over your thoughts and manipulate you without you realising it is happening"

They take advantage (consciously or otherwise) of the things you described earlier i.e. denying your own feelings, putting on a brave face. They also take advantage of your honesty, decency, good nature & willingness to see the best in others and make allowances for their bad behaviour. These are not bad character traits - quite the opposite - but a particular type of person will treat them as a weakness to be exploited. If you're reluctant to share your feelings with others you risk becoming emotionally isolated - and that also makes it difficult to work out what's normal.

Everyone's life involves good and bad experiences. If you learn from the mistakes you can continue your life older and wiser. That's how we mature and develop as people. So there is no need to be embarrassed or stop looking people in the eye just because you've had a bad experience. You're going to be more cautious from now on. You're going to enjoy your independence. You are older and wiser. You ditched the guy, you're strong and you're a suvivor... and I think that makes you pretty admirable.

thank you CES.
Why do these people do it though? take advantage?
I did have a "gut" feeling from the start about him, but as you said made "allowances"
I dont want to be reluctant to share my feelings, quite the opposite, however i seem to go in a "shell" and i dont know why..
I live under a constant pressure with my mother who lives quite close and i rely on her to some extent with childcare. she is emotionally distant and toxic for me, she also undermines me and my confidence, she never says anything nice, not that i am looking for it anymore. If I have achieved x, it is well, why havent you done y and z. give me a chance! nothing is ever good enough. everything is about her. so i have her to deal with. when i said about her meeting new P, she screwed up her face and said outright "no"... very weird.. why would she do that.. my exH and new P found her difficult to deal with. my brother and sil do however they are in another country. when she did meet new P, she liked him... hmm. she says things like "all men are like that" etc. a bit of a generalisation... she also contradicts herself all of the time, it changes form day to day, i cant keep up. i am mid 30s ffs..
wish i could get exP off my mind, keep looking at photos, was taken in by his good looks. you would never think from a photo how he is/was...
very thoughtful today, not a teary, at the moment :-)

People take advantage because they are that kind of person. You're either the sort that chases after the old lady to return the fiver she dropped or you're the sort that pockets the fiver.

Hi Peppa, I'm sorry that you went through this. Its horrible, isn't it?

The reason why a person abuses is that they get certain pay-offs from abusing. For example, the first time my ex emotionally abused me, he said that I 'did not make him feel loved in this relationship' (which was bull shit btw). Of course that resulted in me trying to show him more love. Similarly, this ex also said if was my fault that our relationship was a 4/10 (more bs), in an effort to make me work harder in the relationship, so that he gets more out of it.

So the abuser is looking for a certain response or actions from the abused which is their pay-off.

Hi
i thought i'd give an update. I have still being keeping very busy and it is slowly sinking in what has happened. i cannot believe how much confidence i have lost because of this person. I wonder around and wonder if others have been through this, look at certain people and wonder, or wonder if it is just me and how i deal with things. i am sure i am not unique in this, i cant be. I feel like my life isnt real, as crazy as that sounds, detached and everyone seems to be getting on with their busy lives. i keeping thinking about the pregnancy and then think it was not even 4 weeks ago the m/c was confirmed. i have not heard from exP at all. i keep thinking about him, looking at his pictures, thinking i love him, which in a certain way I did, however i know the relationship was unhealthy for me. I really dont want this to progress to depression which i have been prone to and hope it is a temporary "blip" that may just last a few weeks/couple of months. I really do not think i can go through the heartache again of a relationship. For anyone out there, if you spot any of the classic "red flags" that i only learnt about on here, PLEASE take action. I gave the benefit of the doubt. Yet i dont think he is a "bad" person as such, just mixed up and had gone through a stressful time himself. But there was NO excuse for the abuse, which has emotionally scarred me (for now) although i hope to get over this.. i wish someone could take this feeling away from me :-(