Trying to get dh to listen

[itsthequietones]

When we first got together 12 or so years ago dh and I used to talk about all sorts of stuff. We'd have discussions, chat about everyday stuff, actually communicate. Roll forwards to now, he talks about work, his family, his hobby, how he's feeling, his problems. When I reply he'll listen for a while, but if I speak for too long then he shuts off and ignores me. If I begin to talk about anything going on in my life he'll ignore me or give me one word answers. If anything is upsetting me he'll listen for a bit then turn the conversation around to him. It seems as though I'm ok for a sounding board but that's about it. I've brought this up many times and he says that he isn't interested in 'mundane' stuff or that he didn't realise he was doing it. He'll be ok for a couple of days then it's back to normal. I don't know what else to do really, I don't want to be ignored.

He's not interested. I'd return the favour and cut him off short next time he starts talking about his problems. If he complains, tell him he's being boring. He'll either start listening or you'll end up in companionable silence.

Him not listening to you means the two of you can't communicate properly. Have you thought about going to Relate?
My dh doesn't listen, and dismisses everything I say. After going to Relate (just started) he understands that this is really hurtful, has made me feel unloved and so now he is trying to improve. Dinner out for two is good, because there are no distractions, my dh has to listen!

I agree with Cogito, give him a taste of his own medicine and see how he likes it.

How will giving him a taste of his own medicine help? Surely that will make a bad situation worse, with a total breakdown of all communication. Lack of communication kills relationships (speaks from bitter experience).

Cogito and Cailin - I've already tried ignoring him, not asking how he is etc. It doesn't seem to bother him. He just drops any pretence of conversation and avoids even looking at me. He won't try to find out if anything is wrong, instead he just waits for me to bring it up.
Worrydog - I'm overseas and there isn't any relate or similar here. I can't even find a couples counsellor. If we go out for a meal it's just the same, he'll talk about what he wants to and looks off into space when I speak.
Hiding - you're right, it does kill relationships, I'm at a loss what to do though. He only takes notice for a short time then reverts back to 'normal'.

It's so demoralising knowing that my other half isn't interested in anything I think or say. He doesn't like me does he? What's the point?

When you used to talk about all sorts of things,was this before you married him.And did he used to listen to you after you married him?
Is your relationship ok in other ways?
you also say he is ok for a couple of days,and then goes back to normal.So you could try putting little notes in places where he can see them,as reminders.It seems a bit childish,but if it is a genuine case of him forgetting,then he wont then be able to.
Looking at it from the other point of view,I have to confess to slightly talking less to my DH than I would like,as he comes from a family who will happily sit through most of a meal in almost silence which almost does my head in

You don't talk about DCs, OP, so I'll assume there are none and will risk MN outrage to give you a French tip for this type of problem; make him jealous.

I am not suggesting that you go off and have an affair, but that you notice male attention when out with DH, and if you feel like it, encourage it (with subtility and discretion of course).
Other tricks include renaming girlfriends with male names on your phone and looking thoughtful when reading their texts, sending yourself a bunch of flowers, and generally looking very happy, distracted and intriguingly well groomed and attractive at all times.
And never, never, have a heart to heart, honest, conversation with DH, admitting that you set all this up only to get his attention again.

I know, it sounds like a lot hard work and very silly, but it worked very well for my friend, whose husband came back to heels, panting for her attention.

Me? It seemed too much of trick to play on my fundamentally good egg of a husband. So I played fair, appealed to his good nature, our relationship, blabla.
A few years down the line, we never have conversations, about anything, ever, unless it's about him, and I can be bothered.

He's obviously blocking you out - excluding you. Exclusion is a form of bullying, equivalent to turning your back on someone that you say hello to. This is serious, it's not acceptable but if you want anything to change you need to sit back and watch in order to find out what his motivation for doing this is. I think he's doing it actively, although he may not know why. My gut feeling from what you have said so far is that he's testing you, but he may be doing it because he's lost in himself somehow.

How much do you have in common these days?

Do you spend a lot of time together? Share any hobbies or interests?

Does he show any interest in you in ways other than listening?

Just wondering if this is part of a bigger pattern of disinterest and detachment, or if it's just a listening issue.

It's even worse OP. He doesn't respect you enough to put his own concerns aside for a small amount of time so that you get heard. He's telling you that he doesn't see you as a special individual who should be loved and respected in your marriage. If he did, he would not consider your voice 'mundane' and unimportant. So much so, that he feels that its OK to ignore your voice, and just go on and on about himself.

If you can't get to couples counselling, can you get some counselling for yourself, so that you can air this with an objective person? Its very sad when you don't have a voice in your own marriage

amillion - he started doing this after we'd been together for 2 years. We had a big, big, bust up and he was ok for about another 4 years. Since we had the 2 dc's he's been pretty much ignoring me on and off.

agale - we have 2 dc's, sorry i didn't put it in my original post. I just don't like playing games though, I'm more of a straight to the point type of woman, not that he takes any notice... it sounds like you are in a similar position, so sorry.

Last year he barely spoke a word to me for 6 months, denied there was a problem, then finally admitted that he was resentful of my being at home with the dc's while he worked. As we had very little childcare available for dc2 there wasn't a lot I could do to help him. This was what we had agreed though, he worked at his dream job and I brought up the dc's. If he was so resentful I feel that he should have maybe mentioned this to me rather than ignoring me and denying that there was a problem for 6 months. Sorry, started ranting there.

During that time I did start to separate myself from him, I don't feel that we have a lot in common now. We did have shared interests but without childcare i just can't do them anymore.

Does he show any interest in you in ways other than listening? hmm, only if it benefits him - I get extra attention if I work on the business or if he wants sex.

I think that part of it is that he gets engrossed in things to such an extent he forgets that anything else exists. He admits that him and the business come before everything else - the dc's, general family life, me, friends, and he has tried to change so that there's more of a balance, but it doesn't last.

sosad - I'm starting counselling for myself in the next few days so I'll bring it up then - it's dealing with something from my past, unrelated to him.

So would you say it's a combination of him A) being a workaholic (work more important than family) and B) very bad at expressing his problems directly? That his not listening is basically a passive-aggressive way of dealing with things when he's not happy?

I'm also wondering how on earth you managed to stay married to someone who didn't talk to you for six months. You really should show zero tolerance for being treated like that.

He sounds like very hard work. I hope the counselling gives you some insights on whether you want to stay with someone like this.

How does he get on,communicate with others?
Is he burying himself in work so he doesnt have to deal with other people in his life including you?
How does he get on with members of his own family?

He thinks you are a 'woman', that's the root of the problem. He, being a man, is the person in your household and your relationship: women are somewhere between servant and pet, only interesting in terms of how much they amuse or benefit the Man Of The House.