How to deal with 'nice' PIL's?

[DueinSeptember]

I am really struggling with this at present.

The back story is that DH has a niece (his brother's daughter), and since she was born PIL have mostly had her every weekend Friday to Sunday and some evenings during the week. This I think has been due to PIL's pulling rather than the parents pushing DN onto them. I also think they think they are more or less DN's parents as they often criticise ex-SIL's parenting. We were adamant that this would not happen with our own daughter, so we've always been a bit wary of them.

Lately, they seem to want to have DD more. We constantly get nagged about it 'nicely'. We are happy with how things are at present. They have booked a weeks holiday in August and keep on dropping hints about DD going with them. It is a 16 hour round trip. DH tells them no, that she is too young (3) and would not tolerate the journey etc, but still they carry on.

I just feel like snapping at them, but they do it all in such a 'nice' way that it is hard to do that.

How do you deal with people like this?

Oh snap away. Be firm rather than unpleasant with the terminally nice. 'She's not coming with you, we've told you repeatedly and we don't want you to mention it again.' Then change the subject.

Don't feel the need to justify. Because then your justifications can be pounced on and picked apart.

The truth of the matter is that you don't want her to go. That is reason enough.

PIL: Oh wouldn't it be nice for DD to come on holiday with us?
You: Interesting idea, but that won't be happening.
PIL: But why?
You: Because we don't want her to.
PIl: But why?
You: Because we don't want her to.

etc. You don't need to justify yourself.

Ask them if they spent every weekend and ever huday without their parents alone with their grandparents.....? I bet they didn't!!
Tell them you are pleased that they love your dd's company do much, then stress that that means they must understand that you do too!! Therefore you don't want her to be apart from you for any length of time

Holiday not huday

DH used to defend his mother as being "nice." I pointed out that she was passive aggressive and that wasn't nice. She used to lament how little she saw DSSs which I thought was pretty cruel given that he misses them terribly the weekends we don't have them.

HOTDAMNlifeisgood is absolutely right. Do not justify your behaviour. You are not answerable to these people.

PIL: Oh wouldn't it be nice for DD to come on holiday with us?
You: Interesting idea, but that won't be happening.
PIL: But why?
You: Because she's my daughter and I love her. I'd miss her too much.

Alternative ending

Thanks everyone - they really make me feel guilty sometimes. Feel a bit better now.

Well I am a grandmother and so I think you need to be a bit kinder than some posters have suggested. I often find that so many dils come on these threads, advising other dils to be very short or even rude with their PILs.

What about "well it's a nice idea, and we know you'd love to take her but we think she's a bit young at 3, so maybe when she's older it would be ok" Given your nickname OP I imagine you are expecting a 2nd child in September, so you might find your PILs helping out with your 3 year old quite useful. I think a lot of you dils forget that children have a right to build up a good relationship with their grandparents and extended family, even if you are not keen on PILs. My own MIL could be a bit interfering and bossy but I just didn't take much notice and she had other qualities which were good. I had to bite my lip a bit but we never fell out and I supported her in her later years and in her final illness.

I am lucky and don't have any problems like this but I have many friends who are MILs and GPs and one of them is almost scared of her dil, and tiptoes around her, so as not to upset her, and her dil is quite rude on occasions. Her son sticks up for his wife (oh yes I hear you chorus - that's the right thing to do but he only agrees with her because his wife dominates him too.

It is a 2 way street you know. I think it's sad that this old age problem between these 2 women still continues. I never read anything on MN about men complaining about the MIL......

OK will not retreat with my hard hat on!!

Should read OK will now retreat with my hard hat on.

You are lucky for such attentive pils, mil & fil have never wanted my kids overnight yet they have their other gc all the time!

TBH I think I´d just ignore the hints/change the subject.

You´ve told them no & that should be the end of it.

You don´t want your 3yr old away from you for a week.

As far as I´m concerned, GC never have to stay with GPs if parents don´t want it.

Thanks.

Diddle - that's what we do currently, smile and nod and Dh usually says 'no' etc and then the subject is changed. But it's everytime we see them, it's a bit wearing.

NanaNina, we've never been rude to PIL, DH can be a bit blunt, but he has always been like that. They are always welcome in our home etc, but the situation with our niece makes us nervous about them demanding so much time with our daughter. We were older when having her and so we had done all our partying. We are happy to spend lots of time with our daughter. Also, it is not so much MIL, but FIL that is the issue.

I have to echo nananina here, you don't need to be abrupt,

Maybe say to them,

we know you would love to take her on hols, but she is just too little, and it feels like we are upsetting you when we say no. So lets just drop it now shall we, right would you like a biscuit with your tea?

"I think a lot of you dils forget that children have a right to build up a good relationship with their grandparents"

Yes, but that doesn´t mean that GPs should just be allowed to have GC when they want & have them to stay/take on holiday on demand.

OP & her husband have said no, but ILs won´t let it drop.

Perhaps they should respect the decision made by their son & DIL?

DD stayed with my Mum for a week when she was 13 months.

We don't live close by but DD and her Grandma has a fantastic relationship (as do DS1 and 2)

My Mum is now ill and in Hospital again and probably won't see Christmas but all she talks about is her GC and how lucky she was to have them/us all.

Mum used to drive down to us and pick up DD and DS1 (DS2 came a bit later!).

DD's smug as they were driving off will never leave me (she knew it was going to be great)...they had a fab time going to mini zoos and out for lunch and feeding the ducks etc.

But she wasn't a pushover and they still went to bed at a reasonable time and ate what she gave them! (DS1 was/is a fussy sod)

She took them to see one of the Jurassic park films once and DS1 was so freaked he had to sleep in with her!!

' She's too young now - perhaps when she's older'.

Repeat.

Repeat.

Repeat...

I am a mother of 3 DSs and have seen a terrifying vision of the future as my future DiLs complain about me being "too nice" and passive aggressive or if not distant,aloof and uninvolved. It makes me sad because I am not close with my own MiL and neither was my mum with my pat GM and so it goes on and on.

Is it also because you think they're maybe too old to cope?

Or is it because they criticise your BIL and SIL?

I don't think 3 is too young if she knows them well and is happy with them.

It might just be a nice break for you and your DH.

Eight hours drive is a long one but surely they'd have breaks and games etc set up...Mum used to have colouring books and other stuff for them to do and would stop when they all wanted too and tapes so they'd all be singing along.

She is 3 hours drive from us (6 hour round trip)

Thanks - sorry to hear about your mother echo.

They are not old, only in their 50's.

The main reason is that we feel they would just take over after we agree once (as they have done with our Niece). I just feel if we give them an inch they will take a mile. I don't want to be a part time parent and I don't think that situation is quite normal.

There are loads of other issues - we have not been into their house for years. They are hoarders and the house is in a terrible state (sort of like how you would see on the tv shows). We don't want DD going there as we would not like to go there ourselves (and we are not fussy, just normal levels of untidyness). They do see DD regularly though at our house and going out etc.

Oh lord the hoarding is a BIG problem - no I can see why you don't want them to go to their house. A dead rat was found recently in one of those tV programmes. Does their other DGD have to stay in this mess and don't her parents mind.

Sounds like MIL needs to sort FIL out on this one as the pushing seems to come from him. Our eldest DGD was an IVF baby and very hard fought for and my son and dil are in their 40s now - DGD is 12 so they wanted to be with her as much as possible and I understood this and it seems you are similar in this way. They were however very generous with us and let her have us every Sunday from about the age of 1. She's more or less a teenager now, so it isn't an issue - she's happy with her friends, i pad, and blackberry and has got to the stage of rolling her eyes at me but love my 3 DGC so so much, and it is no different from your own children really - we would kill for them if we had to - all parents will know this feeling.

Yes, our niece has to stay there every weekend. I don't think that her dad minds, he seems fairly similar when we have been to his house (not as bad) and I think he has got used to his freedom over the weekends, but they never got used to any 'family' time as DN was always with PIL so it's always been the norm.

DN's mum probably hasn't been in for years either as they have been split for 6 years. It was probably in a better state then, but it has got worse as the years have gone on after all the sons have left home (and they probably used to tidy up more) and nobody has tidied or had a good clear out. It must be pretty bad as if we drop a card/ present in we are not invited in any more and no-one but DN and BIL go there out of the extended family either. The last time we went there was about a metre or so square of space in the living room which was hoovered but every other surface was covered and piled high with various objects/ bags. If something breaks in our house (tv/ hoover/ pc) and we say we are taking it to the tip, they will want it for 'spares'!!!??? I am not sure if they know how bad it is tbh.

We used to visit fairly regularly and it was my DH who couldn't stand it, not so much me. But then when DD started moving and putting stuff in her mouth I just couldn't let her do that. So we started to invite them here instead saying that the pram/ car seat was too bulky.

We like MIL's company and encourage her to visit (FIL in small doses is OK at times), but I don't want the expectation that DD will go to the house each weekend (or ever really).

ah...ok there is a bit more to it than you let on at first! Hold out your hand, so I can lightly slap you on your wrist

Just keep saying no. There are much bigger issues going on, which you are not going to deal with...FIL, hoarding etc, so make nice and just manage the situation as it is. Deep breath, smile.

Sorry nilbyname, I think if I'd written down every issue I'd have been writing an essay! Much of it is muddled up in my head as well as DH and I have been together 15 years and there's been 15 years of observations and issues.

I don't want to be too negative about them as they are not bad people (well MIL is nice anyway) but my gut feeling is 'no', I am happy with how things are at present and I don't want to be pressured into letting them have DD on holiday which will then lead to stays at that house and so on.