Toxic family bereavement

[fledtoscotland]

Have been contemplating posting this for a couple of weeks but have been trying to get my head straight first

Long history of my toxic mother and with the help of my counsellor I no longer have any contact. Mother has of course done the "poor me" martyr routine but have stuck to my guns which has unfortunately had a knock on effect on my relationship with my mothers sister (aunt) and gran - family full of toxic relationships. Not wanting to drip feed but this wasn't a decision made lightly and years of emotional and physical abuse had pushed me to a self-preservation decision

Anyway - getting to the point

I received a letter 3 wks ago from a solicitor informing me my gran was dead and when I phoned them it transpired that she died in february.

I am angry, hurt, rejected that she thought to little that she couldn't phone her own daughter

But
Would I have answered the phone to her?

In some respects it's all over and at least now no one is playing happy families for the sake of an old woman and my mothers true colours have been shown.

I just can't seem to order my thoughts and process everything. I was discharged from psychological services earlier in the year after having many years of therapy and in general feel a lot more able to cope with life and relationships in general. I'm not feeling esp anxious or depressed which is good (hence posting here rather than mental health). I didn't get the chance to go to the funeral and get closure.

To rub salt into the wound, my equally toxic father (divorced from my mother 35yrs ago) has had his say and thinks that I should use this opportunity to "make my peace" with my mother as "you only get one" and "she needs her daughter as she is grieving too". WTF would she need me when she's not bothered ever?

Sorry for the long ramble.

Hello

I am sorry for your loss. I have a toxic mum too and sometimes I wish for her to pass so the strain is out of my life. .

But I am sure that when it happens I will grieve for the mother I should have had and the mother every child deserves. And now that she is gone I will never have that mother because she didn't miraculously realise her wrongs and become that mother that everyone else seemed to have.

I wouldn't be surprised if your mum didn't tell you because she either didn't care, or wanted to hurt you or did it deliberately so that you will call her. Then she gets that control back and she can tell you how bad you are.

Don't judge yourself through her eyes. Don't listen to your father, nice power play on his part. Cry, grieve and don't look back

Good luck. x

She deliberately chose not to tell you about your Gran dying to punish you.

Congratulations on getting the therapy you needed to get a better state of mental health. Don't put this health at risk by re-engaging with toxic people - unless they actually show signs of wanting to change and develop a healthy loving family relationship with you. If they do change ever, it's good to be open to them. If they don't, you need to protect yourself.

You can find the closure you need without going to a funeral - be realistic, would you have actually got closure or would your mother found ways to make it an awful experience and opened up loads of old wounds?

Do you have a childhood friend you are still in touch with who knew your Gran? Or if not, then any close friend. Talk to them about your memories of your Gran. Perhaps write down a letter to your Gran thanking her for your good memories, and "send" it to her in some symbolic way. If you like, you could even visit your Gran's grave and enact something that helps you to say goodbye - perhaps by reading out some of the prayers from the funeral service (if religious) or a secular favourite reading. You don' need your toxic family surounding you to get the same effect as a funeral.

You sound in a similar place to me. I have very little contact with my mother( Isend link to photos of the kids every month) but don't tell her anything, and consequently most of the family ( who live in NZ) has not spoken to me for 2.5 years.
Like you, for me there is a long history of Toxic parenting and abuse and I just got fed up with it and didn't want my kids to be affected.
My grandmother is approaching 90 and I do hear from her now and again, she's urged me to 'make up' with my mother but I think she's now accepted I won't.
Nana had a heart attack earlier this year and my mother did contact my sister ( who lives closer to me), who contacted me so I do hope they will let me know if something else happens to her.
My sister lives 20 mins away ( in another suburb) of London but we only see her every couple of months. She would like us to all kiss and make up and hasn't quite accepted that this will not happen.
It's hard but gets easier as time goes on.

I've just been bereaved from a member of the family that, for a long while, thought I was a toxic family member. Sadly he made a whole load of other people believe that I was toxic (and my mother). Although in the past year or so we did spend some time together and got on very well, he let his guard down to see who I really was, most of these people didn't see that. It has been very difficult over the past few weeks watching everyone else grieve for someone who was lovely to them but an absolute pig to me, for many years.

The kindest thing you can do is disengage but maintain contact. That way you don't feed the nasty toxic growth, but at the same time you don't allow them to block potentially healthy and positive relationships with other family members, particularly children and their cousins.

However you move forward, you need to proceed with dignity above all else.