MN Input needed for ''poor me'' thread...single and 31 and losing hope rapidly

[Polkadotfanatic]

Evening girls, I just wanted a bit of input really. I've been single now since 2006 - got out of a pretty bad relationship and tbh it scared me off men for a long while. For the last couple of years (and definitely now that I am in my thirties) I have been looking for something, someone and not finding them.

In a nutshell, I am starting to lose hope - biological clock is not so much ticking as counting down...all of my friends are either living with partners, engaged, married or have kids on the way (one is divorced and with a new partner). What is wrong with me?!?!? :)

Did any of you find your partners in your thirties - please, give me hope!!

I just need a bit of reassurance, if at all possible! If not, a stern talking to may suffice (even though I'm feeling a bit fragile atm) TYIA - Katy x

OP, At 31 (what a lovely age to be) I was single and like you feeling quite frantic. Met my ex fiance at 32, was engaged by 33 and split up again just short of 37th birthday.

Single from 37 to 38 and used to wake up at 3am feeling unbeliveably lonely. But surprisingly, I was less desperate than when i was 31 as it felt good to be single after having got out of a suboptimal relationship.

Met DH at 38, got married in 9 months have two DCs. Still wake up at 3am btw with DS screaming.

You will meet someone if you really want to. But having been through a bad relationship, I think it is better to be single that with someone who is not right for you. As the others have said -enjoy your youth and freedom - it is lovely to have that. All the rest will undoubtedly follow.

I have been married for ages but at 31 still felt too young for children

Actually had them at 33, 34 and 39. So u would try and relax about that for a while.

Two good friends of mine were still single at 36 and now have 2 kids each. In some ways I'm a little that they had so many more single years than I did so as has already been said the grass is often greener etc.

One thing - make sure that when you are out that you give off the vibe that you're willing to chat to people. A lovely friend of mine was despairing recently that she's single but when we're out she is very closed off and very much gives the vibe of not wanting to talk to people. I think it's mainly down to lack of confidence. Even when men talk to her she doesn't open up and she doesn't flirt, so they get the impression that she isn't interested, even if she is.

OP, I've just split up with a long-term boyfriend at 34 because I've didn't think he was the right one for me. It's been amazing and awful at the same time. Amazing because I know I've made the right decision and am sooo much happier being single than with him (not for anything bad, just didn't work) and awful because like you I'm so worried I won't meet the right one for ages - if ever!

But I did realise that actually I'd rather be alone than with the wrong one - it's so depressing and soul destroying knowing you're not in the relationship you want.

I feel for you, I really do, but you are so young - oh to be 31 again. Just make sure you don't just go out with anyone just because it's comfortable or because that's what everyone else is doing. That was my mistake. I'm now staying single, dating but single until I meet someone that I really click with.

Good luck!

Divorced at 29, 3 year relationship that didn't work out, then met my now husband & got married at 34. Don't give up hope!

likeatonneofbricks is right though, you need to look outside your immediate social circle in the Channel Islands, beautiful though it is, a lot of these smaller places are man deserts. You could do this by internet dating and saying you'll come to London once a month, or if you don't fancy that, book yourself on some residential courses which interest you/go to visit friends in places where there's lots of single people and so on. You can't sit and wait for someone to knock on the door one evening.

I am 35 - soon to be 36 - and I am on the verge of giving up hope! I've just posted about my experience with someone who I met this year and really liked but it didn't work out (see 'dating a cocaine user).

31 seems very young to me now....people keep saying it to me but I think you have loads of time, though I know it doesn't feel like it. My mistake at that age was to keep going back to a EA relationship. I didn't extricate myself til I was about 33.

My advice would be to have firm boundaries and don't take any cr@p. If I'd taken my own advice, I would have kicked the ex into touch and not wasted precious time on him. Then you have mroe time/opportunities to meet someone decent.

I laughed when I read the post (sorry, can't remember who it was) about the grass being greener. I definitely imagine my married/coupled up friends gazing into each other's eyes on a Saturday/Sunday morning and then having an idyllic day with the kids.

Thanks guys - yes you are right, I need to be more pro-active!! Flights aren't cheap (with accommodation a trip for a couple of nights is verging on £350+) - but I could do it every couple of months...I have practically given up hope here! :)

Thanks for all your experiences - it's a real eye opener!

I was even considering moving to London or somewhere to experience 'life'. Cliff walks and ice cream vans are all well and good, but there has to be more to it... Living here can feel a bit like having cabin fever and oh, it would be so nice to have a KFC once in a while if nothing else... lol :)

Online dating? Thought it wasn't for me but... was also aged 31, and had spent all my 20s in a relationship that I finally realised was the wrong one. Spotted a guy on an internet dating site who sounded perfect for me. Overcame all my (huge!) inhibitions to sign up and contact him. Started dating, didn't contact or date anyone else.

2 years later and we've just started living together and very very happy. Marriage and kids hopefully on the cards! I can't believe how much my life has changed... don't think it can't happen to you!

I think you need to move from where you are now. There's no point in staying and hoping someone will come along when the population's so small.

I wouldn't move to London, though (much as I love it.) I think when you're at a point in your life when you want a family, it would be better to move somewhere where you wouldn't have such a struggle with decent housing and expensive childcare.

I felt exactly the same as you at 31, but living in London and not meeting anyone on my wavelength (I am an outdoorsy hiking type and obv London isn't great for that). I ended up living down here in the south west and funnily enough met my (now-ex) OH down here. I'm now 35 and the clock isn't ticking too loudly for me, as I'm not that bothered about having kids, but I do worry that I'll get to 40 and be single and childless and wish I had a family. But I would rather be single than have another relationship like the one I've just come out of (EA). The vast majority of my friends are in relationships, and there seems to be a spate of up-the-duffness at the moment (and those that aren't either already have kids or are trying for them, bar a few) and it means the issue is on my mind a bit. My ex said he didn't want any more kids so I rarely considered the idea while we were together.

I'm now of the opinion that if it happens, it happens, and if not I'm just going to carry on working my way around the world and having interesting experiences. The grass is definitely greener, my married and/or pregnant friends are all very jealous of me!

Are you me?? I'm 31 and have been single on and off for a -long time- while and it has left me fed up and anxious about not having the things I want-particularly children. I know that people say I have plenty of time but it doesn't feel like that when you factor in meeting someone, building a relationship etc before getting round to the children bit. It's hard being around friends who have settled down and feeling so alone. I've very recently met someone who I feel very positive about so fingers crossed but just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Keep getting out there, give Internet dating a go etc and try not to panic

Hey again- definitely take on board what you guys are saying about the internet dating. The only thing is my reticence...in honesty, its easier to meet up for a guy for a coffee to see if you get on, if you dont have to make it more nerve wracking by getting on a flight and spending the money for a trip!!

I do think I need to get out there more though and meet people... It seems the dating site I have been on (POF) has messages from guys who want to meet for short term encounters and who arent actually looking for the real deal. I guess you need to do a fair bit of weeding to find someone worthwhile!

I'm so pleased I have started this thread, I've not had one single bad comment so thanks to you all...it's really made me feel better and I mean that :)

Can I also just say as well, that I have loved being single for the past 6 or so years whilst I was taking time to sort myself out after terrible relationship and I have never been a ''poor me I'm single'' type of girl - ask any of my friends and I am sure they would be surprised that I feel this way.

I think the turning point for me was Christmas morning last year. I woke up and just felt so alone. My first thought was, I should be sharing this sat beside a tree with DP and getting ready to go out to family, or have them over. Instead it was just like any morning and I just felt a real crushing sense of loneliness. I know the grass isnt always greener, but there comes a point where something has to change and I dont think I can bear waking up alone on Christmas anymore. I've had too many times where all I've wanted is a hug after a stressful day or just to talk stuff through and havent been able to.

I say this without trying to sugarcoat relationships and realise that life is not a Hallmark card... :)
I also realise that as far as problems go, mine are very minimal, I have my health and a great family, so dont want to sound too hard-done-by, but this is still something that concerns me and feels very real to me.

I think I need a plan! :)

Hi OP, I think my lovely daughter would identify with you. Her marriage (to an abusive squaddie) ended and she has dipped her toe into the dating waters only to find herself still single and childless at the age of 34 - almost. She had an 18 month relationship - long distance - with a dad of two. It took him all this time to let her meet his kids and then when she had done, he withdrew from her. No excuse, no discussion, nothing. She then has been out with another really nice guy for six months. They had not had "the" discussion but he said to her he wanted to live with her in a year and could they please get a dog. A couple of week's later, he decided he wanted something else. I know she really wants a child and it breaks my heart to think that she may not get her wish. I don't understand men. She's a beautiful person in the real sense of the word and great fun to be with. She works hard and his high integrity and I can't believe she hasn't meant someone decent that thinks she enough for them.

Which do you want more: children or a longterm partner? You can have either one without the other. If it's a child or children you want, it can be better to reach an agreement with a male friend to be co-parents, or to go for adoption/donor insemination - all of these options are better than having a child with a horrible man just because he's available and offers sperm.
And having a child without a male partner is sometimes better than having all the hassle of trying to 'work at' a couple-relationship when you want to prioritize your child rather than servicing some bloke's ego and cock just so as not to be single.

Yeah sorry I agree with many posters - I know getting married. & having kids seems great but I am 44 & separating for the 3rd time with 4 DCs. I married 1st time at 23, 2nd time at 34, 3rd time at 41. My eldest is 19 & youngest is 2. I love them all to bits but I am wrung out & weary. You're still really young, don't wish your freedom away but find a lover to tickle your fancy instead!

Met DH at 35, married at 36, DS at 39, DD at 41.

Polka, would you consider a life change, maybe moving to somewhere that has flights to the CI so you can still maintain your links, but just having a bit of an adventure by taking a job or study in somewhere like Bristol or Cardiff?

Not sure on your circumstances, but might be time to take flight? Not to find a man or baby, but just to shake things up a bit....

I could have written that post 7 years ago..... 7 years on, DP, 2 dc and I was 6 yrs older than you are now.
Stop thinking about it, stop worrying and concentrate on being happy for you. Be open to new things and new people, but not with the idea you might meet somebody. Being happy in your own skin will draw positivity toward you.
Good luck!

Beachy, I think you and some other posters are right, I need to shake things up a bit and possibly move from the CI... scary !

To all those saying marriage or relationships aren't what they've cracked up to be - I take those comments on board too, but I would really like to find that out for myself ;)

Met my husband at 34, he is the love of my life, fairy tale engagement and wedding and honeymoon baby (who is currently fast asleep on me, lol) I am now 37....I was single about 3 yrs before that - loved the single dating life though. The key is to enjoy dating for the sake of dating, really enjoy single-dom as it won't be that way forever (no responsibilities, no-one else to answer to, etc), and always stay optimistic no matter how many dates you go on that don't turn into anything impressive I never believed that crap about 'don't buy into the myth of the perfect guy - be more realistic in your expectations'-I liked being single that much that I decided a guy would have to be amazing to give that up and then he came along and it's awesome you'll meet a great guy! And in the meantime enjoy life as it comes.

By the way (& I mean this in the nicest possible way)....you are 31!!! For the love of God!-you are so young. You've got a decade of being of child bearing age ahead of you. And 31 is by no means old to be single. Go out and do some amazing things - travel, learn new stuff, have some adventures!!-life is not all about finding the guy. A cool guy is who you'll meet when you're doing cool things - the search for a guy should never be made the main event.