I need a break

[NoLogo]

How does one go about spending time apart with two Dss, one full time and one part time job?

I am starting to feel like i have maybe had enough, don't want to be part of the scenery, or so functional or taken for granted any more.

Nothing drastic has happened. DH can be overbearing, his career takes precedence, he is dismissive and has a big sense of entitlement.

Today I feel I am done. I don't want us to be over: we've had 19 years together and he is lovely really, but the gender roles thing/sense of entitlement, his obsession with conforming is really making me feel stifled and trapped.

I swapped my hours at work today (not easy to do) to the evening. He forgot his mobile and I phoned the work number at around the time I needed him to leave work so I could get away on time IYSWIM. No reply. He then phones right on the brink, cue me saying "why aren't you already on the way home?".

He got home in time, but I was upset by the last minute communication and the lack of communication in general regarding this. Because I was pissed of, he started gewtting annoyed, "that's not fair, you only sprung this on me a couple of days ago".

It is fucking fair because I "sprung it" on him because he would not have been able to look after DS2 (pre-school - home day today) today during normal working hours without lots of inconvenience for him. I swapped to make his life easier and it still wasn't good enough.

Every meeting is more important than me.

I am fuming and feel sick, sidelined, trivialised.......

What I have described is relatively trivial, but there is loads of this stuff. The drip drip drip, small disagreements/disappointments cumulatively eroding "us".

We get on well, same sense of humour, we want the same things, but I need some air. I feel like I have had enough, but don't want to end it.

We need time apart. Do I need to go and live in the Travel Lodge?

Have you actually told him how you feel? Or do you suffer in silence?

I have the other week Foxxxxy, but we get on well and he takes it on board....

Which is why it isn't so cut and dried. I can't practically get away, physically from all of this in a bit to try and resolve it. We are busy and "in it".

I haven't mentioned "end it" to him, but I told him I wasn't happy and I felt he was being overbearing when we were having a rare uninterupted calm moment. That seemed fine, but I was so angry today. I slammed the front door so hard.

Most mothers with demanding lives dream of escaping to a Travelodge at some point, though I don't know if anyone has ever managed it .... I can only hope that you manage to make some private space at home to support yourself in particular, and also for you and DH to support each other, if thats what you both want.

In your situation I'd book a holiday with a friend or even solo. Don't ask, just announce it's going to happen and then do it. If you're unappreciated and taken for granted, leaving your partner to look after the house and children for a while can make the point better than any amount of discussion.

I conemplated doing this last year with a DH and Four adult sons, who all work, but yes so do I, and what's more I do a longer day than the rest of them as I commute.

However I was still doing the lion's share of the domestic tasks. After having a bit of a rant to DS1 he said to me why don't you just tell us what needs doing as and when you want it done?

Men need "telling", "asking". You wouldn't believe the difference now I ask "If you 've got time today, could you ......" and I describe exactly what needs doing, how it needs doing, and why it needs doing. Men seem to need this information, they have to have the reasoning behind it.

Try it, give him advanced warning as far as possible ie "because I am doing such and such on this day can you do so and so, because of this that and the other".........

It isn't really the housework/child care. He does loads with the kids and whatever needs doing/whatever I ask him around the house.

DH is a force of nature. He is persistent and will go on and on about things until he's worn me down or until I kick off. Then it's the "why are you so angry all the time?" head fuck. He blows things up, lights the fuse and then casts blame. He is like a dog with a bone, he pushes me so much. I refuse to accept I am the angry one all the time, but that is his lazy response because he has cast me in that role and doesn't "see me" anymore.

Things should be easier, the DSs are 4 and 9 now, but they are terrible for interupting, demanding things, not allowing us a conversation really. By the time they are in bed we are knackered.

He has a demanding career, top of his tree, but all his meetings are more important than me, he doesn't spare me much time at all.

I have well controlled anxiety and depression and this is rearing it's ugly head again. I feel like a mess.

You're not the angry one. Anyone would snap if they were goaded all the time. Anxiety and depression are clinical conditions that are treatable with medication and therapies. What you're experiencing is 'being heartily pissed off' and the reason for that is not clinical... it's staring you in the face. I worry that if your children are misbehaving, they are simply taking a cue from Dad's attitude.

Really do book that break or arrange to spend time with friends/relatives. He's good with the kids so that's not an issue and you'll be able to think clearly and work out if it's worth carrying on in a relationship with someone that doesn't like you very much.

It sounds like you two don't have much fun together. It's all you organizing everything, him goading you, the children interrupting. It's all very negative and must seem overwhelming.

You do deserve a break. If every meeting is important, then your husband can take some holiday and look after the children this summer whilst you have a week/10 day break, with family, friends, a retreat, whatever you need to do to recharge. I do think every year or two and it does make a difference. It doesn't solve the day to day frustrations but it does recharge you a bit and more importantly, tells you that you are an important family member who needs nurturing and can't just keep going for ever like a Duracell bunny.

You also need to start enjoying yourself as a couple. What you describe is low level annoyance and discontent, and him thinking the point of you is to help him live his life (not the other way around). Do more things together, pack the kids off to their bedrooms by 8pm (they don't have to sleep then, but they do have to allow you adult space in the evenings) and watch a movie, do paperwork together, chat through the day. I think that drawing closer and going on a night out/meet for lunch on Friday/watch a boxed set will allow you the space to express your frustrations rather than a 'big talk' especially if it is held in an atmosphere of anger (unless you want to go for the nuclear 'ship up or I'm shipping out' but I get the feeling you don't at this stage, you just want a break and to be respected).

Finally, the children are old enough to stop interrupting if you and your husband are having a conversation! Just say 'mummy and daddy are talking' (repeat as necessary). Then, when you have finished, ask they what they want. They don't have to be silent, and in my house, they talk incessantly anyway, which is why, if we need to have a serious conversation about bills, arrangements, whatever, we need 10 min to talk without interruption.

Good luck with all this, we all have those Travelodge dreams, I don't think it's unrealistic to carve out more time for yourself to refresh, and be blunt, you need it to carry on functioning.