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Original poster

What would you do?

26 replies

StomachKnotts · 18/06/2012 18:04

Help please

Been with boyfriend/DP for 4 years who is separated, was separated for 2 years when I met him. He partially lived with me. Has two jobs and one is shift work and the other cabbing, so he was here probably 4 nights a week "semi living with me" in a small one bed, I have a teen son who has the bedroom and I sleep in the frontroom. He used to pay me a certain amount towards things. Somehow I ended up doing his washing/ironing and cooking ( I know, I know). But because he gave me money i sort of felt pressurised to do this seeings he was only partially here. He always said I didn't have to do it when challenged but he never helped out. To be honest I've always felt like he's used this house as a sort of hotel. We've been arguing etc. for the last few months and it's been a I'm leaving and going back to my parents ( I feel he either gives me the silent treatment or needs a few days out) or me telling him to go. I've always felt like I was a rebound (maybe just my insecurites as he's a rather quiet man grumpy)

Anyway, we had a barney last week and he went off, I called him a sexist pig! Ooops.

We hadn't seen each other for a week, yes, ok, I've been asking him for communication pestering him

He finally came into my work today looking very very sad saying he doesn't think it will work anymore, his dad has just been taken into a hospice and his divorce papers have just come through.

I said OK, shall we give this one more shot and back off, we live apart and see each other a couple of times a week. To that he said he will never change and neither will I so he doesnt know. He then said He'd pop in this Saturday to see me and DS for an hour or so. I said ummm no, I wasn't happy with that and would rather wait until we could arrange an evening together.

Right. I'm so in limbo about this. I'm a cut and dried person and like to know where I am and feel he has all the power so to speak.

Has anyone else had to just back right off and not contact to wait to see what will transpire, I'm so tempted to say no, I can't handle this.

What would you do?

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 18/06/2012 18:06

walk away...that is what I would do.

What do you want to do?

SirSugar · 18/06/2012 18:06

As I said before, do you feel safe secure and loved in this relationship? If not, forget it.

Hes of no use to you unless he absolutely adores you

izzyizin · 18/06/2012 18:09

Once more into the breach... have you posted before about this miserable tosser guy? Maybe under another name?

coppertop · 18/06/2012 18:14

I would walk away.

He is basically telling you that he's only interested in you if you provide him with a full laundry service, a hotel service, and act as his personal maid.

Original poster
StomachKnotts · 18/06/2012 18:18

Yes, copper i have a feeling you're right. don't have the strenght at the moment. I just would love opinions to probably get it into my very thick head. I offered these services mind, I didn't think I would feel used but after being on these boards for a while it started to piss me off, hence the refusal now.

OP posts:
Original poster
StomachKnotts · 18/06/2012 20:29

It's ok. I've just done it so he can't come back. Told him I'm deleting him from everything (and I just have, from everything) I never memorised his number. Told him I don't want his "crumbs" and to never contact me again. Yay for self respect (it took me this long ay).

We were due to go on holiday next month and that's what hurt. I loved his kids etc. and that's sort of what kept me going and the thought of him "suddenly coming to his senses and seeing me for what I am" to be honest, who was I kidding.

Just spoke to DS and he said he didn't care anyway!

Let the tears of loss of a relationship commence.

OP posts:
SoDesperate · 18/06/2012 20:47

ahhhh hey. I know it is so hard. I am trying very hard to leave an abusive relationship - for what ? - endless nights all on my own :) But even so, there is a very slight improvement!

It is very true that you should benefit from a relationship, feel better, and clearly in this relationship, you didnt!

Take care of yourself

SirSugar · 18/06/2012 20:52

I can assure you all life is better alone than with abuse.

izzyizin · 18/06/2012 20:54

Here's your other thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1498047-How-do-I-cope

No more Ms Putty or Ms Put Up With Any Shit. Now you've done it, honey, MEAN IT!

Original poster
StomachKnotts · 18/06/2012 21:00

SoDesperate, it's the hardest relationship I have ever ever had to leave. I should have known the minute he had the cheek to moan about his back and my bed the first time he stayed over! He was also part of the most respected profession you could ever have.

I feel a bit like a mug now but I've learned so much about me. Im just fucking sad, very very fucking humiliated and sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
StomachKnotts · 18/06/2012 21:07

I started to do "his dance" and knew deep down I wasn't like that. He actually told me I was an abusive person in the end. I'm not, but I started to feel like maybe that was true due to my reactions to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
StomachKnotts · 18/06/2012 21:12

I even rang my last two long term ex boyfriends and asked if they thought i was abusive. FFS. The answer was no of course but this man made me say things that I have never said before in my life. I was a howling vitriolic mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
StomachKnotts · 18/06/2012 21:15

going to revert to my real name on here now as im sick of pretending. I dont want to pretend to be someone im not anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
StomachKnotts · 18/06/2012 21:18

are you ready for this izzy, I'm smiling here by the way.

OP posts:
foolonthehill · 18/06/2012 21:18

be yourself...be happy ...and now there is room in your life for good things and good people.

Keep it that way

MissFaversam · 18/06/2012 21:23

yes, I know there is foolonthehill. I started off in this section thinking, blimey thats a bit like me, then I thought no that's not possible. I started off by asking questions like "what do you do about a grumpy partner". In real life it's also tough becasue no one really wants to either look at their own relationship or believe that it's happening. I also told loads of lies to cover up.

MissFaversam · 18/06/2012 21:24

feels like im finally out of the closet Grin

izzyizin · 18/06/2012 21:39

Hurrah for MissF... with certain exceptions it's better out than in, honey,

Your secret was safe with me but I'm immensely relieved that you've outed yourself - and outed that miserable twunt right out of your life.

Does this mean you'll be joining one of the internet dating threads? Grin

coppertop · 18/06/2012 21:42

Well done, MissFaversham. :)

It's easy for me to type "walk away" but not so easy for you to actually go ahead and take the necessary steps to do that.

I hope you and ds enjoy the new start without this man in your lives.

MissFaversam · 18/06/2012 21:45

Laughing here because you, AF and Noc helped me even thought you were bloody tough In a very no nonsense way.

See I can't even do undercover can I Grin.

I will certainly join you a dating thread in time in about 5 mins only joking.

MissFaversam · 18/06/2012 21:46

you? join a dating thread, are you on it izzy?

MissFaversam · 18/06/2012 21:50

Thank you coppertop, he was never really in my sons life due to son being a teenager and doing his own thing thank god! So son isn't at all upset about breakdown of relationship. He said he sort of liked him but no sweat Grin

izzyizin · 18/06/2012 22:00

I haven't found the need to internet date yet but dive in here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1486596-Dating-Loitering-and-Sofa-Surfing-Its-All-Happening-Dating-Thread-16

These threads are fast moving and the participants clearly enjoy themselves. By the time you've dried your crocodile tears over the misogynistic tosser, no.17 will be along.

It seems to me that'd be perfect timing for you to dip your toe into the murky waters of Plenty of Fish or similar sites.

A hunky male catch or 10 could be just what you need to reinforce your resolve and there's a thread to chuckle over the tiddlers you throw back Grin

MissFaversam · 18/06/2012 22:07

I found him on plenty of fish though izzy and the reason i went with him in the first place was coz he wasnt of the scaly type, or so i thought. It's a big break from all this for me for a while Grin If a man dared to call me "sexy hun" I think I'd cut his dick off at the moment.