Communication issues with DH, what can I do?

[FoxPass]

I have had problems with anxiety on and off for years. I had terrible post-natal depression and anxiety 4 years ago, managed to get over it and I am really struggling again with depression since having DC2 last year.

DH does not know how to cope with me having these problems. We barely talk about it. If I am down or anxious, and I actually manage to tell him, he will not converse with me about it and doesn't ask why. He does not check I am feeling better, or ask what he can do.

We both find it very hard to talk about anything of importance emotionally. He lacks empathy, and having never had MH issues, struggles to understand how I feel.

If I point out his apparent lack of interest he says he doesn't know what to say and doesn't want to say the wrong thing. I think he also doesn't want to hear me come out with bad stuff, sometimes his behaviour is not helpful and if I point this out he gets very defensive.

At points in the past I have told him directly that he is contributing to my unhappiness and he is very defensive, saying things like "That's not the case at all, it's NOT like that, no you are wrong". I almost feel like he is denying me the right to feel a certain way?

He had a verbally and emotionally abusive step-father from age 10 and an emotionally absent mother in his teens. He is very avoidant in anything to do with negative emotions. Hates confrontation.

We have been together for 10 years. All plain sailing really until I had our first DC 4 years ago. Since then we have had lots of problems due to our lack of communication.

what can we do? I have had individual counselling and found it helpful, he is not keen for joint counselling. I am beginning to feel like he is happy when I am OK but cannot deal with me unwell. Some things he says makes me feel like he thinks I am ungrateful for the life we have and should pull myself together. I wish I could :(

Are you having counselling now? Are you taking anti-ds?

No I am using natural alternatives to anti-ds (which I have had success with in the past) as I have had bad side-effects previously. Waiting to see a psychologist, referred by my GP.

I'm sorry, it must be very hard for you. At the same time, I feel some sympathy for your DH he is your partner, not your counselor, and it sounds like he has his own issues that keep him from responding to you in the way that you would like. I don't think it's so much that you have communication issues rather, you have different expectations of each other. It's much more than just communication.

I think it might be really helpful if you both had individual counseling.

Ideally of course your DH would be endlessly supportive and always say the right thing... and maybe he can learn to be more supportive, with some help. But it will take a lot of work, from both of you. I say that as someone who has been there from both sides.

What are your 'natural alternatives'? If you are using homeopathic remedies they are not working because homeopathy is a complete and utter con.

I sympathise with your DH. Depression and anxiety in others can be quite bewildering and upsetting. When he confesses that he doesn't know what to say, you don't find that helpful. When he speaks about the lovely life you have you interpret that as him thinking you are ungrateful. When you accuse him of contributing to your mental illness and he denies it, you call him defensive. That's a very cruel allegation. For the first six years you didn't have mental health problems, for the last four you have. This is a sea change in the relationship and you are not the person he met. Maybe he can't cope with you when you're ill but that doesn' t make him a bad person.

Keep talking to your doctors and getting proper medication. Your husband is not a doctor and I feel very sorry for him

Actually CogitoErgoSometimes those are not 'allegations'. There certainly are contributing factors which he is responsible for.

A 'sea change' in our relationship? I'm not the person he met? We made vows which included 'in sickness and in health' and we are committed to them and each other. We are having difficulties and I understand my MH problems contribute to these but I am within my rights to expect his support surely? Where did I say he speaks about the 'lovely things' in my life?

I know he is not a Dr. Or a bad person. I am not expecting him to counsel me or fix it. I didn't think it was unreasonable to expect him to at least acknowledge how I feel.

The thing that stood out to me in your OP was this bit:

'If I am down or anxious, and I actually manage to tell him, he will not converse with me about it and doesn't ask why. He does not check I am feeling better, or ask what he can do.'

That makes it sound like you have higher expectations of him than just listening and acknowledging. And you are not necessarily wrong to have those expectations ideally, a partner would do these things but clearly it is expecting too much of your partner in particular.

I do not think it's a communications issue. I think you want more from your partner than he can give, and you need to figure out a way to meet in the middle.

I feel for you both, but particularly your DH.

It can be hard work living with someone with depression/MH issues. Never being able to say the right thing, never being able to 'fix' the problem. I've been on both sides of this.

I found that talking about my anxiety, or questions from my DP about it, often 'fed into' it and made it worse. He couldn't do right for doing wrong.

In a later relationship, feeling required to constantly provide a listening ear, support, acknowledgement, validation of feelings, was just exhausting. At some points I would have given anything just to have a normal day.

Where is the support for your DH? Would you consider going to your GP and asking for some different medication?

"Some things he says makes me feel like he thinks I am ungrateful for the life we have"

I interpreted that to mean that he points to the good things you have in life as reasons not to be unhappy. For someone without anxiety and depression, that's what keeps them cheerful.

I think you have his support. He doesn't know what to say and has admitted as much. I don't know why you blame him for your illness. 'In sickness and in health' is the promise but you married a man that, from what you describe, hates confrontation, was brought up in an emotionally abusive environment, is not and never has been comfortable exploring the depths of the human psyche. Through no fault of your own, you've changed. Through no fault of his own, he hasn't.

I think your decision to avoid conventional medication is unwise.

Both me and DH experience depression and I have rather severe anxiety issues too. It is so hard to watch the person you love sink into the depths. I guess at least we both understand what it is like to be both the ill person and the one looking on helplessly. Its tough but we have a lot of compassion for each other.

I think it is quite possible that he genuinely doesn't know what to say or do for the best. You are unhappy and there isn't anything he can do to cheer you up because of the depression. Can you see how helpless that will make him feel? Depression twists everything. Like Cogito I think he tries to remind you of the good things in your life because thats how some people manage to cheer themselves up, but the depression makes you interpret it as him criticising you for not being grateful. You and I both know, that sometimes the more reasons that you ought to be grateful and happy, the more guilty you feel for being unhappy. Which just gives you another reason to hate yourself.

What do you want from him? What could he say that would make everything okay? If there are simple things that he could do or say that would help, then let him know. But I suspect, if you are anything like me, that you don't really know what would help, and that you sometimes have a go at him for minor things you find irritating, but they aren't the real problem. He can't make you like yourself and that's what needs to happen for you to begin to climb out of the hole you are in.

I'm sure there are some books around (check out your local library or online bookstores) for partners/relatives of those with depression to explain what its like and ways of supporting them. Maybe he could read something like this. Try and think about one or two things he could do that would make you feel more supported, explain them to him and why they are important to you.

Waiting for a referral is a tough time, but at least you have sought help and every day is a day closer to that help. Do consider your medication situation. I understand wanting to avoid AD if they haven't helped in the past, but there are different ones available which may help. Try following a self-help book to give yourself something positive to do until you start your talking therapy.

Hope you feel better soon. Cut yourself some slack, you are dealing with something just as real as a broken leg, only people can't see a plastercast so don't realise you need a shoulder to lean on. Cut your partner some slack too, he does find this emotional stuff difficult to deal with because of his past, and it is really difficult to see someone you love depressed because you want to fix it, but its not simple, and he's not a doctor. You will get through this together, it does get better :)

Some really good advice here. I hope things improve for you both soon FoxPass.