More than a crush

[namechangeorama2]

Here it goes. . . have been married for 8 years. 6 weeks ago I got very drunk and ended up snogging my friend. We have always been close and I have always found him attractive, but the kiss has changed things between us. I now have a major crush on him. I think about him loads and loads. It's close to falling in love. I know how ridiculous this sounds and I'm sure many of you think I'm a very bad person. I have never kissed an OM whilst in a relationship(not even when I was 18). It's very out of character for both of us. I know he feels the same as we have talked about things since. We have also agreed not to talk about it anymore as we know this is unfair on our DPs.

Although we both want something more, both of us have said quite categorically that we do not want and will not have an affair. He loves his wife and says there is no problem in their relationship. I love my DH but we have had a very difficult few years. Won't go into details but we've both been through an awful lot and our marriage has been through the mill.

The main problem is that the OM is a huge part of mine and DHs social life, (as is his DW). They are our neighbours and we see them every weekend and usually once or twice in the week too.

I fully expect a flaming which is why I haven't posted previously. But I just needed to try and get some advice. Has anyone been through anything like this and come out the other side? I just want us to go back to a healthy friendship. I don't think anything else will happen between us as we're so determined not to allow it to. But feeling like I do is torturous.

If you're very grown up about this, drop contact and above all NOT blab to your respective spouses you can get away with it mostly. You're obviously more keen on ending your relationship whereas he's just being opportunistic. That means you're more at risk emotionally. Understand the dynamic but then do what you can to extricate that couple from your social life. He'll be able to be around you without giving anything away but I worry that you won't be able to do the same

You are in serious danger of getting burned - not from a flaming but because you are coming from a place of emotional need, and he's not.

Unless you want to make a spectacle of yourself, you have to take control of your thoughts. Everytime you think of him, replace that thought with one of your dh, or another subject.

Give some consideration as to whether your relationship with your dh would benefit from joint counselling.

What were your dh and his dw up to while you were snogging your neighbour? Were they similarly engaged?

You can't go back to just having a friendship. If it had been a drunken kiss between two people who had never been previously attracted, it might have been possible, but not when the feelings are so strong on your side if not his.

I agree that it was probably just a drunken mistake on his side, but it sounds like for you this could have happened when sober. Be honest with yourself too - if he was as keen as you, would you really say 'no' to anything else happening?

I don't know how you'll explain cooling the friendship to your husband, but I think that's your only option.

Thanks Cogito.

Do you mean ending my relationship with OM? I read it as ending my relationship with DH first time round which I don't want to do. Actually I don't agree that he is more keen for something more to happen. He is as determined as I am for nothing more to happen. I know people often jump to the conclusion that men are usually up for a bit of extra marrital, but I genuinely don't think he is. He is usually a man of integraty who cocked up on a drunken night, just like I did.

Dropping contact is seriously not an option. We see them all the time and have mutual plans (eg concerts, festivals, weekends away, mutual friends parties, weddings etc etc) going right into next year!

I'm not trying to be awkward, it just would be both impossible and seriously wierd to cut ties!

Get your thoughts under control and avoid any more drunken nights in the company of the om/his dw.

You need to make sure you're never alone with him.

Any arrangements for social contact need to be made between you and his DW, or him and your DH. You and he need to have no contact at all, no more chats about feelings and no more chats about what might or might not happen.

Every time you find yourself thinking about him, stop and replace your thoughts with something else or distract yourself.

Just read other posts. Thanks for the input. BTW I PMSL at your final line izzy! Actually this might make things easier! In reality they were both in bed. . . their own!

I meant that, because your relationship with DH has been through the mill, you are more emotionally vulnerable to a knight in shining armour figure.... Your neighbour won't be tapping out his anxiety on a message board, put it that way.

You have to cut ties, even if it is gradually. If you get amorous when drunk and you're all spending weekends away & go to parties etc. it'll happen again.

These things happen. It'll pass. And it'll pass a lot quicker if you don't allow yourself to fill your head with pie in the sky thoughts of 'what if' 'if only', and similar teenage romantic claptrap.

Be ruthless with those thoughts - root them out before they take hold and flourish.

Agree that you are probably finding him more alluring because of the difficulties in your own relationship. I had a big crush on a friend last year as DH and I were not getting on well. Once I stepped away from the friend I realised that it wasn't him per se, but the thought of someone 'other than DH' which appealed!

However, while you are still socialising with him it will be hard to step away. Can you organise some other things for the weekends?

I have been in a situation like that a few years ago when our marriage went through a rough patch although nothing happened between me and the OM.

I know it is difficult and you may not believe it right now but it will get better and pass. I was in a similar situation where it was not possible to avoid contact completely. I did everything I could not to be on my own with him, I made sure there were always others with us on occasions where I had to see him. It was never my intention to have an affair but I have to fess up that the temptation was there.

I think the key is to work on the relationship with your DH. Is there any way you could do something nice together like go on a mini break in the sunshine or have a few nights/weekends out together as a couple, spend quality time together. (reducing time spent with the other couple in the process)

Also you say that feeling like this is torturous. I know where you are coming from but it is worth bearing in mind that the fall out of an affair is going to be a lot more torturous than this.

There is no shame in feeling the way you do, what matters is what you do with these feelings. I still see the OM a lot and often wonder what possessed me.

Finally, I would recommend that you stick to soft drinks around him.

Stay strong, it will be worth it in the end.

Although we have got a lot booked in already, most of it is with other people too so that might help dilute things iyswim, however, I guess I could try to organise stuff with other people on the nights we don't see them so that at least we won't end up with them even more. I'm hoping these feeling just won't last forever. I'm doing all that I can to work on our marriage and we really are getting there. My DH is a good man.

Maybe I should stop drinking for a bit. I do drink a lot. Would save some money too! Might just be safer to be around him stone cold sober.

Absolutely, if you can cut down the drinking that would be a good thing. Wine/beer goggles will only make him more attractive.

So, we won't be alone together and won't talk about how we feel. I'll try not to do too much mooching about and daydreaming about him. Will carry on working on relationship with DH too. I value his friendship hugely, (and always have). I don't want to lose that and I certainly don't want to be the cause of two broken marriages and 4 unhappy kids to boot!

Thank you so much for all the support and for not flaming me!

Definitely, cut the boozing and don't be too hard on yourself or big up what happened. If it was only a kiss, no harm done really. Keep telling yourself it was nothing, after a while you may believe it and get over it easier than if you convince yourself that it was something major, which it wasn't

Maybe at some point you may be able to go back to how things were and be good friends but maybe not just now.

I think you know you there is no need to talk about feelings to him right now. If he feels the need to talk to you about his/your feelings for each other than perhaps you could tell him that talking about what happened is not what you need right now and that he needs to back off for a while.

If he really is the good friend you say he is than he will understand and respect what you are saying. If he doesn't than perhaps he is not such a good friend after all.

It will pass.