My parents are separating and I think dad's taking the piss

[RiaOverTheRainbow]

My parents are separating (long overdue imo) and as they aren?t married I?m concerned dm is being treated unfairly. I?m living with them atm so I?m seeing this first hand.

Mum was a sahm most of my childhood and got a job a few months ago and earns a bit above minimum wage. Dad on the other hand earns around £50K, but he?s putting most of it into his pension so he?ll owe comparatively little maintenance for 16yo dsis. Dad gives Mum money each month for groceries, buying things for dsis etc, but since she started work he?s halved it. He?s always been tight with money, and it wouldn?t occur to him that without Mum?s support (including buying 75% of the house, leaving him mortgage-free) he wouldn?t have anything like as much, and that he might owe her morally, if not legally.

Although they?re officially separating Dad is dragging his heels about moving out. The plan was for him to find a place near work (he stays in hotels near London half the week) but now he doesn?t know how long his project is going to last and he?s not house-hunting very hard. Meanwhile Mum cooks his food (while he?s home), does his laundry and 90% of the housework.

Dad is also talking to Mum?s family about the separation, which I know makes her angry and I think is a huge infringement, but he thinks they?re his family as much as hers He?s very bad at reading emotional cues (he has some autistic traits but has never been diagnosed) so I think to a degree he doesn?t realise when he?s being unreasonable.

Basically, I think Dad is behaving quite badly but Mum wants to avoid confrontation in case he stops giving her any money, and I think she?s being taken advantage of. What advice would you give her (or me)?

As they are not married, your Mum is discovering what a lot of women find which is that she is in a very weak position in terms of rights. Does she have a good solicitor?

BTW... your Dad won't leave the house as long as she's acting like a servant. Why would he? My guess is that your Dad is going to leave her high and dry financially regardless of what she does so she might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. Suggest she washes clothes one last time, irons them and then places them neatly in suitcases along with the rest of his stuff and leave it outside the front door to be collected. Then he might get the message.

I know you're right. Dad's calling all the shots and Mum's letting him. I think she's more concerned about keeping things amicable than being treated fairly :( Just wish I could convince her she deserves more than that.

So he paid the mortgage off and owns the house?

You shouldn't be taking sides in your parents relationship.

Jumpingthroughhoops, if her dad is not acting very nicely, is op supposed to just gloss over this? It is a hard one op, but I guess you will just have to try and be there for your mum should this go really tits up so to speak. When my mum and sd split, sd was far from perfect total arsehole and all I could do was support my mother through it as best i could.

I agree with Jumping, I would stay out of it and not take sides. It can get very messy in a parents' divorce and the less you are entwined in it, the better. I would advise your mum to seek legal advice though.

Have you approached your dad? How would he feel if he knew you, your sister and your side of the family thought he was being an utter shit?

JosieZ they bought the house outright, Mum paying for about 75% with her inheritance. If Dad had bought it on his own he'd have needed a mortgage.

I'm trying to not openly take sides iyswim, and I know neither of them are faultless, but I've always been closer to Mum and I guess I'm not very good at being impartial.

Mum thinks legally she is already getting all she's entitled to. Is there anything a solicitor could do?

Most solicitors will give a free initial consultation, it won't do her any harm to see one to find out if there is anything they can do to help.

Tell her to stop cooking, etc. for him. They are now housemates at the most.

Also learn why getting married is usually much better for the woman in a relationship.

"more concerned about keeping things amicable"

If things were amicable they wouldn't be splitting up. 'Nice' people tend to get shafted in these situations. The advice about not taking sides is fair enough. That's why you should point her towards a solicitor. That way it isn't you giving her advice, it's a third party. The biggest 'prize' in the frame is the house & I think legal advice is vital if she is to come away with a share of the proceeds that reflects her original investment. Does she have records from the time of the purchase, for example?

I was wondering who gets the house - and does the one not getting the house expect a share, and if they do expect a share of the value of the house where is that going to come from, does your mother have savings, or will she have to sell the house.

And does what she earns provide enough to live on, if not will she have to downsize and live off her savings.

If she was married she would be entitled to a share of his pension, is she in this case?

etc etc etc

I would definitely see a solicitor and see what she is entititled to and try to get her to be more cautious about her situation.

Imagine DF finds he is not as well off as he thought or finds new partner then decides he is entitled to half the value of the house, which he could be for all I know, what then?

I'd forgotten you could get free consultations, thanks mummytime

JosieZ The plan is for Mum to stay in the house until dsis finishes school (2 years), then downsize, when the money from the house will be divided up. She isn't entitled to any of Dad's pension afaik.

Thanks everyone for all the advice, I'll be passing it along.

Whose name is on the house deeds?