We've got it all wrong, how do we put it right?

[cheekymonk]

Morning all. Writing this after arguing with dh until at least midnight last night! We have been married over 10 years and have ds aged 7 and dd aged 16 months. Dh works away (was in navy but now in another job which means he can work away 1 2 or 3 nights per week). All our family live away and we have few friends in this area. We have a lot of debt and we are seeing CAMHS soon as ds is having difficulty accepting dd and suffers from anxiety.
Dh and I have been arguing most of weekend. I had food poisoning on fri and asked him to take dd to nursery but said i would take ds to school. I felt really rough and barely got to school but it is only 10 min walk. he refused to take ds when ds asked him to take him as ds could see I was unwell. me being ill highlights how much i do and how the family seem lost when i am not right. i love being needed so much but it is so much pressure! i have criticised dh and been really horrible, calling him useless etc. him and ds argue constantly and dh refuses to accept any responsibility or try to change. i realise that i am perhaps controlling and a bit of a perfectionist so whatever dh does may not be good enough. i just have got used to having to do almost everything. Dh works full time, i work part time but i do all the cooking and the lions share of everything else (housework, budget, making sure everyone is where they should be at right time with correct stuff etc). We take it in turns to put one child to bed so i do ds and he does dd one night then swap over, he spends all his time with us and is committed in that respect but I feel none of us have our space and we are hemmed in.not sure where to start in sorting things out but i know i resent him working away. Anyone have any advice or thoughts?

At last! chance to catch up and digest/reply to comments. I definitely agree that equal free time is essential. trouble is, it is skewed as DH is away. yes he is working for some of it but also goes for runs, has hotel meals and I think the luxury of going to sleep knowing you are only going to be woken up by an alarm clock!! He has no time really when at home.
This has made me realise i do depend on dh for alot. if I was out with other mums for the day and fulfilled would i be so worried if he was late home? i get stressed as i don't always know what time he will be home, especially if he has been away and am just desperate for him to come through the door and relieve me! I'm less like this on a normal day but I agree that maybe i need to look at the isolation side of things.
Sometimes i have found it easier when dh is away, less arguments, can get on with things and do them without having to negotiate almost on my every action but no, we all miss him...
I feel hurt that dh chose another job that took him away from us but maybe i am unreasonable about this, again depending on him too much. he is earning a living but i feel the endless separation has done and does us damage as a family.
We do need a plan of action. i def need to know things are going to change and am hoping CAMHS can help us (did i say ds has been referred for his anxiety?)
Dh struggles to give reassurance and just make you feel good sometimes. he's been brought up to think it is weak but both ds and I struggle with this. So whilst i am the more vocal, sweary, ranty one, i know i do say some positive whilst it would be good if dh said i looked nice, noticed i had lost weight etc. i can feel invisible.
We have agreed as our first step, to just be a bit kinder to one another.
Anyway dh has made a cup of tea, kids in bed so time for us to make some progress! thank you everyone. you are all really helping x

wow, your post reads like some of mine last year. Its so hard dealing with your H working away - you so look forward to him coming home, but then your routines go out of the window, he's too tired to really give you what you've been hoping for and its one big disappointment until the next time!

Please please make sure you sort this out while you can - it honestly cannot go on like this. I really don't want your relationship to go downhill as fast as mine, but once you both stop trying it will. You have a chance to save it. Go for it! x

Is this job of his something he really likes or is it the only currently available way for him to earn enough money? I appreciate that in the present economic climate a lot of people are having to do jobs that really screw up their family lives but it's not great for someone to behave as though Doing The High Earning Job means the rest of the family just have to suck up all the inconveniences attached to having that person working long hours and then contributing no domestic work or childcare.

You've been great doingitformyself, thank you. Yes i totally agree with your last post!
Well he does like job but when he took it he said he could only see himself doing it for 2 years. Its been 2 years! Suspect he is ready for a change but as jobs are precarious he is sticking with it. They have been a nice company to work for too. I agree solidgoldbrass, it can feel like we just have to get on with it.
We have decided to start planning for moving which i know some advised against but I do think our current situation is making us all miserable. Just need to keep an extra eye on ds as i don't want him to get anymore insecure.