How to repair a relationship with a bullying sister

[vannah]

Hope this is in the right board.

My Sister and I, both in our 40s grew up being very close on the whole..but in the past decade or so we've had fallouts and arguments. She's about 6 yrs older than I am, but has often taken on a bossy tone with me and I'm now older and able to say that I don't want to be disrespected.

In the past few weeks we stopped talking altogether because I find her to be so rude for example I hate the way she sometimes answers the phone when she knows it's me, she sounds thoroughly annoyed, sighs and says something along the lines of "yes, go on..what?". I'm usually too nervous to carry on a normal conversation so I often just stammer a bit, mumble something and keep the conversation short. She often puts me down whenever she sees me, comments like "oh my god, you look awful" which really ruin my day.

Most of the time she is very nice, kind, supportive, helpful, funny and the only member of our family that I have a bond with.

Ive recently had a very bad health scare which left me feeling as though I'd like to live a simple life as possible with minimal stress.
As phoning her stresses me, I stopped about a couple of months ago. She didn't like this so called me to challenge/argue, I explained (probably loaded with emotion and not esp diplomatic) that I am fed up with her rudeness and her criticisms of me. She said that she can't change the way she is, she doesnt mean anything nasty by it and that I should feel flattered because this is how she is with people who are closest to her.

She's currently going through a possible divorce because her husband is never at home, she suspects an affair but I suspect an affair plus avoidance on his part. If I, her own sister wants to keep away, he must too. That's not very loyal of me to say...but that is a feeling I get.

The question is how to I resolve it? I've written her a letter but it's turned into a 5 pg essay. Conversations over the phone are too heated. She's denying nasty comments she has made in the past.. And should I be dragging up the past? Im very much put off her because of the past.

I want to resolve it. The more time passes the harder it gets for me to contact her. Our father has advanced cancer and we were, up until I stopped calling her, working together very closely on this and supporting one another.

Ay suggestions? Many thanks

I'm not sure she is a bully-proper iyswim, just rude. My sister was like this, exceptionally rude and brusque in conversation if she was in a mood. I'm of the same school as you: it's not acceptable, ever; I don't care who it is or how close we are. She couldn't get it that I didn't like it and thought I was being petty. It wasn't petty to me.

I'm speaking in the past tense because we are now not in contact - her rudeness escalated and became full-blown abuse.

It sounds like you are both under enormous pressure and the cracks in your relationship are beginning to show (there are cracks in every relationship). I think you are doing the right thing to re-draw boundaries - like she says, she's been doing this for ever; she needs to respect your boundaries and to that end you have to hold them.

I'd keep the 5-page letter to yourself (probably helped you to write it out) and precis it down to very short and straight to the point: you don't like her rudeness/brusqueness and it has to stop. Period. Try not to get emotional about it: not nice, not nasty, just straight.

There are a lot of people like this about imo. They can make you a gibbering self-conscious wreck - so, yes, it's bullying but often by default (they've never had anyone stand up to them). You go girl: it doesn't matter what shit is going down, you don't want to be spoken to like that. Ever.

If she continues to do it, turn heel and walk away/get in the car/whatever - immediately (don't say a word). If she picks the phone up like that, replace the receiver. You've got to be tough I think. Try not to be emotional, just do it as a matter of course.

If she thinks she can do what she likes then you can do what you like. It works both ways. She doesn't get to call the shots or dictate the flavour of your relationship: there are two of you in it.

sorry for triple posts!

Ah that's so reassuring to read. Thanks for the replies Springydaffs. I'd like to just lay low. Only trying to resolve matters because of my dad and his cancer. Our paths are inevitably going to cross soon...

Good to know I'm not being overly sensitive. Thank you.

If she answers the phone like that, just put it down without saying a word.

If she says you look awful, say "And now I feel awful" and eyeball her.

You have to let her know she can't talk to you like that. I feel sorry for her husband, to be honest. Has she always been like this?

Hi Vannah, I've got a bullying younger sister, and unfortunately in my case, I had to cut contact with her over 10 years ago, it got that bad.

The suggestions you have had above are really good. If you don't feel like contacting her at the moment, then don't. There will come a time when you have to and I would let her make the first move. Then have a short script in mind - stick to short topics which are not going to anger her, for example, meeting to discuss arrangments for your dad, rather than discussing the arrangement over the phone. Then, if possible, make sure any meetings with her are in public places (where she can't get arsey) or there are other people involved (so yes, she must behave).

Unfortunately when you are dealing with someone like this, you have to put in such measures/boundaries to protect yourself from them. I know, it's stupid, isn't it? A person who you love and who is supposed to love you, needs these measures.

Good luck, I wish I had had such advice when I was dealing with the bullying from my sister.

I know it's hard not to get emotional (I shake ) but do try. Practice at home, making short statements - write out what you want to say. When you say it it may come out a bit jumbled because you are so nervous but don't worry, it's got to be said. Try not to be arsey but flat iyswim. If you are arsey it will up the ante and you don't want that.

I have two bullying sisters (lucky me!) and they both make me shake. The older one (6 years older) is the one who makes me shake the most. I don't think she's ever cottoned on that I am no longer 6yo tbh.

Many thanks for the kind replies all ...