How do you talk to someone you don't feel you can talk to?

[SausageSmuggler]

I love DH more than anything but there are parts of our marriage where I'm really miserable and I need to raise the issues with him. The problem is I don't feel I can talk to him. I'm no good whatsoever with confrontation I clam up, forget my points and/or burst into tears. If I do try to talk to him he just goes silent and it creates a horrible atmosphere. I was thinking about writing a letter instead but I'm not sure how to word it without it coming across as a blatant attack. I know I'm not perfect and he has gripes with me the difference is he will bring it up, I can't for some reason.

My main problems are that I feel undervalued, I'm doing a degree and in the middle of doing my dissertation as well as being a SAHM to our 2 DC's. Often I get the impression he thinks I do nothing all day and even when I tell him exactly what I've done (which I don't think I should have to do) I reckon he thinks I should've done more.

My other issue is that I feel he undermines me as a mum. He's much softer with DS (19m) than me, even DSIL has pointed it out and as such DS knows he can get away with more and I have such a battle with him because there's no consistency. I don't want to be the bad guy, it's a shit place to be. DD is not such an issue yet because she's only 3 months. I've said things like 'this is how I do it and I've found it works', he'll agree to do it that way then doesn't. DS's behaviour is so different during the week than at the weekend.

There's also some IL issues but I don't feel it would be appropriate to bring them up with this stuff too. How should I approach the whole thing?

Meant to add that in regards to the degree when I get a good grade I often feel really deflated by his lack of enthusiasm. I don't think I want much just a bit of recognition or him to say he's proud of me. I didn't think I'd get into uni let alone do well at it.

bump!

Your dh has an opinion and prefers to do things a different way. You are probably knackered if you are running a house and doing a degree. When I had a brief period of not working I felt quite defensive and if my dh perfectly pleasantly asked me what I'd been up to during the day I would at times answer quite aggressively. It was all in my head. As you are at the dissertation state youu are approaching the end of your study. Why don't you wait until it's over and then see how you feel?

There's loads I could say. It reminds me of how I felt with my xh, but that's another thread and there were many issues there.

Have you thought about talking this through with a counsellor, or do you have a wise friend you can chat it over with? I'd mentally rehearse the key points you want to make, and make sure you get to say them. Do it when the dcs are in bed, so (hopefully!) you won't be interrupted.

I wish you luck. It's horrible when you don't feel valued and you do sound to have a lot on your plate. Perhaps he's feeling neglected and is reacting with some childish and petulant behaviour because of that. You don't need an extra child though and he needs to grow up

You shouldn't feel undervalued in an equal relationship. You shouldn't be pressurised into explaining what you've done around the house. You should be supported as you try to improve yourself, not held back. Partners that love and care for each other shouldn't leave the other feeling too scared to speak up. They should be able to listen, not go into some silent sulk.

My fear is that what you've got there is a controlling bully who is keeping you on the back foot by not supporting, respecting or helping you. He knows you're anxious to please and not good at confrontation so he's playing to your weaknesses.

You'll either have to find your voice, be more assertive and/or seek personal counselling or nothing will change.

Spot on, cogito. Counselling helped me find my voice but it took ages, xh had done a real number on me.
Would highly recommend it, op.

Thanks for the replies. I think a big part of the problem is I don't speak up and obviously because he's not a mind reader he's not called on it. When DD had her last HV check I was just over the threshold for PND. There's been a lot of stuff going on though (degree, house move which also included a 3 week stay at the IL's when DD was a month old and a bout of mastitis) so we decided to revisit it at her next check in case it was circumstantial stress. I do think councelling would help me find a voice I've been like this for far too long and I want to be a strong role model for my kids. Is it something I can get a referral from my HV for or does it have to be the GP?

Sorry if the info is a bit of a drip feed.

Does your DH have a degree? Just asking because it might be that he is feeling threatened by your studies.

Second thing is, practise standing up for yourself with really small things first. Say "Dinner will be at 6.30 tonight", for example. Say No occasionally when asked to do something. It's about becoming used to feeling the discomfort that this causes, before moving on to bigger issues. I have the same as you, feel dreadfully uncomfortable in confrontations and am always trying to placate and mediate. I just go blank! So can really sympathise, it's an important thing.

Thirdly, are you perhaps projecting? Does your DH really think you aren't doing much all day, or do you assume he is?

almost yes he does have a degree but he had the whole student experience of living away from home and getting drunk rather a lot. He might not realise the work I do because the degrees are very different. Also he's one of those annoying people who can churn out an essay the night before its due and still get a decent grade.

You could be right I could be projecting - I often read way too much into texts or the odd throw away comment. Don't get me wrong I don't back down over everything, small things are fine and he normally takes it with good grace. It's just the big important things I have problems with .

I read somewhere or saw on telly or something that it's much easier to talk about tricky situations with men if you're in the car, because you're in close proximity but it's easier for things to feel less confrontational because there's no direct eye contact.

I find it really works if I have something important I want to talk to DH about when I know he's not going to like what I have to say. We can have a rational conversation without it turning into a row.