Struggling with relationship with my Baby's father who left when I was 4 months pregnant

[ThoughtsPlease]

For background and if anyone remembers, here is a link to my thread when I was 4 months pregnant and the father of my now 5 week old baby suddenly left.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1340988-Its-all-gone-wrong-again

Since leaving in November 2011, he made no attempt to contact me at all, ever! His children attend the same dancing school as my 2 girls and he went out of his way to avoid me, and ignored me if he did see me.

When my little boy was born, he heard about it and when he was a few days old then sent me an email asking what contact I suggested. My son is exclusively breastfed so contact could only be with me present, or for very short periods, and I do not want him at my house, I think it might also be confusing for my girls, he is not their father but when we were in a relationship they adored him. So I suggested that for now he sees his son at the dancing school we all go to each week, he was happy with this.

The thing is he is now overly nice to me, hugging and kissing, putting kisses on the end of every text he sends, saying how wonderfully I am doing, how perfect our son is etc. Yesterday I went with a friend to a summer carnival, where some of the older girls from the dancing school were performing, and he was there, I don't think he expected to see me, and then he said how nice it was to see me! Now after the way he treated me I really believe I would have no desire to restart any relationship, but it has all really upset me, and I feel like I did when he left last year. It was towards the end of last summer when our little boy was conceived after such a fantastic summer together, and it has brought it all back. And of course I am probably a bit emotional had I gave birth 5 weeks ago.

I know it will be ok, but now I can't stop crying. He made no contact with me for 6 months, ignored me when he saw me, and now is all overly friendly! I can't work out whether this will get easier or harder. To start with I thought this is good we can parent well together if we get on ok now, but it all seems very confused.

Stay strong. These men seem to think they can walk away causing devastation to us and then all be best friends within a very short space of time...

My H walked out on us and wants us to be friends. I said not for a very long time if ever. It's up to you how friendly you are with your xp. If he is overstepping the mark just let him know.

Yes don't they just!

I just feel so emotionally happy when I look at my 5 week old son and I guess as his father I want him to be able to experience that with his son too, and for my little boy to bond with his Daddy. And so I don't want to be awkward, but at the same time I really don't like his over familiarity now, I really don't want to be drawn back in to it.

Does anyone else have any advice.....I really need it please!

I'd definitely maintain my distance.
Avoid hugs and kisses and let him know that it's not appropriate and that the only reason he is there it's because of the baby.

You don't owe him anything, so don't worry about hurting him or anything.

It's possible that he is trying to wriggle in your heart too. Be careful.

Yes you are right I should try to maintain my distance. I've been fine until yesterday and now I feel so emotional about it all. I just keep thinking that the joy of this perfect little baby boy, his few firts newborn weeks should be being shared by his Mummy and Daddy together.

There are many other events coming up over the summer where he willbe there also and now I'm worried about feeling upset about it all all summer, and then suddenly realising that my newborn boy is not a newborn anymore, and I've not properly enjoyed it.

That's it, just enjoy your baby and don't worry about the dad.
It's his loss and his choice. Not yours.

have you thought about writing down what you are and aren't comfortable with? I find it helps to be clear in my own head about where my boundaries are. It gives me permission to say no to my ex, and helps me to stay strong when I really feel emotional and like I want to crumble.

EG, you could start with something along the lines of: I'm happy to stay with DS and talk to his father about neutral subjects (such as X and Y) but not to talk about A, B or C (such as my personal life, my DD's, money etc). I am happy to go out to X and Y place to facilitate contact at these... times of day, but not to allow him into my home to visit or to come round after ...pm in the evening as this disrupts the childrens routine. I am willing to meet up (x number of times a year - 4monthly or 6monthly or whatever) to discuss shared parenting issues and review contact arrangements, but between these regular times I will not change regular plans or discuss major decisions. Financial support will be organised through (CSA/Family arrangement) and will be £xx amount a month, paid to me by (standing order, direct debit etc)...

You don't actually have to give this in writing to your ex. It's about getting clarity in your own mind, so that you have your answers ready when the next topic comes up.

Once you know what your answers are going to be and how much mental and physical space you are prepared to give him, then you just stick to that like glue for the time being. If you build in regular chances to talk or re-think (2 or 3 times a year seems like a reasonable starting point) it gives you a few months grace between while, to defer to if you need to.

It might help to ask someone to sit down with you and work it out, a trusted friend, or a family law advisor if you think you need that. Possibly just your mum, but be aware of talking it through with people who are potentially angry on your behalf or have a vested interest in influencing what you decide!

Good luck. And enjoy your DS :) you deserve it!

That's a good idea thanks. I thought I had it all clear, but it has become quite muddled this week.

I think the contact away from home at a neutral place, it is a routine as we just take our children there every week works well, but yesterday it was a social event and it all seemed different.

I also don't know what to do over the summer holidays, when the dance classes stop so contact will have to be somewhere else. My girls get on very well with his girls, and they all enjoy each others company, my eldest has also become increasingly friendlier to him since he has been seeing us again since the baby was born. Yesterday she asked him to lift her on his shoulders. She has been in dance classes for most of the time when he has been seeing the baby, but in the holidays obviously she won't, and I think she might be confused by what might seem like a return in some way to how things were. My girls see their dad every other weekend, so that could be a time when he could see him when my girls weren't around, but I think my girls would then want to see him and his girls, and where is this going to take place, I don't think at my house is a good idea.

Maybe I am over thinking this a little! Wouldn't be the first time, but I really don't know what to do, it all seems very confused and complicated.

Have all meetings at a contact centre-will put paid to any bullshit. Tbh I think the tone of your thread is that you are looking for the green light to go ahead and restart a relationshio with this man...

Please think of your dcs needs first and dont have any more children with men you barely know.

Well thanks for your advice

Actually I am looking for help to steer well clear of exactly that, not to go back there.

Op-I have given you advice on how to avoid falling back into a bad relationship-do it properly through a contact centre and then you dont have to even speak to him. Tbh all this meeting up at your dds dance classes sounds really immature and is probably more confusing to your dds.

Just avoid other situations where you might see him-dont engage with him.

Why does it sound inmmature? We are there every week and so is he with his girls.

I have no experience of contact centres, but I have to say it is not really something I would want to start doing. And do you really think choosing to not speak to the father of your child is healthy?

*immature..obviously

I think not speaking to the father of your child is acceptable when the guy concerned is clearly a twunt-the twunt who walked out on you a few months into the pregnancy and didnt want anything to do with his baby-remember?

Im sorry I just cant imagine taking my dd to dance class and then going oh look theres my babydaddy over there-cooeee!!

There's speaking and there's speaking.

He is obviously getting too friendly.

Keep lines of communication open, but otherwise stick to essentials and keep your distance. He's there to be with the baby, not you.
You can just pass on the baby and give them space. Even leave for a while.
He is breastfeeding, not attached at the hip.
No reason why the dad can't take him to a park or his home if not too far.

That actually made me laugh, though it really isn't like that!

But in reality we can't not speak surely? Conversation has been very limited, it's just that 4 weeks in he has started making jokes and being overly friendly, which I have just ignored, and contiuned with only the basic necessary conversation, such as 'I've just fed him, so he would prefer to be held upright over your shoulder'.

He can't really take him anywhere much without me at the moment, and actually I don't think he wants to, he hasn't asked to. We arrive at the dancing school and qute naturally I pass him our son, and I generally don't talk to him much, I go off and talk to other friends there, but I am there if I am needed, as sometimes he hasn't just been fed as he has been asleep and then wakes up and wants feeding.

Lueji - he is 5 weeks old, and has some routine, but it can change daily, and he might want feeding at say 2pm one day, but 3 or 4pm the next day. Yes obviously I guess in 4 weeks time when the summer holidays start, it may well be more predictable, but in my experience of breastfeeding my 2 girls, there is always the chance that feeding times can take you by surprise until starting on solids.

But surely after feeding you have at least a 2 hour window.

Still, a few more weeks in and you could start expressing too.

Time goes by quickly and no harm in having a plan for when routine is better established.

The point is that the routine is not always the same, so it would really need to be arranged on the day.

I haven't got time to be expressing, and also don't have a breast pump or any bottles or steriliser anymore.

Does anyone else have any advice or experience?

Apart from the practical side of contact, I am now struggling with the memories of what we did have, but then I remember how awful he became, but now he's being all nice again! And I really need to stay strong and stay away!

Its a difficult one. I know its better to be civil for the kids sake, BUT.... at the moment I am not speaking to my H at all. I say bye to DD then usher her out the door and I do not see him or speak to him at all. That is the only way I want to deal with it at present. I know that he wants to smile and say hello and be friendly, but for me to act like that is very hard, because of all that has happened.

Just hold on to the bad thoughts, how he has treated you, how he walked out on you. Dont let memories overide the reasons why you should not be with him.

I second Ishoes advice and I'm also of the opinion that you are in danger of going right back where you started from.

This piece of gobshite man has proved that he's not fit to lick your boots. Treat him accordingly. He can have contact with his ds in a contact centre or he doesn't get to have contact.

Has he sent gifts for the child? Has he offered to pay, or is he paying, maintenance?

In the event that you sign up for another ride on his merry-go-round, I suggest you get a coil or take the pill.

Perhaps it's all a bit too soon to have contact as you are letting him hug and kiss you on meeting. Being confused about it, means you are not over him yet as you would tell him where to go if he did that otherwise, and you would cease to care what his motives are because you would know where you were at, which is what counts. So to get over him it's easiest to avoid if that is what you want to do. I doubt your child will suffer when so young. Leave it till you have weaned him off. A few wronged people may say he doesn't deserve contact but you are right to maintain it for the sake of your DS, just let him wait and stew a while so you can get him out of your system.