Husband, porn, no sex drive - I don't know what to do

[FanOfSlippers]

My husband and I have a 9 month old baby. Generally we're very happy, he's my best friend and we rarely have anything to argue about. Although we're very affectionate - hugs, brief kisses, back-rubs, etc - I've had virtually no sex drive since having our baby. I think it's important to mention that I don't fancy other people, don't fantasise about sex with anyone else, don't ever masturbate (I used to, like most people I'd guess, but it literally just doesn't occur to me now). It's like that part of me has been switched off.

I'm still breastfeeding, just as an aside.

I love my husband but I almost never want to properly kiss or do anything else intimate. If he tries to initiate something I have to stop myself from recoiling completely, and instead bring it to a stop gently. I don't want to hurt him. I deeply miss the intimacy, but I can't conjure up my sex drive from nowhere.

I've realised he's using porn on his phone, generally every other day or so. (There was no snooping when I first found out - we use each others' phones all the time, so I'm surprised he didn't delete his browsing history.)

The porn really bothers me. I have moral and ideological problems with porn. I have NO problem at all with him masturbating - I understand how frustrating this is for him too. But him using porn just makes me feel so unhappy. This morning I left him in bed while I made a father's day fry up, which we ate together with our little one (the baby had baked beans, not fried bacon!). Then we opened his card and gifts together. It was lovely. Except while I was downstairs making breakfast with our baby, he was watching porn on his phone in bed. And now I feel like our morning was less lovely.

I know there will be people of the opinion that if I feel unable to be intimate with him more than once a month, then I have no right to expect anything else. Perhaps people might even think I'm lucky he's 'just' using porn and isn't off finding sex elsewhere. But that isn't how I feel.

Have you talked to him about this? Porn is a no-no for me (masturbating to women being abused, as far as I'm concerned) but maybe not for others - obviously an issue for you.

Is he aware that you're upset about it?

Not yet. I realised about the porn last weekend and felt a bit paralysed by it. I'm really not into secrets and spying, but I thought I'd wait and see if perhaps it'd been a one off, but looking at his phone today it clearly isn't.

I guess my problem is that I'm strongly against porn, but I'm concerned that my issues with sex mean that I don't have a strong case to ask him to stop. I'm very conflicted.

Does he know how you feel about porn? He's not a mindreader. You wouldn't be unreasonable to explain your issues to him and by issues I mean your feelings towards sex at the moment and your feelings about porn.

Please don't feel like that. You DO have a strong case to ask him to stop or at the very least to tell him that you know about it and to talk about it.

Your post doesn't make it clear whether your baby is a girl but if it is, you may like to ask him how he would feel in 20 years if men were wanking over her on their phones - sorry to be crude but we need to be explicit here.

How about talking about your lack of sex drive with him - I would honestly feel sick of my partner did this and would go off him big time. The word here is Boundaries, ie what you will or won't accept in a relationship.

The breastfeeding isn't an aside, it could be the entire explanation.

I totally switch off sexually when I'm breastfeeding.

I feel like you do about porn. I have no respect for men who "use" it, and I wouldn't have married someone with a habit like that.

If my lower libido because of feeding our baby led to DH using porn I would be disgusted with him.

You need to talk to him.

I really understand you feeling conflicted.

The thing is he probably sees nothing wrong with porn, many (most?) people just see it as harmless fun. So he might feel it's really unfair you asking him not to look at it since he's not putting pressure on you to have sex and is using it in the meantime.

However I can't see any way forward other than you speaking to him about it. Saying you understand he's sexually frustrated but that porn makes you feel extremely unhappy and uncomfortable.

Personally what would worry me is how quickly people can get addicted because it's so readily available on phones and other devices. We all know how much we check our phones/laptops/tablets so it could fast become a habit.

We've talked about porn like we've talked about a million other topics (as you do), and I though he felt roughly the same as me.

We have spoken a few times about our lack of intimacy since our son was born, and he's never unsupportive about it. He's said he wishes it was different, but in general I'd say that he was great about it.

I've wondered how much the breastfeeding might be influencing how I feel. My body hasn't been 'my own' since we conceived, and I feel like I belong more to my son than myself still. We've spoken about this too, and are both hoping things will gradually get back to normal once I stop feeding. But that won't be for a while - I love feeding my baby and at the moment my baby loves it too. My husband has never so much as intimated I should stop early or anything - he's really very switched-on/liberal/whatever. Except the porn, it seems.

Proudnscary - yes, I think it somehow seems worse because it's on his phone. It's so accessible.

You're all right, of course. I need to talk to him about it. I just feel sad - I miss our sex life too, but somehow now I'll be the nagging killjoy wife who bans porn but won't take part in the real thing. My feminist self and my judging-from-the-outside self aren't agreeing.

I think "the chat" is on the cards, don't you? The reason you love feeding your son is because you love him to bit and let's be honest...it's mummy-bonding hormones. If women didn't have them the population would die out.

A tricky one. I have no solutions or suggestions for you to be honest. Apart from "the chat".

"I feel like I belong more to my son than myself still."

Yeah, that sounds familiar.

For me it gradually came back when I started dropping feeds when the DDs were over a year.

In fact they were feeding differently by then - shorter feeds, seemed less about having a big "feed" than a quick cuddle as they got more established on solids.

At 9 months no way would I have been happy to stop breastfeeding for sex. The wish to "get my body back" did manifest towards the end.

Hi Fanofslippers. You sound a little like me, although your much further on than me and our situations are different.

I have always been very sexual, always more than my DH (but he never said no or struggled keeping up) Like you, i am now breastfeeding and do not feel upto it at all. We only tried it again last week when my DD was 8.5 weeks old. With our first DD we were back to normal after 3 weeks! But, i was 7 years younger then.

I am now worried what our situation may turn into. I dont think my DH would use porn (but then i bet you thought that about your DH didnt you) I think its a vicious circle if im honest.

When hes at home im always worrying how hes feeling about it and what hes thinking. So far hes been very pacient. Of course hes hinted hes keen to get back into it, but hes also added that hes happy to wait for aslong as it takes. I bit the bullet and tried to dtd last week. It wasnt half as bad as i thought, and i quite enjoyed it. We took it very easy. It was slightly uncomfortable, but i didnt mention this to him, nor was it too uncomfortable to stop either. I personally found that the more i "got into it" the more i wanted it.

I also feel like you, i adore feeding my daughter and feel my body belongs to her. But i also remember it belongs to me too. Theres a very fine line between both and it is very difficult.

I have no advise for you, just wanted to let you now your not alone xxx

I think you do need to talk to him about how you both feel about porn.

It is worrying that he seems to using it quite a bit - its very easy to become dependent on it as using porn can produce dopamine, the chemical that responsible for addiction.

Men do not need porn in order to masturbate so do not let him get away with this argument.