Is this part of the EA games?

[DoingItForMyself]

STBXH and I were discussing things surrounding the end of our marriage. Now that he has accepted that he treated me badly and it is out in the open, he has been saying that it only happened because I let it happen.

If I'd stood up to him and not been so emotional he wouldn't have been able to treat me the way he has.

This morning I quietly said to him "I never allowed it. I told you that it was unacceptable, but you did it anyway. It was not my fault. It continued to happen NOT because I allowed it to, but because I loved you too much to walk away from it. Luckily now I don't."

I felt so strong after I said it. But why do I still feel that if I'd been a 'better' person, stronger, more interesting, more lovable, that he wouldn't have been so mean to me? Could I ever have prevented this, or is he re-writing the past again?

Not yet, no....you sound suspicious. Should I be worried?!

He disappeared off the other evening (I found out later it was to view the place) and said it would be available from the end of next week (now this week) but it may need a bit of DIY. I said I'd help him to make it ok for the DCs (and for him) if he wanted.

We had a chat earlier and I said it was hard living in this limbo and that it would have been easier for me if he'd left sooner, but i understand that for the DCs having a while to get used to the idea is better.

He won't pack til the day before and the new place is tiny, so I know he'll leave loads of his stuff here, which again I've said will be odd, having reminders of him everywhere, but we both agree that there's nothing to be salvaged from our relationship and that this is the only thing we can do.

So you're lumbered with his Mr Nice act him for at least another week plus at least a week after that while he does diy on the place before he moves in...

Sorry, honey, but yeah - I'm suspicious.

Why not get him to show willing by labelling the stuff he's planning on taking and box up the remainder and stick it in a storage facility so that you don't have constant reminders if after he goes?

Good plan Izzy. I'll also ask if he has the contract yet and whether the DCs might be able to pop up there with him to have a look round so that they can see where they will be staying.

I honestly don't think he has any notions of trying to stay here though.

He says, he's not trying to improve for me, its to help the DCs to come to terms with what's happening (by confusing the hell out of them?!) and that he knows there is no way we can live together as the way 'we' have behaved isn't fair on the DCs and they shouldn't have to live with all the shouting (he has never shouted, being the calm silent one - so of course he is martyring himself to protect them from 'mad mummy' who screams and shouts at poor daddy.)

There are no mixed messages from me if he listens to the words, not just the sadness and there are very few messages of any description from him, except that I am too shouty for him to live with!

Oh and he says he is not feeling very emotional about it all at the moment because no-one knows what it will actually be like when it happens .

I said that we know exactly how it will feel as he went to work abroad a couple of years ago, coming home once a month for a week. He bawled his eyes out the day he left and phoned me halfway there to say that he couldn't go through with it.

I'd done my crying and by the time it happened I was prepared and supported him to go for the first month and see how he felt.

I said that this will feel very similar, but that he won't be coming back, ever and he is not being sent off with love and support for choosing a difficult career path. But according to him the geographical distance is what makes this ok, even though the actual situation is so much sadder.

Maybe this will only hit him when he walks out of the door, whereas I am doing my grieving in advance and will be relieved when it happens. It feels a bit like my parents dying of cancer, the illness is the worst part, the anger, then acceptance, the sadness and finally relief when it actually happens. He obviously doesn't have the imagination to feel sadness until the final part.

I don't think he understands what this actually means. He thinks he can join you for dinner on a regular basis and essentially walk in and out of your home and your life when it suits him. He will leave a lot of his things with you, in your home. Not only constant reminders but it will be like he hasn't really gone permanently.

Consider this...there will come a time when you start to redecorate/buy things for your home which are to your taste, not his. He will notice those things and he will comment (negatively IMO) on them. You might begin then to resent the access he has. I know you think letting him in will make it easier for your dcs but look at it from the point of view that actually it could just confuse them more. He will have 'his' place, free of you, but you won't be free of him.

Yes, I know what you mean Lazarus, although he has said that I can go to his house for dinner too and as I have offered to help him with DIY it could come across that I'm still trying to have an input into his space too.

Its all so confusing!

I've gone from hating him and feeling sick when he's in the room, to feeling sorry for him that he doesn't realise what he's given up, to wondering if a trial separation would give us all time to mend our ways, to now realising that he was abusive and that if I let him back into MY life I am condoning what he has done and knowing that I WILL be happier without him.

I now feel confident that this is a permanent split but we are both talking about being friends etc, which feels bizarre when he was never my friend while we were together - I felt at best like a burden, at worst like a stalker trying to force him to want to spend time with me & the DCs when all he wanted was to escape!

Buy yourself a plain cushion cover, cross-stitch the words 'Leopards Don't Change Their Spots' on it, and place it in a prominent position on your sofa/favourite chair/bed.

Look at said motif until you are able to resist any fond notion that it doesn't apply to him - because it does, honey, and you'll be in danger of allowing history to repeat itself if you allow him back into your heart or your home.

Once an abuser, always an abuser. No matter what mask they wear, they're as incapable of changing their true colours as the leopard is of changing its spots.

See I still get choked up when I think those words Izzy, "He is an abuser".

He's the father of my children and the man I loved. I'm now questioning what was 'fact' a couple of weeks ago. I know that the things he has said (albeit 'jokingly') about my appearance, the way he refused to apologise and didn't bother to comfort me when I was upset, the denial of things he had said only seconds before, all of that = emotional abuse. The fact that he sees it merely as incompatibility is still making me doubt myself.

In a way I wish there had been something more concrete, more obvious, as awful as that sounds, so that there could be no doubt in my mind. I know that by being friendly to him and staying involved with his family there will be questions asked about my 'side' of events - after all who would want to be friends with someone who had treated them like that?!

Maybe I'm trying to be friends with him so that the last 14 years don't feel like a total waste (the Concorde fallacy!?) and obviously so that it is easier with the DCs. I feel that I can be stronger without him in my heart and my home, so his games won't affect me, but I'm sure they will.

Can't go wrong with Groucho. Not read your previous thread so I don't know how long you put up with him. IMHO he would of been the same with with a 'stronger' person. The difference being that it would of made for a much shorter relationship as they would of binned him sooner. Now you are that stronger person he's on about you want to do the same. I hope he doesn't have a key to where you live, get the locks changed if he does

It's not exactly the Concorde fallacy DIFM, because you have your lovely DC, so the last 14 years are not a waste.

Opentooffers, I think I'm right in saying that while he pays the mortgage he's allowed keys? Once we get to actual divorce stage then I will figure a way round that, him buying me out so that I can stay and pay.

that should be me buying him out shouldn't it?!

I don't think he can just walk into your home when he likes whether he pays the mortgage or not. Clarify that with a solicitor.

I understand what you're saying but he has not treated you with love, never mind respect. If you see someone upset, your natural reaction is to try and comfort them, whether they be a friend, stranger or someone you love. He didn't do that for you through his own choice. He chose to ignore it. It's one of several things from your posts that show how little he cares. Hold onto that and don't worry about justifying things to other people. I would guess that your 'friendly' relationship won't last long anyway. Abusers don't want to see their victims (for want of a better word) happy and free.

catrin on another thread just posted this:

A lovely friend of mine told me that women cry during the breakup, men do it afterwards and it is so true. We know what they will lose, they only do when it is gone.

So far, so true!

Unless you are in possession of an occupation or similar Court order, if both names are on the deeds/mortgage you cannot legally change the locks.

However, accidents happen. Keys can get lost or broken in locks necessitating a change and spares may not always be available if/when requested by the other party.

I like your style izzyin

I think EAs do play around with their identities. One minute abusive, the next charming or funny, the next sad and pathetic. So it can be confusing.

Unfortunately, for whatever reason, their new partner or lover does not immediately "act" on the first sign or act of total disrespect, name-calling, outrageous selfishness. But it is never too late.

For every problem there is usually more than one solution, lazarusb

Hurrah! I am so full of myself today

Just fixed the front door lock, which H had tinkered with the other night preventing it from locking properly. I explained in great detail why I imagined that it didn't fit now and what he could do to sort it out. He dismissed my suggestions and he was adamant that it was broken from being slammed by one of DS's friends, nothing to do with him trying to tighten it up, that it hadn't been right since we moved in 4 years ago and we would need to 'get a man in.'

I just got a screwdriver, did exactly what I told him to do and hey presto - it works! I won't tell him, I'll wait until he says "oh the door closes ok now" and then claim my credit

See, I am capable and sensible and will be fine on my own.

We had to go somewhere together today and he said "do you want to drive?" I calmly explained that I never drive with him as the passenger due to constant comments "why are you going this way? Wouldn't that way be quicker/easier" "you could get a bus through there" "Is that how you're leaving it parked" etc.

He apologised and said he'd never meant to erode my confidence. I said "what did you expect to happen when you criticised everything I ever did?"

The message is getting through to him, slowly but surely.

Oh and we went 'his way' and the traffic was so busy he couldn't get off the roundabout and had to go round again and got stuck at loads of lights.

I said "that's why I don't go this way"

If you can't beat em join em.

Your skill with a screwdriver should ensure you won't have any problem changing a lock or two if occasion arises.

Have you seen that contract yet? Has he provided his date of depature?

I do so hope you're not beginning to fool yourself that he's capable of changing. Many others have made that mistake to their inevitable cost.

No I know he won't change with me Izzy, but I'm hoping he can change on his own so that he can be a better dad for the DCs. [daftly optimistic emoticon]

He said he can get his keys tomorrow and I suggested he take the DCs to see it which he said was a nice idea.

He reiterated that he will not be speaking to a solicitor to find out how to shaft me financially ("the only people who get any extra money that way are the solicitors") and that his main priority is keeping the DCs happy by being fair.

I said that fairness is a subjective thing, so he's agreed to Family Mediation to sort out any money/DC issues that we can't resolve ourselves and he seems genuinely sorry when I point out all the ways in which he has let me down over the years, so I can only hope that this will continue in the same way for all our sakes.

Let's hope you can guilt trip him into a generous settlement

Think I probably can if I play my cards right. That's the main reason I want it to be amicable. Plus it feels nice doing the kind thing in stead of the vindictive thing.

Forgiveness is actually quite freeing, even though I will never get back with him, I understand him better and realise he would never have been happy with me, nor me with him.

Doesn't mean I hate him - I genuinely hope he'll be happier in his new situation but not too happy obviously!

None of us has ever doubted that you are capable and sensible DIFM You sound very nice actually. I hope this all plays out the way you want it to. Just be careful you don't give too much at the beginning, you might regret it later like I did.