I'm not sure I can do this any more

[OverwhelmedAndConfused]

I have name changed for this. I'll try to be as to the point without drip feeding as I can. I live with my dh of ten+ years, we have three dcs, the youngest of whom is 8mths old and I'm two months pg. I'm suffering from hyperemesis gravidium, vomiting constantly and have a chest infection. My gp has put me on meds which aren't working well. We live thousands of miles from family and friends and have virtually no support outside home. My dh works in a stressful job which required long hours and time away from home. I'm not coping.

I'm so sick and exhausted, and I feel that my dh resents the help he gives me. I have to ask him for every single bit of help. He refuses to iron then complains that there's no ironed clothes. I ALWAYS have everything ironed, but right now ironing more than one thing makes me vomit, and feel like I might faint.

In a couple of weeks he has to go away for work and I don't know what I will do. I admit that I pushed to have another child, having been this ill previously in pregnancy, but as usual was optimistic that it may not happen this time. When I've asked him how I will cope when he is away he just says 'you wanted this baby, you'll have to cope somehow, I cant take time off'. :(

I feel desperate and sad, like I'm neglecting my older dcs. I almost wish I hadn't decided to have another baby and am starting to ponder my other options, although that is unbearable to even write down.

Deep down I know my dh loves me, and I love him too, but I just wish he would understand. I've tried giving him links to help him understand how debilitating HG is but I don't think he's even read them. I don't even know what advice I'm looking for, I just feel sad and ill and confused over how I can even be contemplating not having this baby.

is there any family member who can fly out to be with you? Even a sympathetic soul on the house helps.

No advice re your DH. How have you not had a screaming meltdown at him yet?

In the house... Not on

I could ask my mum but money is tight at her end and ours. I've had a few minor melt downs but I don't have the energy and it does no good as he just gets defensive.

You poor thing, I've just had this with my first pregnancy and my DP was as difficult as yours is, but I have my family close by and don't have three other children to look after. No wonder you are feeling like you do.

Has your DH been this way with your previous pregnancies or is he different this time?

Stop ironing for starters, the world won't stop turning. Simplify your life as much as possible. Tell him you love him, you're really struggling and could you please hire a cleaner?

Someone to lift some of the load for a while is essential.

Ideas ;

Home start.

15hrs of childcare for older children (from Sep this is available to 2 year olds as well as 3 year olds).

Do comit to spending some money too, for £ 50 a week for example you might be able to get some ironing done, or buy packs of non-iron shirts for hubby - nothing else needs ironing at all if you have a tumble dryer (have lower standards for a while, let kids be crinkly and a bit grubby).
Might stretch to a couple of hours of baby-sitting or a child-minder for a morning, if you have any pets give them away - dog poop is just a further drain on your time, splash out on an pass to a local attraction that you can just wander the kids through whenever you need some freash air and give up thinking you need to come-up with any additional activities for them, a bit of freash air, heaps of DVD's and regular deliveries from the Book-Club will keep them going for the next 9 months.
Set up on-line food deliveries and just hit the re-orer key each week - well worth th £6 delivery fee not to have to push a trolly around.

another thought - do you have a church nearby ?
a biggish one, any faith will do, you don't have to beleive at all, worth going along as they often have kids groups that will occupy your little ones while you get to have a sit down, explain your situation and you'll be inundated with offers of help - Baptist Union are particularly fond of this - we activley seek out folks in our community who we can bug to let us help them out !

Oh honey, I've been there, it's shit. Go back to the doctors and see about different medication, there are a few different ones you could try (I found suppositories worked better than tablets, probably because I couldn't vomit them up). I've had hyperemesis with both my dc's and it is unbelievably awful, I do feel for you.

I found that getting out of the house helped a lot. Dc1 went into nursery a lot when I was pregnant with dc2. Housework got done as and when, ironing... nope.

Overwhelmed

Where are you living? I would:

1. get my mum to visit ASAP
2. Tell my DH he is being a twat unreasonable and selfish.
3. If 1 not possible and 2 does not work can you all (minus DH) go and stay with other family / friends while he is away for work?
4. Outsource, simplify, neglect housekeeping. Sod his ironing, he's a big boy. Surely he can cope with hot metal and a shirt or two?
5. Go to bed as early as humanly possible every day
6. Get the sickness sorted. Bug your GP until you see results.
7. A crying / screaming fit would also be my approach but I'm naturally neurotic and needy a bit hysterical
8. Ready meals.
9. Finally, I would find someone to look after the DC, sit DH down outside the house and give him a stern talking to. See point 7 and 2 but perhaps with less screaming.

Ultimately he's in this with you too but he seems to be abdicating all responsibility.

Can your mum have words with him? Do you have a good relationship with your MIL?

Where do you live, honey? There are mumsnetters all over the world and there may be a group near you.

if you have any pets give them away Are you serious, Rosemary? What's wrong with the OP's dc looking after any pets she may be unable to feed/water/clean?

Or how about putting Christian spirit into practice by offering to foster pets for a while if their owners are unable to cope? I seem to recall there's a patron saint of animals.. he came from Assisi.

I think you need to be tougher with your dh. And he needs to step up. You are not well. When you are 80 and need help is he going to say tough then?! You are together and supposed to support each other.

He made this baby too. He didn't just fall out of a condom.

So..... Don't iron. I never iron anyway. I tumble dry everything. I hang more than I fold and sod the rest. If your dh wants things ironed tell him he has two hands and show him where the iron is.

Anything else that is not essential can wait. All that needs to be done is minimal cleaning (I mean so it doesn't get to be a health hazard!) Cooking which can be fish fingers and chips the kids wil love it and pets can be given to dc to loo after under instruction for pocket money perhaps?

If your dh doesn't like it then he can do it better as you are not well.

Thank you for all your kind replies, I'm on my phone but will try to answer questions. We live in Australia. Unfortunately it's not as easy as the uk - daycare costs $80+/day, and my youngest is still ebf so couldn't go anyway. I do have a dryer but dh and dcs uniform can't be tumbled (they shrink) so do need a quick iron. Money is really tight just now, so hiring help isn't really an option, I wish it was. I don't have the energy hardly to get the kids to school so unfortunately rarely take them anywhere just now. Fortunately we don't have any pets, but not sure I could just have given them away when we did :(

I have been going to bed at approx 8pm every night, as the meds which give me the best respite make me ridiculously sleepy anyway (although this means they're not a great option for daytime when I'm alone with the baby). I have also been sleeping during the day when baby does.

My mum recently lost my dad and it would be v hard for her to come here - likewise for me and 3 dc to travel to the uk. My mil is dead - she would have rattled dhs cage if she knew how he was being - she was very supportive throughout my first two pgs, and my mum helped in my third, but we still lived in the uk then.

I just wish he would be more supportive - even emotionally. I will try to talk to him again this evening and see if I get anywhere, although histrionics usually just end in him going in a defensive strop.

Where in Australia are you? There's lots of us here.

A laundry service can be cheap over here, a couple of bucks to wash and iron the shirts, I wouldn't worry with the kids stuff.

Also going to a church, tresillion, playgroups and community health service, there's lots of people willing to help, but they can be hard to find if you don't know where to look as a foreigner.